Lard have mercy.... and thoughts for a new year
I don't make New Year's resolutions.
Why would I? And for that matter, I don't understand why anyone else does? For me, making resolutions would be tantamount to an invitation to ruin the symbolic beauty and promise of a New Year with hatred and self-loathing, upon the inevitable failure of the grand plans and ideas that are usually the subject of such resolutions ... usually before noon on January 1st.
Rather, I prefer to recognize the start of each new year as an opportunity to take stock of the year that has just passed and to re-dedicate myself to myself if you will.... to continue to become the best possible version of me. Continue being the operative word; for even in failure, one's effort must be recognized (of course this is an objective truth that is often lost on me emotionally).
As someone once said: "If you're not failing half of the time, then you're not trying hard enough".
So on that note, in no particular order, are some thoughts about how I lived in 2006 and the opportunities that exist as the result:
1. Without a doubt, my greatest achievement in 2006 was to continue to be smoke free. In some ways, this has to excuse, or at least mitigate any and all negatives that I will detail below. If only I could have understood how good I would feel after quitting, I might have quit sooner. My thanks to Dr. Susan Westlake for her years of encouragement and support and for never judging me on the numerous starts and stops along the way. Memo to self: this is proof that YOU CAN!
2. As many of you already know, weight has been my life long struggle and 2006 was no exception. Trust me, though it is rarely acknowledged, I am living proof that men (multiply the effect for gay men) suffer terribly with body image issues. This morning, I forced myself to step on the scales.... 266.8 lbs. Now, part of me is screaming that I am simply too fat to live while the better part of me recognizes that it is still less than what I weighed just a couple of years ago. Just the same, it is discouraging to know that just a few months ago, I was down to 250 lbs., working out regularly, eating healthy and moving a little at a time to the 240s and now .... I have to start all over again.
If I am resolved to anything for 2006, it is to make progress in TRULY dealing with the damage and unhappiness caused by these issues.
That said, I refuse to beat myself up too much for this, in that almost everyone who quits smoking gains weight. Moreover, I was pushed to the wall professionally this past fall and alas.... I am human.
3. Professionally, 2006 was perhaps the most difficult year of my working life but it was also without a doubt the most satisfying. It was a year during which I pushed myself to new heights and regained confidence lost as the result of prior failures and the viscissitudes of disasters past.
It was a year when I found myself working in the heady atmosphere of high level Canadian politics; though I need to be very careful here to admit to myself that I am perhaps too much impressed by this fact and to recognize the cost of this on my physical health. Questions to self: are you doing this for the right reasons.... can you work at this level without abdicating responsibility for yourself?
The immediate challenge for the new year is going to be making a case to my superiors for a significant increase in my salary. Stay tuned.
4. Overall, save for the last couple of months, 2006 was a very good year with respect to my workout goals. Though I didn't manage to run outdoors or complete any races, there were a number of months where I was regularly working out on my treadmill and throughout the course of last summer I was hitting successfully with a tennis professional. As well, I did some swimming (appeared in public in a bathing suit no less) and developed a fledgling yoga practice.
Opportunities all for 2007. My most immediate intentions are to push forward with my yoga practice and to re-establish my treadmill routine. Though I haven't given up all hope of ever running a marathon, I will be happy, if in 2007, I can train and stay healthy enough to run credibly for my age group at the 5k distance; and, if that happens... maybe attempting the 10k distance.
Of course, I have every intention of playing tennis again this summer - if for no other reason for the social benefits.
Memo to self: your highest self will be served by attemtping these pursuits (along with healthy eating) for NO OTHER REASONS than good health. Woe is you if you do so for the sake of physical appearance and vanity.
5. For myriad reasons both related and not to what I have already written, I lived beyond my financial means in 2006 and, gambled more than I could afford to lose. Serious corrective action on this front is immediately necessary.
6. I moved past my fear (if only briefly) and made attempts to meet men in the hopes of developing new friends or an intimate relationship. Suffice to say here that this aspect of myself is very much wrapped up with my body image and sexual issues and .... stuff that is for therapy and not for this blog. Memo to self: get over yourself and stop pissing and moaning about how horrible it is to be a middle aged gay man.... warts and all...
I think that about covers it.
To those I consider to be my friends in the blogosphere, I wish for you all a happy and productive 2007.
N.B. The video on my sidebar is from the 1992 tribute to Freddie Mercury from Wembley Stadium that was broadcoast round the World. It was certainly one of the saddest years of my life when I lost my best friend (and cousin) Shaun to AIDS. Besides grieving, I was, at the time, working as a co-producer of Fashion Cares which is a fashion industry fundraiser for the AIDS Committee of Toronto. Memo to self: do it for them.
Why would I? And for that matter, I don't understand why anyone else does? For me, making resolutions would be tantamount to an invitation to ruin the symbolic beauty and promise of a New Year with hatred and self-loathing, upon the inevitable failure of the grand plans and ideas that are usually the subject of such resolutions ... usually before noon on January 1st.
Rather, I prefer to recognize the start of each new year as an opportunity to take stock of the year that has just passed and to re-dedicate myself to myself if you will.... to continue to become the best possible version of me. Continue being the operative word; for even in failure, one's effort must be recognized (of course this is an objective truth that is often lost on me emotionally).
As someone once said: "If you're not failing half of the time, then you're not trying hard enough".
