At the barricades of freedom....
When I started writing this blog, I thought that I was going to be writing about my training to run a marathon (and though I haven't given up on that front), it was never my intent, nor did I ever dream that what I would end up writing about was the discovery of HAPPINESS.
However finding the words is not easy... the inspiration to write, elusive.
So, before getting into this post, I offer this caution: I frankly don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling these days and I fear that whatever I do write will come off way too esoteric or existential to have any meaning whatsoever to anyone else who might actually suffer through it? Afterall, there is nobody reading this blog (at least, so far as I know) who REALLY knows who I am, or the TRUE nature of the bag of hammers that has been mine to drag through this earthly life (though I have given clues), or the sweat and emotional blood that I have shed in my efforts to let them go.
Even saying that, I feel suspect because I know, as well as any of you, the relative nature of shitty lives. I know that my lot wasn't/isn't nearly as bad as that of so many others and that many would say Scott.... shut the fuck up and quit whining. I am, after all, a white male born of relative privilege in the great country of Canada. I can walk, I can see, I can hear. I wasn't beaten nor sexually abused as a child. And yeah - so what if my Father couldn't hug me and tell me that he loved me.... in the end, he stuck by me to his own detriment. Moreover, (thank God), I don't live in a country where the young are marched off to fight a senseless and unwinable war.
Just the same, what I do know is that relatively speaking, my bag of hammers was just too fucking heavy; that too many people that I loved died too young; that my heart was broken - no shattered too many times; that the lonlieness and the anger that I sometimes felt (feel?) very nearly destroyed me; that self-destruction through drugs and other addictive behaviours felt like the only way out; that society's soul destroying hatred and homophobia was/is inescapable (notwithstanding the serious legal rights that we have won in Canada including gay marriage).
That said, I need to at least try to write it down ... if only to put it out into the universe for the sake of God or something ... If only for me... (isn't blogging by it's very nature a tad self-indulgent?)
In any event, let it be recorded for the sake of history that in the summer 2006, I got IT. I discovered HAPPINESS. I revel in the TRUTH which is that not only have I survived but I have triumphed. I FUCKING WIN!
So there.
The tears I now cry are inspired by joy and not abject despair.
But before moving on and lest I leave you with the notion that I am delusional or that my life is anywhere near perfect... let me be absolutely clear, it's not...
What I'm really understanding and knowing these days ... maybe for the first ime in my life, is that it doesn't matter that I still have weight to lose. It doesn't matter that I'm experiencing the too rapid aging of my body. It doesn't matter that I've never found HIM. It doesn't matter that I don't own a house or have hundreds of thousands in savings. In this moment, it doesn't matter that I am driven almost to point of madness by the reality of war, gangs, guns.... you name it. For the purpose of this post and in the proper context, NONE OF IT MATTERS A WIT.
What DOES matter is that I am ALIVE. What does matter is that I didn't give up. What DOES matter is that I won't give up. What DOES matter is that I have discovered at the very core of my soul and being that I am ALL GOOD. What DOES matter is that I know the difference between where I begin and who I am from where I end and who I'm not. What DOES matter is that I understand that my emotions do not define me. What DOES matter is that I live the best way I know how; that I have given life my best.... that I have lived my guts out trying to be better... trying to overcome. What DOES matter is that I am FINALLY understanding how to let go of the need or desire for perfection.
The barricades of freedom have fallen. FOREVER.
From this perspective it seems that just about anything is POSSIBLE.
[Aside: Thank you David and Wendy. I owe you my life. Dad, I know. Mom, I'm sorry.]
ONE MORE DAWN.... ONE MORE DAY..... ONE DAY MORE!
*******
Best of Luck to Mark (ToastandStuff) and Katy (Ihatetoast) who are running the Gold Coast Marathon down under this weekend!
However finding the words is not easy... the inspiration to write, elusive.
So, before getting into this post, I offer this caution: I frankly don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling these days and I fear that whatever I do write will come off way too esoteric or existential to have any meaning whatsoever to anyone else who might actually suffer through it? Afterall, there is nobody reading this blog (at least, so far as I know) who REALLY knows who I am, or the TRUE nature of the bag of hammers that has been mine to drag through this earthly life (though I have given clues), or the sweat and emotional blood that I have shed in my efforts to let them go.
