Move on....

You meant to tell me

To be where I am

Not someplace in the past

or in the future

I worry too much about tomorrow

I thought the world could be perfect

I was wrong

This week's video clip is one of my all time favourites from Stephen Sondheim's Sunday in the Park With George. It has been with me for some twenty odd years now... yet the words seem new and relevant each and every time I listen to them. And each and every time, the meaning of the words are richer and more delicious. They are to be savoured.

I remember the first time I discovered the words (though I wouldn't appreciate their meaning until years later). I was in my early twenties and working as an assistant to the bigger than life fashion show producer of the too short lived Festival of Canadian Fashion. This producer (who I sought to emulate but... long story... for all the wrong reasons as I would later discover) designed the opening gala show with models posing on a runway built to a scale (it was massive) that had never been done before anywhere in the world.... I remember being in utter awe of the drama .... beautiful women, ever so slowly processing the length of the runway bejewelled in to-die-for evening gowns, aloof and without expression (it was 80's after all), initermittently awash in pools of blinding white light.....

Remember George....

ORDER

DESIGN

TENSION

BALANCE

HARMONY

Sunday....

Tonight, I am ruminating on the meaning of, "I was wrong". Oh, my child.... about so many things.

I turned 44 (how did this happen so quickly might I ask?) this past week. And though there is lots to rejoice in my life, I spent the week alternately stuffing my gob with high-fat crap and trying to get my head right about the whole weight loss/body image crisis that has ruled my life since childhood.

Enough!

It is long past the time in my life where I just have to stop thinking about losing weight for the sake of vanity. It is a riduclous to continue to believe that when I am thin, I will find the boyfriend of my dreams (I've left out the years of therapy it took to get me to this point). Scott, such thinking was crap when you were 22 and it's crap at 44.. No worse - it's just plain sad. What's worse, is that I know it. I just don't seem to be able to live it which is a constant source of frustration to me. Admittedly, I am getting better... slowly....

I suppose the good news is that I am not nearly fat enough to be considered a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Yeah... I checked it out. I'd probably consider it if it didn't cost $16,000 and had no real guarantees of success.... my luck, I'd end up looking like that freak Star Jones....

So where does this leave me practically speaking? Exactly where I am (see/hear lyrics above). Living my life one day at a time.... with each new day trying to maintain a nutritionally balanced diet for the purpose of health and feeling good.... not motivated by vanity.

In other news....

I'm working hard for the candidate that I'm supporting to become the next leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. Hence, the fall is looking like it could be really, REALLY exciting, culminating with a trip to the convention (hopefully as a delegate) in Montreal at the end of November. It's a big drag not being able to publish his name and website but... my involvement is such that it just wouldn't be a good idea. (I never know how much actual identifying details to include in my blog. Certainly, at least a few of you know my full name and e-mail address at this point.)

I went to a campaign retreat last Monday and witnessed first hand the national machine at work. Let me tell you, it was impressive beyond words; seeing the volunteers and campaign staff from coast to coast in policy, communications, fundraising, tour management, all working together, connected by the belief that our guy is something special and just so right for our times.

It was all a bit sureal, when at one point, he extended his hand to me and greeted me by name (it was my third time meeting him in person) and I felt a tear in my eye.... thinking that I was in the presence of greatness.... shaking the hand of a man who could easily be the next Prime Minister of this great country that is Canada! (sorry, I'm not usually this nationalistic).

Say what you will about my life... but it is rarely dull.

So, I've pretty much accepted that running (other than on my treadmill which continues to progress) just isn't going to happen for this year. That said though, the summer has been a major success with me getting my tennis game back to the extent that I have. I thought that it was lost forever. And, weight aside, I'm fitter than I have been in years which of course has been facilitated by my quitting smoking.

My plan for the fall/winter is to get back to the pool and focus on swimming and maybe doing a few spinning classes. This will lead to an even higher level of fitness (when I was swimming last winter, my lungs would still have been full of smoke) and hopefully to some weight loss for the right reasons.

Something tells me that running a full marathon (never say never though) is not in the cards for my life however, I'm thinking that shorter distance stuff is absolutely dobale - maybe even a triathalon at some point??? There have been several world cup level triathalons on TV lately and each of them have featured segments on age group amateurs and I totally believe that I could compete amongst them.... not to win of course... but just to feel the excitement of participating. Though it's not a problem for today, bike training in downtown Toronto presents a major obstacle. Anway... a new week dawns.

Just keep moving on.....

ONLY YOU.... HAVE THE POWER WITHIN YOU....

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. [Ramona L. Anderson]




Tommorrow, starting at 6:00 a.m., gay and lesbian athletes from around the world will be running the marathon at the www.chicago2006.org And, as you know, it was to diarize and digest the training for this race that I created this blog. Alas it was not meant to be. All things considered though, I think I'm doin just fine. Still, I'm a bit sad that I'm not in Chicago to participate in the Games; to experience once more the thrill that I experienced at the Games in New York in 1994.

Wow, where have the last 12 years gone?

It seems like only yesterday that I was sitting under a tree at the USTA National Tennis Centre in Flushing Meadow, New York (the site of the US Open) listening to the title track from the musical Starlight Express on my Sony Walkman (a cassette tape no less... imagine...) preparing to play in the Novice Men's Tennis for the bronze medal. Then as now, the lyrics are rich with meaning.

RUSTY YOUR'E BLIND, LOOK IN YOUR MIND, I'M THERE, NOTHING'S NEW....

And even though I lost, I played the match of my life.

Go figure. I've been living my life that way ever since.

