That was harder than I thought....

So, two weeks of my month long vacation/sabbatical are behind me. So far so good. The demons are grumbling that they want to come back out and play but my renewed committment to healthy(ier) living is pretty much shutting them up. It's about time.

So far this week, I have logged 19.4 k in fitness walking (and probably another 5 k getting from place to place), 5 hours of meditation and yoga and 10 minutes on my new elyptical. Huh, just 10 minutes? Perhaps, it's a good thing I didn't know how hard it would be working out on an elyptical until after I bought it and had it installed. Truly, baby steps is my mantra du jour. I can't be hard on myself for only being able to do 10 minutes. Rather, I need to consider it a starting point - 10 minutes today, maybe 11 minutes tomorrow and so on.

My inital reaction to my new elyptical is that I really miss my treadmill. Sadly, it had to go because my neighbours started complaining about the early morning noise of the friendly giant in #423 pounding the running board (why they waited for 2 years to complain is beyond me). At first, I thought I could retrain myself to work out at night but if I have learned one thing about myself, it's that I cannot will myself to work out after my work day is finished. As I have written before, I would be all to happy to live my life at 5:00 a.m.; a time of the day that is anathema to the forces of self-destruction. Clearly, not working out played its part in the dark and nearly tragic drama that has been my life for the past 18 months or so. In the circumstances, I was forced to conclude that it was too expensive of a toy to be used, not for its intended purpose, but rather as a clothes rack that doubled as a comfortable bed for the cats (it was too funny watching my James give me the evil eye for taking it away. For several days, he layed on the living room floor in the exact spot where it was positioned - and if you know cats, you know that he was sending me a clear fuck you statement).

So, I think my primary goal for the next year will be to concentrate on gaining aerobic strength using the elyptical and perehaps do some swimming and if I can get a bunch of weight off, I might be able to start doing some running next year. I really hope that this can happen because I am starting to fantasize about going to the Gay Games in Cologne, Germany in 2010. One of the highlights of my life was competing in the Games in New York in 1994 and I so want to have that experience at least once more in my life. Although never say never, I doubt that the marathon is in the cards but maybe I can manage the 10k?

This leads me to another confession: towards the end of my dance with devil, I started to smoke cigarettes again.

YYYYYYYYUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

What a gross and foul habit. I am having a really really hard time with this given that I had quit for about 2.5 years. I suppose it could have been worse - I only started again at the tail end of the slide and I'm confident that I can quit again without too much fuss. If ever I want to know why 10 minutes on the elyptical feels like such a challenge, I need to look no further than the stupidity of smoking cigarettes. It is the more amazing given that I had a conversation just a few months ago during which I commented that I didn't think I could smoke a cigarette if someone was holding a gun to my head. More amazing still, is that I wasn't craving cigarettes. The first relapse was an isolated incident that just happened one night; I went to the store for potato chips or some such and when I was paying, I just blurted out, small Players Light King and before I had a chance to stop myself, I was ripping open the package and had one lit almost before I was out of the store. Although it took several months, I didn't really start again until early June when my work stress was particularly acute and I was desperately worried about the general state of my life and the escalating impact of my self-destructive behaviour.

My inner demons were particularly pleased with this turn of events. The good news is that I know without a doubt that I will be a non-smoker again. The experience of not smoking for so long will serve me well as I get it together to quit once again.

On other fronts, my return to yoga practice is going really well. I stayed away for too long because I knew that I would feel really self conscious and started to believe that I wouldn't be able to do a downward dog pose if my life depended on it. For me, the best thing about yoga is that it is not competetive and doing anything is better than doing nothing at all. It totally helps that a respected teacher has opened up a new studio in my neighbourhood and thereby removing the excuse of having to travel out of one's way to practice. As well, my firm agreed to let me use my gym membership benefit to pay for classes.

The benefit of a yoga/meditation was particularly manifest in my life yesterday. I woke up in the morning feeling all out of sorts and particularly lonely. I went out for coffee and a bagel on my way to the studio and was desperate for an excuse not to go. Had I not have gone, I know only too well where I would have ended up. The good news is that I forced myself and saved the day.

All in all, things seem to be getting back on track.

Thanks so much to Katy for her feedback on my recent post - I have shared it with my shrink and a therapy group that I have joined and they all agreed with her and had a good laugh to boot. If ever I get up the nerve to do standup comedy (which I would really love to do someday) I will surely use this as material.

BELIEVE