Thanks to all for your supportive comments...

I've made an appointment with my physiotherapist for Wedneday. Hopefully, my injury is minor and I can get back to training in short order. It was such a beautiful day here in Toronto on Saturday and I was really depressed that I couldn't run - though I tried.

My biggest concern at the moment, is that this is the exact same injury, in the exact same place that put an end to my training two years ago. At that time though, I didn't do any therapy. I was in a very different place in my life and I kinda just conceded. This time around, I'm going to try swimming and see if that works. I suspect that the more complete answer to the problem is to be found through continued weight loss.

Notwithstanding that I am just three months into my life as a non-smoker, I have the food part of the dieting under reasonable control though I need to make some adjustments. I think that if I could just get a good six months of healthy eating and working out under my belt, the excess pounds would be gone. I am just such an emotional eater. Most of the time when I overeat to reach for the junk it has absolsutely nothing to do with hunger or fuel.

Turning back to the idea of swimming... problem (ok not really a problem) is that I will have go to the Y during peak hours and/or on my way to work. My life is geared to early mornings, so getting to the pool to swim before work is not the problem (except that I would be the flotsam and jetsam that Elizabeth refers to). The problem is that I despise having to get myself ready for work at the gym; it is the sole reason that I invested in the big honking treadmill that lives in the middle of my living room. As the Y is on my way to the office, it really isn't practical to come back home to shower, shave etc. and then leave for work.

No problems... just opportunities as they say.

Have a great week everybody. And, thanks for the support.

Life in the alternative...

I just tried to do some kind of workout on my treadmill. I knew while I was warming up that it was going to be a no go though I tried to remain hopeful and thought I might be ok when my muscles got warmer. However, I could feel the pulling the minute that I started running. So I stopped. I am trying not to be despondent. Maybe writing this will help me to feel better.

This morning, I am going to make a physio appointment. I think the injury might have something to do with my back as I felt completely lopsided on my treadmill this morning. I am reminded of a time last Fall when I injured my back and I felt like my torso was attached at an angle to my lower extremities. The physiotherapist told me then that my back was the source of a former pioformis problem which I had put down to a running injury (when I was training at the 10k distance a couple of years ago).

Anyway... looks like I'm going to have to come up with a plan B. I think I have to let go of my expectation of being fit enough to do the marathon in July. I think that I probably have to think of this year as a transition year. I'm only just three months into my life as a non-smoker which is causing grief on the weight loss front. It's so like me to have expectations of myself to master both at the same time... sheesh...

This is about accepting the limits of reality. It sucks. I am going to fight it but I know I will lose.

Of course this is the Universe's way of teaching one the lessons of life. It is about learning how to cope and make healthier choices; figuring out what the important priorities are.

GOD only knows that I know this but it is something that I easily forget (willfully?) or blithely ignore.

Ordinarily in these kinds of moments, I would simply go to my neighbourhood McDonald's, eat half a pig and then smoke a pack of cigarettes. Without these options, I am forced to do something in the alternative... so maybe 2006 needs to be about figuring out how to choose life in the alternate ...

Today's word is choice.

I REALLY HATE BRADELGINA... or BRANGELINA.. or whatever the &%$i people call them....

For the briefest of moments I allowed my TV remote to pause on the channel showing Entertainment Tonight. I FEEL DIRTY... Please explain it to me... why do people care about Brad and Angelina... yah ok, he's gorgeous but seriously, I'm embarassed for him...

See what happens to me when I'm not working out... just call me BITTER BETTY...

And, to make matters worse, Canada has become a 'blue state' and elected the freakin conservatives... Sooooooooo long freedom, it was nice knowin ya...

That's all for today. I haven't worked out since the pull on Sunday morning. I don't feel acute pain but I sense that I would if I tried to workout. Still I'm gonna hop on the treadmill tomorrow morning and hope for the best.

If the pain persists, I am seriously going to have to deal with my swimsuit issues and get my butt into the pool and start swimming...

This month's Vanity Fair Horoscope for Leo is a hoot:

"When Saturn goes retrograde through your sign, as it will be doing until spring, it is hard to focus on anything but yourself. Even if you feel as if you can't spare a drop of energy for anybody or anything, you have to muster your strength, stay on the treadmill (literally and figuratitively), and, most important, devote yourself to work with all the tender loving commitment of a mother toward a little baby. That won't be easy if you're holed up in the bathroom worrying about wrinkles and searching for a single strand of gray."

MISERY

Here we go again. Just as I start to gear up and get into a training groove, my body says - no thanks.

I was just into my second 8 min. interval this morning at the Y when I started to feel the all too familiar pull in the vicinity of my right thigh (hamstring, piorformis??). I never know exactly which muscle hurts. Anyway, I walked a couple of laps trying to tell myself that it was just tight and that I would be able to run through it. However, when I started to run again, I knew that it was "bad" paid as opposed to the "good" pain that we all have to push through from time to time. I finished the lap and then went to the mat and stretched for a bit before limping home.

