Though I THINK I CAN, sometimes I really shouldn't...

Warning.... freakish stream of consciousness rant follows. This is the trainwreck that we all know we shouldn't look at ... but somehow, we just can't help ourselves.

In advance, just so you know, despite it all, I'm OK!






WHAT WAS I THINKING ACTUALLY I WASN'T THINKING I JUST FREAKING LOST CONTROL THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LEAVE WORK ON A FRIDAY OF A LONG WEEKEND WITHOUT ANY SOLID PLANS AND ALLOW THE DEMONS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A BORED STATE OF MIND LULLED INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS BY MY LIFE WHICH HAS OTHERWISE BEEN FABULOUS BUT APPARENTLY I'VE CLIMBED WAY UP ONTO A HIGHHORSE AND FORGOTTEN THE PAINFUL LESSONS OF THE PAST THE WRETCHED EXCESS AND THE SELFDESTRUCTION THAT I AM CAPABLE OF IT ALL STARTED FRIDAY NIGHT SITTING IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER WITH A GLASS OF WINE AND MAKING THE FATEFUL DECISION THAT I NEEDED TO PARTY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND THEREAFTER DEPARTING FOR SOME OF MY OLD HAUNTS IN SEARCH OF THE MEANS WHICH I DID NOT FIND AND WHICH CAUSED ME TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I COULDN'T GET LAID IN WHOREHOUSE AND THAT I WAS OLD AND PATHETIC AND BY NOW REALLY BORED WITH MY LIFE YOU SEE ON SOME LEVEL I MUST NOT THINK THAT I DESERVE ALL OF THE HAPPINESS THAT HAS MANIFESTED ITSELF IN MY LIFE CAUSE THIS PAST WEEKEND AS APPARENTLY I WAS DETERMINED TO THROW IT ALL AWAY SO THEN HAVING FAILED MISERABLY TO FIND ANYTHING TO STIMULATE A NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY AND RECKLESS ABANDON I CAME HOME AND QUITE LITERALLY INHALED AN ENTIRE CAN OF PRINGLES DRANK ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE AND WENT TO BED OF COURSE SATURDAY COULD HAVE BEEN SALVAGED HAD I GOT UP AS ORIGINALLY PLANNED AND HEADED OUT FOR THE TENNIS COURTS BUT NO I DECIDED THAT MY APARTMENT WAS DIRTY ACTUALLY IT WAS AND THAT IT NEEDED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION WHICH IT GOT BUT ALL THE WHILE AS I WAS CLEANING KNOWING THAT THE MOOD FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT HAD NOT DISSIPATED AND THAT I WAS ACHING FOR SOMETHING THAT I WAS EMPTY YOU SEE I AM LOATHE TO ADMIT THAT SOMETIMES I FEEL LONELY AND WHEN THAT LONELINESS COMEUS UPON ME WHEN I HAVE FREE TIME ON MY HAND AND PERHAPS OTHERWISE FEELING BORED LOOK OUT SO I CALLED ON A GOOD FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN IN THE PAST A PARTNER IN CRIME BUT WHO HAS CHALLENGES IN HER OWN LIFE AT THE MOMENT THAT WOULD FELL MOST TO THEIR KNEES AND SHE WAS OTHERWISE UNAVAILABLE SO I HEADED TO THE TRACK/CASINO WITH JUST ENOUGH CASH TO HOPEFULLY NUMB MYSELF FOR A FEW HOURS SMART ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE ATM AND CREDIT CARD AT HOME SO I HAD FUN BUT NATCH LOST THE 200 THAT I TOOK WITH AND FOUND MYSELF AT HOME BY 4ISH IN A LOVELY AND COOL AND BY THIS POINT CLEAN APARTMENT WITH ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING TO DO BORED AND LONELY OMG THE WORST POSSIBLE COMBINATION OF EMOTIONS FOR ME TO COPE WITH AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN OMG IT WAS JUST SO AWFUL I BROKE ONE OF MY RULES AND I BROKE IT HARD NO INTERNET GAMBLING DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE KIND OF DAMAGE THAT IS POSSIBLE AT PARTYPOKER.COM WITH A CREDIT CARD WITH A LIMIT BIGGER THAN THE GDP OF SMALL AFRICAN COUNTRIES FAST FORWARD TO SEVERAL HOURS LATER SLOSHED ON RED WINE WHEN MERCIFULLY MY BANK'S SECURITY SYSTEM WAS TRIPPED WHEN THEY NOTICED UNUSUAL ACTIVITY ON MY CARD AFTER I HAD LOST 500US$ NOT EVEN CDN$ BUT US$ OF COURSE A SANE PERSON WOULD HAVE BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF AND THANKED THE BANK FOR SAVING THEIR ASS BEFORE EVEN WORSE DAMAGE COULD BE DONE BUT NOT SCOTT I SIMPLY CALLED THE BANK AND TOLD THEM THAT ALL WAS WELL THAT I WAS DRUNK AND ON A GAMBLING BINGE AND WOULD THEY PLEASE LIFT THE FUCKING STOP ON MY CREDIT CARD WHICH THEY WERE ONLY TO HAPPY TO OBLIGE SO ANOTHER 100 LATER WHEN I NEEDED TO GO TO THE WELL ONE MORE TIME THE BANK AGAIN AND MY CARD AGAIN WAS DENIED THANK GOD FOR SMART BANKS AND THANK GOD THAT I WAS TOO DRUNK TO DIAL THE PHONE TO ASK THE BANK TO RELEASE THE STOP YET AGAIN AND ALL OF THIS WOULDN'T BE SO BAD EXCEPT I'M TRYING TO SAVE MONEY FOR THIS CONVENTION IN NOVEMBER AND ALL TOGETHER ON SATURDAY I PISSED AWAY THE BETTER PART OF 1000 HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT GO AHEAD YES I KNOW PATHETIC SO ANYWAY I PASSED OUT ON SATURDAY NIGHT ONLY TO WAKE UP A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER TO THE REALIZATION OF WHAT I HAD DONE WHICH MADE FURTHER SLEEP AN IMPOSSIBILITY ULTIMATELY I ENDED UP WATCHING A REPEAT OF THE HAWAII IRONMAN ON TV WHICH MADE MY BEHAVIOUR FEEL THAT MUCH WORSE IN COMPARISON KNOWING THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING SO HARD AND THAT I AM STILL CAPABLE OF SUCH SELF-DESTRUCTION IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE SO ANYWAY I DECIDED THAT I NEEDED TO DO MY TREADMILL WORKOUT TO ATONE FOR MY SINS AND ACTUALLY HAD AN EXCELLENT WORKOUT WHICH MADE ME FEEL SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER THEN I PHONED MY BANK AND ASKED IF THEY COULD PUT A PERMANENT BLOCK ON MY CREDIT CARD FOR INTERNEST GAMBLING AND THEY SAID THEY COULDN'T SO THEN I DISCOVERED THAT I COULD BLOCK MY OWN ACCESS ON THE WEBSITE THAT I WAS PLAYING ON WHICH MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER I THEN PROCEEDED TO GO INTO TO THE OFFICE WHERE I NEEDED TO CATCH UP ON SOME FILES WHICH I AM WAY BEHIND ON DUE TO MY COMMITMENT TO THE CAMPAIGN SO I WORKED AWAY FOR A FEW HOURS OF COURSE IN AN EFFORT TO SAVE ENERGY OUR OFFICE HAD NO AIR CONDITIONING AND IT HAS BEEN HOT IN TORONTO LIKE IT HAS EVERYWHERE ELSE BUT I DID MANAGE TO GET SEVERAL HOURS OF REALLY GOOD WORK ACCOMPLISHED ONE WOULD THINK THAT THE EVENTS OF THE NIGHT BEFORE WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TO CURE ME OF ANY DESIRE I MIGHT HAVE TO REPEAT THE BEHAVIOUR WELL YOU WOULD BE WRONG BECAUSE WHEN THESE MOODS OVERTAKE ME I AM ONE SICK PUPPY OH SO CAPABLE AND TOGETHER ONE MINUTE AND OMG WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THE NEXT KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU BLACK OUT AND REALIZE THAT YOU'VE JUST EATEN AN ENTIRE LARGE PIZZA BY YOURSELF ANYHOW I GOT HOME AND TRIED TO LOG ONTO TO WEBSITE TO SEE IF I COULD DO SOME MORE DAMAGE WELL THANK GOD THEY DID AS I ASKED AND THEY HAD BLOCKED ACCESS WELL NO PROBLEM SAYS I MR FUCKING GENIUS THERE ARE OTHER GAMBLING SITES DUH SO I JUST FOUND ANOTHER AND BEFORE I KNEW IT WAS HAPPILY PLAYING TEXAS HOLD'EM TO MAKE A LONG SAD STORY SHORTER I MANAGED SOME CONTROL AMIDST BEING OUT OF CONTROL AND STOPPED MYSELF AFTERLOSING 200$ BUT THAT WAS MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS TIRED AND SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO MAKE THE 200$ SPREAD OVER ABOUT SIX HOURS OF PLAYING THEN I DID THE RIGHT THING AND SENT AN E-MAIL ASKING THAT WEBSITE TO BLOCK ME SO AT THE END OF THE DAY IT'S JUST MONEY BUT MY BEHAVIOUR WILL MEAN THAT FOR THE NEXT MONTH OR SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY AS MUCH TENNIS, DO AS MUCH YOGA FOR SEE MY ACCUPUNCTURIST BECAUSE I NOW HAVE TO PAY THE CREDIT CARD BILL FUCK ME I HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES....