Well, perhaps I'll run the marathon in 2010 in Cologne, Germany... or may just the 10K, or maybe the triathalon, or maybe I'll play tennis (over 45's division eeeeEEk).




If this were that kind of blog, this would be where I would tell you that I played 5 1/2 sets of tennis (doubles) last Sunday night, hit with my coach for an hour Tuesday morning, did yoga classes on Monday and Wednesday, and ran on the treadmill Sunday and Thursday. But it's not that kind of blog.

But if it were, it would be the place where I would tell you that I think I'm playing better tennis than I ever did (forget about being away from the sport for the better part of 10 years); that my yoga instructor complimented me on my practice and my flexibility; that I'm really developing some insight with respect to running through the negatives that we all face and that threaten to stop us dead in our tracks... but it's not.

OK, we get it, it's not that kind of blog however, I should tell you that I did really well with respect to food early in the week but fell .... hard.... into a vat of fish and chip grease and then to the influence of the evil Ben & Jerry's. I cannot believe that I paid $7.00 for an ice cream cone.

And oh yeah, one more thing.... Scott stop....

OK, OK alreay, hold your horses... just one more thing.....

JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, THE SEA WILL PART BEFORE YOU, STOP THE RAIN, TURN THE TIDE....

But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation.

Sunday morning... July 16, 2006... 9:48 EST... I sit here in front of my computer having just finished my treadmill workout (my version of a long run), sitting on ice (literally), in an ocean of sweat (I hope that my apartment doesn't smell like a gym?) ..... and just as I was finishing, I became acutely aware that I was insufficiently grateful in yesterday's post.

Yeah, I know, I wrote some stuff that sounded like gratitude but the truth is, that wasn't what I was really feeling. I'm almost embarassed to admit to a level of vanity whereby a picture of my nearly 44 year-old self could cause such loathing.... get a grip my child....

Though I may truly despise the way I appear in the pic that I have posted for all the world to see, it strikes me as the truth this morning is that it doesn't matter. And if I keep reminding myself of that truth, then it will cease to be a burden.

What matters are the facts:

In July of 1997 I:

1. was at least 20 pounds heavier than I am now;
2. was sedentary, my muscles atrophied, unable to touch my toes;
3. smoked well over a pack of cigarettes a day;
4. was secretly locked up in my apartment trying to escape the pain of life through drugs;
5. alone... truly and desperately alone;
6. was unemployed and living on the good graces of my family (who as you know never stopped believing in me);
7. was without hope or faith; and not that I knew it at the time,
8. was at the start of a year during which time my Father and two cats all died.

And now....

1. I'm eating good, healthy, nutritious food about 80 - 90% of the time;
2. I'm losing weight (albeit not as quickly as I would like);
3. I've quit smoking cigarettes and my use of drugs are a distant memory, though I still drink in moderation;
4. I'm playing tennis, working out on my treadmill and doing yoga;
5. I've got a great job (yeah, ok its wickedly diffiicult and stressful) with a generous salary and perks;
6. I'm not anywhere near the ceiling of my potential earning capacity;
7. My Family as we currently exist truly love each and enjoy each other's company;
8. ...... the list goes on....

You want to know what's important,

truly important,

when you look at the picture posted below:

look at the SMILE.

Indeed, a picture says a thousand words.

On Change

Approach each new problem not with a view of finding what you hope will be there, but to get the truth, the realities that must be grappled with. You may not like what you find. In that case you are entitled to try to change it. But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation.

Bernard M. Baruch US businessman & politician (1870 - 1965)

Well folks - ready or not - This is me.

All of me.

If only you knew just how much I hate posting this picture. Surely, I'm not that fat.... am I? How can it be that I look like this when I feel so thin... and when I'm otherwise soooooo HAPPY..... oh yeah, I forgot, the camera adds 10 lbs..... YUK!

Would somebody PLEASE pass the fucking gravy .....

But the point of doing so is .... that posting it is a statement about accepting myself just exactly as I am. This is me world. You all share your pictures with me and the world at large, so why shouldn't I? This is the only me that I am every going to be; at least physically. Time to deal Scott. Through it all, thick and thin (pun intended), it has been the battle with my weight that has on some level been the most difficult.... the most soul destroying.... food was the original cocaine... the most.... well nevermind. It is in the past. There is only the future.

But as the quotation above says... you are welcome to try to change it. Which is exactly what I'm trying to do. And though I'm making progress, some days are better than others. But honestly, this weight struggle is the like the holy fucking grail for me....

My problem is that I am WAY too self-indulgent. I am too often without discipline. I am a master at deceiving myself. Damnit, why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Alas, bacon will never love me back.

Anyway such is my life. Notwithstanding, I'm playing awesome tennis, I'm progressing on the treadmill (not running much on the roads due to tennis), and I'm gaining flexibility daily at Yoga. And, not to sell myself short, I've managed to lose almost 10 pounds in the same years as quitting smoking.

What more could I ask for?

It's all GOOD!

Of course, you'll won't see another picture of me until I'm at least twenty pounds lighter....

My aren't we fancy.......

GREAT BIG Thanks to Spence for my freaking amazing new header . Isn't it just about the coolest blog header you ever saw?

Now I just have to figure out how to edit my HTML to affect a few little tweaks here and there such that my actual blog is as styling as my header.

Hey Spence, the vids for you. Thanks again!

There's lots of good stuff to report but it will just have to wait. It's late and I have to get up early tomorrow morning for a treadmill workout and to watch the Wimbledon Ladies' Final.

Lovin you Amelie!










Oh yeah.... it's been 8 months since my last cigarette!