Move on....

You meant to tell me

To be where I am

Not someplace in the past

or in the future

I worry too much about tomorrow

I thought the world could be perfect

I was wrong

This week's video clip is one of my all time favourites from Stephen Sondheim's Sunday in the Park With George. It has been with me for some twenty odd years now... yet the words seem new and relevant each and every time I listen to them. And each and every time, the meaning of the words are richer and more delicious. They are to be savoured.

I remember the first time I discovered the words (though I wouldn't appreciate their meaning until years later). I was in my early twenties and working as an assistant to the bigger than life fashion show producer of the too short lived Festival of Canadian Fashion. This producer (who I sought to emulate but... long story... for all the wrong reasons as I would later discover) designed the opening gala show with models posing on a runway built to a scale (it was massive) that had never been done before anywhere in the world.... I remember being in utter awe of the drama .... beautiful women, ever so slowly processing the length of the runway bejewelled in to-die-for evening gowns, aloof and without expression (it was 80's after all), initermittently awash in pools of blinding white light.....

Remember George....

ORDER

DESIGN

TENSION

BALANCE

HARMONY

Sunday....

Tonight, I am ruminating on the meaning of, "I was wrong". Oh, my child.... about so many things.

I turned 44 (how did this happen so quickly might I ask?) this past week. And though there is lots to rejoice in my life, I spent the week alternately stuffing my gob with high-fat crap and trying to get my head right about the whole weight loss/body image crisis that has ruled my life since childhood.

Enough!

It is long past the time in my life where I just have to stop thinking about losing weight for the sake of vanity. It is a riduclous to continue to believe that when I am thin, I will find the boyfriend of my dreams (I've left out the years of therapy it took to get me to this point). Scott, such thinking was crap when you were 22 and it's crap at 44.. No worse - it's just plain sad. What's worse, is that I know it. I just don't seem to be able to live it which is a constant source of frustration to me. Admittedly, I am getting better... slowly....

I suppose the good news is that I am not nearly fat enough to be considered a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Yeah... I checked it out. I'd probably consider it if it didn't cost $16,000 and had no real guarantees of success.... my luck, I'd end up looking like that freak Star Jones....

So where does this leave me practically speaking? Exactly where I am (see/hear lyrics above). Living my life one day at a time.... with each new day trying to maintain a nutritionally balanced diet for the purpose of health and feeling good.... not motivated by vanity.

In other news....

I'm working hard for the candidate that I'm supporting to become the next leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. Hence, the fall is looking like it could be really, REALLY exciting, culminating with a trip to the convention (hopefully as a delegate) in Montreal at the end of November. It's a big drag not being able to publish his name and website but... my involvement is such that it just wouldn't be a good idea. (I never know how much actual identifying details to include in my blog. Certainly, at least a few of you know my full name and e-mail address at this point.)

I went to a campaign retreat last Monday and witnessed first hand the national machine at work. Let me tell you, it was impressive beyond words; seeing the volunteers and campaign staff from coast to coast in policy, communications, fundraising, tour management, all working together, connected by the belief that our guy is something special and just so right for our times.

It was all a bit sureal, when at one point, he extended his hand to me and greeted me by name (it was my third time meeting him in person) and I felt a tear in my eye.... thinking that I was in the presence of greatness.... shaking the hand of a man who could easily be the next Prime Minister of this great country that is Canada! (sorry, I'm not usually this nationalistic).

Say what you will about my life... but it is rarely dull.

So, I've pretty much accepted that running (other than on my treadmill which continues to progress) just isn't going to happen for this year. That said though, the summer has been a major success with me getting my tennis game back to the extent that I have. I thought that it was lost forever. And, weight aside, I'm fitter than I have been in years which of course has been facilitated by my quitting smoking.

My plan for the fall/winter is to get back to the pool and focus on swimming and maybe doing a few spinning classes. This will lead to an even higher level of fitness (when I was swimming last winter, my lungs would still have been full of smoke) and hopefully to some weight loss for the right reasons.

Something tells me that running a full marathon (never say never though) is not in the cards for my life however, I'm thinking that shorter distance stuff is absolutely dobale - maybe even a triathalon at some point??? There have been several world cup level triathalons on TV lately and each of them have featured segments on age group amateurs and I totally believe that I could compete amongst them.... not to win of course... but just to feel the excitement of participating. Though it's not a problem for today, bike training in downtown Toronto presents a major obstacle. Anway... a new week dawns.

Just keep moving on.....