Even saying that, I feel suspect because I know, as well as any of you, the relative nature of shitty lives. I know that my lot wasn't/isn't nearly as bad as that of so many others and that many would say Scott.... shut the fuck up and quit whining. I am, after all, a white male born of relative privilege in the great country of Canada. I can walk, I can see, I can hear. I wasn't beaten nor sexually abused as a child. And yeah - so what if my Father couldn't hug me and tell me that he loved me.... in the end, he stuck by me to his own detriment. Moreover, (thank God), I don't live in a country where the young are marched off to fight a senseless and unwinable war.
Just the same, what I do know is that relatively speaking, my bag of hammers was just too fucking heavy; that too many people that I loved died too young; that my heart was broken - no shattered too many times; that the lonlieness and the anger that I sometimes felt (feel?) very nearly destroyed me; that self-destruction through drugs and other addictive behaviours felt like the only way out; that society's soul destroying hatred and homophobia was/is inescapable (notwithstanding the serious legal rights that we have won in Canada including gay marriage).
That said, I need to at least try to write it down ... if only to put it out into the universe for the sake of God or something ... If only for me... (isn't blogging by it's very nature a tad self-indulgent?)
In any event, let it be recorded for the sake of history that in the summer 2006, I got IT. I discovered HAPPINESS. I revel in the TRUTH which is that not only have I survived but I have triumphed. I FUCKING WIN!
So there.
The tears I now cry are inspired by joy and not abject despair.
But before moving on and lest I leave you with the notion that I am delusional or that my life is anywhere near perfect... let me be absolutely clear, it's not...
What I'm really understanding and knowing these days ... maybe for the first ime in my life, is that it doesn't matter that I still have weight to lose. It doesn't matter that I'm experiencing the too rapid aging of my body. It doesn't matter that I've never found HIM. It doesn't matter that I don't own a house or have hundreds of thousands in savings. In this moment, it doesn't matter that I am driven almost to point of madness by the reality of war, gangs, guns.... you name it. For the purpose of this post and in the proper context, NONE OF IT MATTERS A WIT.
What DOES matter is that I am ALIVE. What does matter is that I didn't give up. What DOES matter is that I won't give up. What DOES matter is that I have discovered at the very core of my soul and being that I am ALL GOOD. What DOES matter is that I know the difference between where I begin and who I am from where I end and who I'm not. What DOES matter is that I understand that my emotions do not define me. What DOES matter is that I live the best way I know how; that I have given life my best.... that I have lived my guts out trying to be better... trying to overcome. What DOES matter is that I am FINALLY understanding how to let go of the need or desire for perfection.
The barricades of freedom have fallen. FOREVER.
From this perspective it seems that just about anything is POSSIBLE.
[Aside: Thank you David and Wendy. I owe you my life. Dad, I know. Mom, I'm sorry.]
ONE MORE DAWN.... ONE MORE DAY..... ONE DAY MORE!
*******
Best of Luck to Mark (ToastandStuff) and Katy (Ihatetoast) who are running the Gold Coast Marathon down under this weekend!
posted by Scott at 5:35 AM
7 Comments:
Scott, as usual, I love your blog. I don't know what to say right now. I really don't. You've left me speechless. If you wrote a book, I'd stay up all night long reading it, right now. You captivate me. I'm happy to hear that you've found happiness Scott.
Benny
Great post, Scott! :)
I am reading a book titled "what really counts for men" and at the end of each section it uses the "what does matter" and "what doesn't matter" just as you did. I can sense the passion when I read your posts. Powerful stuff!
"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." ~Albert Camus
May the rest of the journey be as beautiful as this beginning. :)
me too ... i thought your post was exxcellant .... in someway i felt like i understood exactly where you were coming from .... and then i was excited to see where you were going
thanks for the support for our marathons
I like your refrences to Les Mis. Not to trivialize the great revelations and opennesss of your blog. But I thought it should be said, that Les Mis was well quoted.
Self-realization is a beautiful thing, isn't it? I am in my 30s now, and just starting to inch into that realm. If we only knew then what we know now, huh? I am so glad for you, and so happy for you right now. It's good to have perspective on things, but that doesn't ever diminish the heft of the bag of hammers anyone has to carry around this world, ya know? I am glad that I have gotten to know you, Scott, even through this limited medium that is blogging. Yeah for you.
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