Perfection should never get in the way of the good....
I had an appointment with my therapist this week and worked through the question of how and why I managed to get myself so off track during the month of August. As is always the case, in the context of psychotherapy the answer is plain and obvious: I sometimes (less often now than in years past) confuse the way I feel with who I am.
Now if you recall, the whole drama (and it may not even rate as drama) started one Friday night as I was leaving work and I took notice of the fact that I was feeling a little lonely; a feeling which I am loathe to feel and that I can usually avoid, given that I generally enjoy my own company. Now, so I'm told, everyone feels lonley now and again and apparently, most have the ability to address it constructively or simply acknowledge it and move on with their lives. Not I. For whatever reason, I equate the feeling of lonlieness with being a LOSER! And once I start thinking of myself as a loser, then it is only a matter of time before I am off to the races in an attempt to escape the feeling and, in so doing, sabotage everything in sight that I've worked so hard to achieve. Of course it begs the question, whether or not the sabotage is somehow an unconscious response to the believing myself to be a loser or at least, not as good as the rest. Chicken or the egg? Horse or cart?
It is almost trite to explain this away as the result of growing up gay in a homophobic society that told me from the time I was a little boy that I some kind of an abomination. Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing my behaviour or blaming the world (I have only gotten this far by taking responsibility for my behaviour) rather, I'm just trying to put it into some kind of context.
Throughout August, the preferred method of escape was gambling. It could just as easily been food or drugs... or compulsive exercise... and such has been my life.
The good news has always been that I most often feel like I'm winning the war ... even if I am disgraced in a battle or two along the way.
Moving on....
Despite the fact that my treadmill workouts are progessing in both speed and distance (and without injury) I have been seriously thinking about my goals and strategies for dealing with my life and I have concluded that it just may not be realistic (and therefore unhealthy) to continue to dream about running a marathon (remember the song lyrics from last week about having too many dreams and having to let a few of them go....). Now before the Greek chorus starts, I want to clarify. I am not saying that I will never run a marathon. Maybe I will... someday. What I am saying, is that it is not going to be one of my conscious goals.
At this stage of my life, it feels more right to simply run (or swim or play tennis) for the sake of my health and emotional well-being as opposed to running to train specifically for a marathon (which as you may recall is the ONLY reason I started to run in the first instance... I wanted to be a hero). There is a difference (at least to me) between pushing oneself to satisfy realistic goals and setting oneself up for failure, and it seems to me that continuing to focus on running a marathon as an end goal, is setting myself up for failure.
So, I have decided to alter my goals and to focus on the 10k distance. Now, I could be wrong but I think it to be at least possible that completing a strong 10k race will feel just as satisfying (at least in the context of my life) as running a marathon. As well, by focusing on this distance, I should have the energy to do some swimming and play some tennis..... in other words, I'm striving for BALANCE. I'm striving to have some fun and to treat my workouts as something that is pure and simple about health promotion.
In other words, I do not wish to let perfection (a marathon) get int the way of the good (running for health).
Of course, all you triathaletes out there have me jonesing to try a sprint tri but I just can't seem to get my head around the bike. Where I am going to ride it... on the freeway? But that's a problem for another day.
To such end, for the first week in a long time, I have completed all four of my treadmill workouts; did a yoga class and ate reasonably well. I'm still hovering at or just below the 250lb. mark (sane goal 220; hero goal 200). I hope by next Sunday to join the local gay and lesbian swim group and start taking some lessons.
And the world goes round and round....
posted by Scott at 4:28 PM
10 Comments:
Ah yes, Balance. The old familiar word. I can agree whole heartedly that a balanced life is more important than running a marathon. And by all means, you SHOULD be running for health, not some other lofty goal that gets in the way. This post is loaded with good judgement and healthy perspective. Glad to hear that you have identified a reasonable approach that is good for YOU. Best of luck, and of course, I'll be checking in to see how you're doing. Take care Scott
Benny
Benny said exactly what I was thinking:
"This post is loaded with good judgement and healthy perspective."
You're doing GREAT, buddy, keep it up.
"puddles of inspiration and snot..." You are too cute! Thanks, and thanks for being so supportive of me all year on my blog.
I think that your goals sound PERFECT--that's what it's all about, ENJOYING the JOURNEY. A 10K is a PERFECT way to achieve balance and still do what millions of people would not be willing to do--just think how many are too afraid to even enter a race like a 10K! Go get 'em. Looking forward to following your journey.
I love the Balance approach. I have been struggling with this and it was a big factor in deciding not to sign up for an Ironman.
I'm about where you're at with the marathon thing, maybe it'll happen, but whatever.
If you like running, having fun, and a challenge, consider a big relay like Hood to Coast or Reach the Beach. Easier, IMO, than a marathon, and a wicked blast. Nothing like it.
Heh... Like my racing partner tells me... "This is FUN, remember?" When the thing that we do for FUN becomes stressful, it's time to reexamine, just like you did. So grounded. And something that I needed to remind myself not too long ago.
(Good luck with the swim group!)
"how I feel is not who I am"....
I think you may have just almost saved my life. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to read that. It's as though a huge rock has rolled off me. Your words have shown me a way out of the mental sludge I've been wading through. Thankyou so much.
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you previously mentioned "gravity" .... damn .... wrong dude .... it was "relativity" that the dude with the frizzy hair discovered ... so i lost my link ... but anyway, he (einstein not gravity dude) once said that life is like riding a bike ..... you have to keep moving to maintain your balance ..... it sort of fits the triathlon reference as well ... but the point is the quote made me think it was appropriate here ... as always we're in your corner
good for you, scott. i cannot comment on what you've been through in your life growing up gay. i don't even think i could imagine what you've had to endure.
but, i agree with what your therapist said. everyone feels lonely at one time or another. even when you're in a couple, you can still feel lonely. i think it's just life. i've noticed that when i feel lonely, instead of going out and trying to get rid of that feeling, i regress and pull in more towards myself... exaggerating my lonliness even more. then, of course, there are the times that i crave being alone. i don't have a problem going to a movie or out to eat by myself. i don't feel like a loser... i feel happy because i can do something like that... that would freak a lot of other people out.
good luck with the run. i know you can do a 10K. it's the little steps that do it. and, with life, remember that it's not a sprint, it is a marathon.
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