So on that note, in no particular order, are some thoughts about how I lived in 2006 and the opportunities that exist as the result:
1. Without a doubt, my greatest achievement in 2006 was to continue to be smoke free. In some ways, this has to excuse, or at least mitigate any and all negatives that I will detail below. If only I could have understood how good I would feel after quitting, I might have quit sooner. My thanks to Dr. Susan Westlake for her years of encouragement and support and for never judging me on the numerous starts and stops along the way. Memo to self: this is proof that YOU CAN!
2. As many of you already know, weight has been my life long struggle and 2006 was no exception. Trust me, though it is rarely acknowledged, I am living proof that men (multiply the effect for gay men) suffer terribly with body image issues. This morning, I forced myself to step on the scales.... 266.8 lbs. Now, part of me is screaming that I am simply too fat to live while the better part of me recognizes that it is still less than what I weighed just a couple of years ago. Just the same, it is discouraging to know that just a few months ago, I was down to 250 lbs., working out regularly, eating healthy and moving a little at a time to the 240s and now .... I have to start all over again.
If I am resolved to anything for 2006, it is to make progress in TRULY dealing with the damage and unhappiness caused by these issues.
That said, I refuse to beat myself up too much for this, in that almost everyone who quits smoking gains weight. Moreover, I was pushed to the wall professionally this past fall and alas.... I am human.
3. Professionally, 2006 was perhaps the most difficult year of my working life but it was also without a doubt the most satisfying. It was a year during which I pushed myself to new heights and regained confidence lost as the result of prior failures and the viscissitudes of disasters past.
It was a year when I found myself working in the heady atmosphere of high level Canadian politics; though I need to be very careful here to admit to myself that I am perhaps too much impressed by this fact and to recognize the cost of this on my physical health. Questions to self: are you doing this for the right reasons.... can you work at this level without abdicating responsibility for yourself?
The immediate challenge for the new year is going to be making a case to my superiors for a significant increase in my salary. Stay tuned.
4. Overall, save for the last couple of months, 2006 was a very good year with respect to my workout goals. Though I didn't manage to run outdoors or complete any races, there were a number of months where I was regularly working out on my treadmill and throughout the course of last summer I was hitting successfully with a tennis professional. As well, I did some swimming (appeared in public in a bathing suit no less) and developed a fledgling yoga practice.
Opportunities all for 2007. My most immediate intentions are to push forward with my yoga practice and to re-establish my treadmill routine. Though I haven't given up all hope of ever running a marathon, I will be happy, if in 2007, I can train and stay healthy enough to run credibly for my age group at the 5k distance; and, if that happens... maybe attempting the 10k distance.
Of course, I have every intention of playing tennis again this summer - if for no other reason for the social benefits.
Memo to self: your highest self will be served by attemtping these pursuits (along with healthy eating) for NO OTHER REASONS than good health. Woe is you if you do so for the sake of physical appearance and vanity.
5. For myriad reasons both related and not to what I have already written, I lived beyond my financial means in 2006 and, gambled more than I could afford to lose. Serious corrective action on this front is immediately necessary.
6. I moved past my fear (if only briefly) and made attempts to meet men in the hopes of developing new friends or an intimate relationship. Suffice to say here that this aspect of myself is very much wrapped up with my body image and sexual issues and .... stuff that is for therapy and not for this blog. Memo to self: get over yourself and stop pissing and moaning about how horrible it is to be a middle aged gay man.... warts and all...
I think that about covers it.
To those I consider to be my friends in the blogosphere, I wish for you all a happy and productive 2007.
N.B. The video on my sidebar is from the 1992 tribute to Freddie Mercury from Wembley Stadium that was broadcoast round the World. It was certainly one of the saddest years of my life when I lost my best friend (and cousin) Shaun to AIDS. Besides grieving, I was, at the time, working as a co-producer of Fashion Cares which is a fashion industry fundraiser for the AIDS Committee of Toronto. Memo to self: do it for them.
posted by Scott at 8:53 AM
3 Comments:
Today, much like all the days before, I clicked on the little link on my blog that says "Scott". Like all the other days I anticipated a brief visit. Just enough time to see the "Must Do Yoga" slogan that I have looked at once or twice each day for the last few months. But alas, today is a new day. Toady is like Christmas all over again.
SCOTT POSTED!
I'm happy to see that you are back to writing, for how long I do not know. But happy none the less. It seems as though you've identified some areas to work on, and despite all your setbacks, you HAVE made some headway towards some legitimate goals. I hope the new year has good things in store for you Scott.
I know you haven't fealt the need to post much lately, but I'm not giving up on you. One day you will write about your success and will analyze your struggles in retrospect. Your memories will be just that, memories. And I will have read all about it, and followed you on your journey. I'm not throwing in the towel on you. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for that grand finale. Today, the plot thickened and the ending promises to be bigger and better than I imagined. I'm not giving up on this one. I just hope you don't give up either.
Keep at it Scott, because in the end, it's not the gambling or the political campaign that is important. It's YOU that is important. YOU are the priority. Be good to YOURSELF, then be good to others. You can't truly love another until you truly love YOURSELF. Treat YOURSELF well by giving YOURSELF healthy food and exercise. I know it sounds selfish, but it really is important. No one is more important that YOU are right now. If you can't take care of YOURSELF, how do YOU expect to take care of another?
Here's to hoping that 2007 is the year of YOU. The year of SCOTT.
I'm glad to see you back posting! Looks like you have much to celebrate in the past year, and some very attainable goals for 2007. Here's to all the wonderful potential I see in you up there on the North Side of the Lake...:)
Happy 2007!
i'm glad to be reading your post .... and your journey is on track ....i believe 2007 will be a good one for you
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