So I here I sit on a couple of ice packs to write this.

This is exactly the scenario from two years ago when I was training for my first 10k.

Maybe this just isn't meant to be?

MARY LOUISE PARKER RULES!

Best actress in a Comedy - Golden Globe Awards - WEEDS (she beat all those horrible women from Desparate Housewives... ***sorry*** Although Felicity Huffman won for Best Actress in a Motion Picture for Transamerica - another must see film.... and what of Brokeback Mountain? .... pass the tissues please....

Yes, you can laugh - I aspire to make people laugh.

Had a great workout this morning! (4.5 X 10 minutes + weights) I was really in touch with the reality that my running has to be about the process... about the here and now... about today...

GOD only knows how badly I want to run the marathon this summer... but what if I can't? (The question is rhetorical.) I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this morning, the running itself made me happy; it surely contributed to a sane and health filled day.... what more can one ask?

Yet, when I think about my dream of running a marathon.... it feels like I'm on the quest to find the Holy Grail! Cliche?

Before nodding off to sleep, I offer the following verse from the Soundtrack of Wicked which came on while I was stretching this morning:

THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
NO, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
THOUGH IT IS, I ADMIT
THE TINIEST BIT
UNLIKE I ANTICIPATED
BUT I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
SIMPLY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
Well - not "simply"...
'CAUSE GETTING YOUR DREAMS
IT'S STRANGE, BUT IT SEEMS
A LITTLE -- WELL -- COMPLICATED
THERE'S A KIND OF A SORT OF...COST
THERE'S A COUPLE OF THINGS GET... LOST
THERE ARE BRIDGES YOU CROSS
YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU CROSSED
UNTIL YOU'VE CROSSED...

AND IF THAT JOY, THAT THRILL
DOESN'T THRILL LIKE YOU THINK IT WILL
STILL..
WITH THIS PERFECT FINALE
THE CHEERS AND THE BALLYHOO
WHO
WOULDN'T BE HAPPIER?
SO I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
BECAUSE HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TURE
WELL.. ISN'T IT?

HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

indeed...

Forget regret - your life is yours to miss (Rent Soundtrack)

Life could be so simple - get up in the morning, run, feel good... repeat!

I'm just back from my run on the indoor track at the Y. Coffee is brewing. Sun is shining. I could only manage a slow 6-7 km. Natch, my inclination was to go negative - too slow, too fat, blah blah blah... The truth is otherwise.

On the walk home, listening to my IPod, I heard the line cited in the title of this post - Forget regret - your life is yours to miss... and I remember that I very nearly missed mine. A few years ago, I didn't much care if I lived or died. All of my friends had long died of AIDS, I was unemployed, lost, humiliated by life, I couldn't run down the block, I smoked heavily, did more than my fair share of drugs and destroyed my soul with cheap and meaningless sex...

And now somehow... [God?]

I've quit smoking and eat healthy most days of the week (despite the fight I had last night with the pizza), I have a great job in one of Toronto's most prestigious law firms that I really like most days of the week, I'm training for the marathon that I believe that I can run, in fact, I believe in the possibility of lots of things.... in short, I'm pretty happy on most days of the week. It's trite to say that the glass is more than half full...

I survived. I owe it to my friends who didn't to live my guts out and not to miss the life that I have. I'm trying not to.

And like I said... life should be easy... get up... run... be happy... repeat....

January 14, 2006 - Love Hurts (either Nazareth or Cher and probably others...)

Ain't it the truth...

I couldn't workout last Thursday. I can only run in the morning and I had to be in the office by 7:00 a.m. that morning to prepare for a meeting with one of the firm's senior partners. She is totally awesome (but scary) to work for. Cautionary memo to self: Don't elevate her onto a pedestal... remember the disappointment when you ultimately discover the shocking reality (and it always happens) that those you anoint as heroes are merely human, and that often, they disappoint. Well that's an hour of therapy that I can skip...

In all seriousness, Thursday was the first morning workout that I blew off in a long time because of work and, in all the circumstances, I really couldn't see anyway around it.

My workout this morning felt great. I felt strong and happy and I didn't have to fight it... So what did I do afterwards... went out for the afternoon and came home and stuffed myself with pizza. Not happy bout that. Perhaps somewhere along Lakeshore Drive in Chicago ... maybe about mile 20, I'll stop for a slice....

Thanks to Buckeyerunner for teaching me everything I need to know about Html (lol). I have copied her source code for her regular reads and so for now, it is her list not mine. I haven't a clue if there is some kind of blogging etiquette that requires one to ask permission? If there is, I promise that I will in due course.

Waddle free, waddle strong...

January 10, 2006 - Fatty and the Athlete

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

I fought my entire workout this morning. Kind of like the story of my life. It ought not have been so hard; I wasn't hurting physically; I've quit smoking, so my lungs weren't hurting; I was listening to great tunes on the IPod... yet the whole way, in my mind, I was just one step from quitting.... I am just so tired of fighting.