OK, so now that I've got that off of my chest. I'm sorry if I've disappointed those of you who think I have my shit together. Trust me, I'm dealing with my own disappointment .... struggling with my own humanity. This reminds me that I need to keep in touch with my past. I think that I got complacent. I thought I could beat gravity. So not.




Anyway, I'm writing this on Monday morning (Civic Holiday here in T.O.) and I'm off to the Roger's Cup... the Canadian Open which is one of the US Open series. It will be my first time in our new tennis stadium which is apparently one of the best in the world. With any luck I will get to see Federer play and with even more luck... that hunk Andy Roddick... for no other reason than he is eye candy for tired and sore eyes.

To try to end this post on an upbeat note. This past Tuesday I hit with my pro and played out of my head. Honestly, I can't understand how I walked away from this game ten years ago???? I followed this up on Thursday with a great treadmill workout during which I was amazed at how much more wind capacity I have since quitting smoking... and it is steadily improving. And... and... I broke the 250 mark on the scales. I haven't weighed less than that for years (yikes I was at least 280 a couple of years ago).

Now downwards James... the 240 lb. benchmark is clearly in the rearview mirror.

Throughout my early adult years when I had a whole bunch of fitness going on, I fluctuated (steadily for fifteen years) between 215-220 lbs. which in retrospect was perfect. Trust me, if at 44 I can get anywhere near close to 220 again, I will be thrilled. Of course, if ever my body cooperates and lets me do the training that will be required to do a marathon, I will need to get my weight down to at least the 200 mark. But let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

And, as of today, it's been 9 months since I quit smoking. It's hard to believe... this, is a miracle.

Of course the issue I now have (and it's a good issue to have) ... do I put my resources into tennis or do I keep trying to run? Part of me knows that I could get back to playing competitively, at least in doubles if not singles...

However, the cost of playing indoor tennis through the winter is astronomical and will really make things tight and, on balance, my indoor options aren't that great. Whereas, for a fraction of the cost, I can swim at the Y and continue running on the big honking treadmill that doubles as furniture in my living room.

Que sera sera.

Anyway, I'm out of time so I can't do anything more with this post.

This is who and where I am in my life today. And I need to be ok with that. There is no point in beating myself up!


This week's video is dedicated to all who struggle....

And I'm telling you... I'm not going

(btw Jennifer Holliday, the large black women singing... it's all good for her character at the end of the show and in real life, she lost all that weight. I saw her a couple of years ago on Oprah and she looked freaking amazing. I haven't heard anything about her since though)