The positive spin: I finished the workout - I DIDN'T QUIT!. I feel good. It makes good sense that training for, or running a marathon isn't always going to be easy. Not only is the glass not half empty - it is almost full damnit... and, I'm alive.

Undeniably though, the emotional baggage is heavy today.

January 8, 2006 - Humility

I hate that running on a track is so much harder than running on a treadmill.

This morning, I began my transition from the treadmill to an indoor track. It was just plain hard. I gave up counting laps to try to calculate distance so just kept track of time. I'd be lucky if I managed 5km over about 35 minutes. I prayer for an early spring here in Toronto so that I can run outside. Fitness etc. aside, I will go nuts running on the 1/8km track at the YMCA. I am still feeling a little dizzy... around and around and around.... Maybe I just need to bite it and try to figure out a way to run outside in the snow and ice? Investing in winter running gear wouldn't cost much more than a three month membership at the Y. I will have to think on that this week.

Trying to spin it in a positive direction, I can build from this new starting point week to week; adding just a little more each week. In a few weeks I'll be up to 10km. I need to remember that in the not too distant past, I couldn't run a block much less 5km. So maybe I'm not doing so bad.

Today's thought to hold onto - run the journey.

January 7, 2006 - Something has changed within me...

Something is not the same
I'm through with playing with the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second guesses

Too late to go back to sleep
Its time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It time to try defying gravity...

Defying Gravity from the soundtrack of Wicked

Inspiration!

Truly something has changed. I believe that I can do this.

In a way, I already have!

One of my challenges continues to be running in the moment and overcoming the monkey chatter in my mind. Everytime I consciously focus on the exact present, I realize how into the running I am. That is about the journey and not the finish line is such a simple concept but oh... how difficult to live...

Be well.

January 5, 2006 - "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West

Wow! Who knew. Jesus rap. I listened to it while working out for the first time this morning and I swear, I felt like I could fly. I need to get this into my final miles playlist for the marathon. I don't know about anyone else, but it might keep me going a mile or two longer...

(Jesus Walks)God show me the way because the Devil try to break me down(Jesus Walks with me)The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now(Jesus Walks)And I don't think there’s nothing I can do to right my wrong(Jesus Walks)I wanna to talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long(Jesus Walks with me with me with me) [Fades]

This morning's workout was amazing. I've had a great food day, and it's day 59 without a cigarette. I stopped off at the store for yogourt and bananas on my way home from work and tried to convince myself to snack on a bag of peanuts but I couldn't do it... and let me tell you, something really special is up when I turn down peanuts.

Run on. Run free.

January 2 - Don't Dream It - Be It!

My Tuesday workout is the easiest of the week; this morning just 3x10 + 1x5 min. running with some core weight training and a good stretch. I am trying to get my head around starting earlier each morning and set my alarm today for 4:30 a.m.

Didn't much matter today as I don't think I slept much last night - I'm obsessing a little about a work project. Still I'm making progress - I continued with my workout... putting my training first. Once upon a time in the not too distant past, I would have got up and raced into the office.

I was dowloading music last night from I-Tunes and, of all things, I stumbled across a remake of the 70's cult film TheRocky Horror Picture Show called The Rocky Horror Punk Show. I thought what the hell and, dowloaded it - not bad. Anyway, near the end, one of the songs features the line in my title for today. As I was listening, I thought damn straight! I have been dreaming of running a marathon for some time and this year I will do it!

I've strung together a couple of good food days. Day 57 today without a cigarette.

On my way home from work, I stopped by the YMCA and for a tour. I am going to join to start the transition to the indoor track next week. As much as I love running, I hate the snow and ice and simply don't want to run through it until closer to the spring thaw.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

New Year's Day self-portrait.
The first picture I have ever uploaded to a website.
I will get some running pics up as soon as I can.

Wow, another year. I look in the mirror and I simply cannot understand how it is that I am already 43! A happy and healthy 43 year old mind you. Could be far worse! I am not making any resolutions this year other than to run a marathon, lose a bunch of weight and continue not smoking.

I had a great workout yesterday, but I couldn't finish today's treadmill version of my long run. I wanted to do 7 sets of 10 minutes but only made it just short of 6. Shortly afterwards though, I recognized that the quit was a decision based on emotion - not because I was totally spent physically. I think it may have been related to the music I was listening to (The Doors) because while stretching to different music, I knew that I could have finished.

Once I get this blog up and running successfully, I hope to get some insights from other marathoners to learn how to train myself how not to quit based on my emotional or mental state.

Insight: in years past, I fancied myself a tennis player and was of the opinion that the way I played on the court was a reflection of how I lived (or wanted to) off of the court. I am learning that this is true too of running. In hindsight, I think that I quit mostly because I was bored.

I resolve this year to work on my powers of concentration.

I raise a glass of Gatorade to all for good running in 2006.