Because I can.

www.stevewalkerart.com

One Song Glory - RENT Soundtrack

"........... In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find

One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man

A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory

Like a sunset
One song

To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies.... "

I still can't write coherently - please bear with me as I muddle through.

Steve Walker, whose work is featured today was one of my best friends during my twenties. In fact, he was the love of my life that never was. It galls me to this day that our friendship died over some stupid misunderstanding. I want a do over. I want him to know me as the man I am today rather than the man I was then.... He wasn't so well known then. I called him a couple of years ago and left a voice mail telling him that I was really proud of his success. He didn't call back.

The 14th anniversary of Shaun's death. Even though I grieved well, it is sometimes necessary to go back and to feel the pain all over again. To have a good fucking cry over the whole sorry mess that was 10 terrifying years of my life. The reason that RENT means so much to me is because in a sense, I lived it; I am from the generation of gay men who ate it hard. Now please, don't misunderstand me here.... and this is critical.... I don't want sympathy, pity, or a medal. We have all lived it in one way or another.

And now for the question: Give one reason why Scott runs? Because I can. Because I survived. However, the way that I experience it, it sometime feels like a burden. But I've done the therapy... trust me.

On some very deep level, my motivation for running a marathon is to make the surviving meaningful. It is how I know that I am alive despite the vicissitudes of life.

That said, I am thrilled to report that I was actually able to jog (almost run) on the treadmill this morning. There was a little bit of pain but I think it was closer to good pain than bad. This is a very good sign.

Also on a positive note, I tried to incorporate both Jason and Spence's suggestions during yesterday's swim. They both really worked. I swam the best non-stop 50 m of freestyle that I have ever swam. I am certain that I will be able to increase that to 100 m in no time.

I am going to have to end this post now ... one of my cats is screaming the "stop blogging and play with me" screech.... and I have to go to bed very soon so that I will be able to get up to swim in the morning....

Finishing thought.... Big heart, big feelings....

I have no words...

I can't write tonight for some reason?

So, this is just a quick report about my swimming lesson this morning with Jason: He tells me that I have to learn to sink. I am apparently wasting a lot of strength and energy trying to swim too high in the water. He thinks that this is why I feel so fatigued after only about 50 metres. He says I need to learn to breathe with much less of my face out of the water and gave me some training exercises to try.

Turns out Jason is also a tri coach. Coincidence? Not likely.

Have a great week all.

R.I.P.

Shaun Joseph McGill

December 23, 1961-March 23, 1992

IDENTIFICATION AND BIO: An ice dancer and choreographer, Shaun McGill performed with the John Curry and Torvill & Dean companies. He was also a longtime member of the Baltimore-based Next Ice Age company. Dance critic George Jackson (see below) lauded McGill for "intricate footwork, fleetness, and his streamlined silhouette," further commenting that "McGill suffused his technique with a demonic intensity that made him right for the role of Carabosse in the televised ice version of Sleeping Beauty, Drosselmeyer in the Chicago ice spectacular of Nutcracker, and for the personifications of character or mood in the solos he set for himself." McGill lived in Toronto but often performed in New York. McGill died of AIDS-related causes.

Shaun was my best friend (and also a blood relative) in the whole wide world. I miss him to this day.

This video is from a hughe AIDS awareness tribute concert to Freddie Mercury that was staged at Wembley Arena outside of London in 1992. If you ever see a copy of the video or DVD - buy it. It is a treasure.

I should look so good at 70!

My Mom and Neice M.

The surprise party we had for my Mom's 70th was really nice and we managed to pull it off without her suspecting a thing. The food was delish and the wine did flow..... The bling we bought her wasn't too shabby either but I didn't think to take a pic. My Mother takes no issue with the saying that diamonds are a girl's best friend.

I worked out this morning on the treadmill - 3.5 miles with some hand weights and elevation thrown in for mile 2. I was feeling great. For the first part of the workout, I listened to the soundtrack from Brokeback Mountain which I recently downloaded to the IPod but hadn't yet listened to. Lilting and beautiful to be sure but not workout music - pass the hankies please.... So anyway, I went to one of my favourites, the Soundtrack from Rent. GOD, I just wanted to fly.

Then... against my better judgment, I tried to run but alas, I couldn't and knew that what I was feeling was not 'good' pain. Damn.

But here's the thing - I still had a great workout. And I proceeded to have a great day.

I have to hold on to that at all costs. There is value in whatever I do on the physical/workout front. It may not be the marathon today, but it might be (will be?) someday.... (btw - I'm getting very excited for all of you who are running Boston - I can't even imagine the rush).

Thanks to all for your kind comments and feedback about my work situation. I'm waffling back and forth between leaving and staying. I'm afraid I have a bit of a history of running away from relationships (I hate conflict - especially if I can't control the situation) when the going gets a little tough... maybe this time, I need to stick it out? It's also about gaining self-confidence in myself which is easily eroded where I work. It doesn't need to.

Finally, thanks especially to Spence for her breathing suggestion. I swim tomorrow and can't wait to try it out.

Chairs, Moms and other assorted bits...

This is a shot of my dining nook which I post for no other reason than I can. I'm a little slow to this technology and I am learning as I go. I wanted to post a pic of the new chair (which is fabulous and for which I have sold my soul) but I didn't bring the little cord thingy that I need to dowload the pic to the computer home from the office.

Anyway, this is just a short post to check in before heading out of town for the weekend to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday. To that I say, love your parents while you've got them; spend as much time with them as you possibly can. I lost my Dad way way too soon and I'm afraid that things were quite unresolved between us when he died.

I'm approaching 19 weeks of no smoking all the while feeling stronger in the pool - related? My swim yesterday though was a real struggle. Although I finished the planned 900 m, I wanted to stop after every length from 600 m on. I don't know what it is with freestyle? I could probably breaststroke 2000 m without stopping but try as I might, I can barely manage 50-75 m of freestyle without stopping for a breather. I think maybe I try to swim too fast?

To such end, I have scheduled a private swimming lesson for next weekend. Do ya see where this is going... first a swimming coach.... then I'll want one of those fancy bikes you're all so proud of... then I'll want to be trying a sprint tri.... Maybe though I shouldn't put the cart before the horse. First goal: swim 375 m without stopping (or drowning in the lake).

Life at work still pretty much sucks. I went to the administrator one day this week to complain about one of the women I work for who treats me worse than a piece of belly button lint. Of course, I should have known better - instead of providing any kind of comfort at all, he wanted to know what I was doing to piss her off. I wanted to quit on the spot. All righty then... her bad behaviour is my fault....

After that I took it up with my therapist who also pretty much beat me up trying to convince me that her behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with me and wondering why I let it affect my self-esteem so much.

It's enough to make a person smoke. Butt (pun intended) I didn't and I won't.

Have a great weekend all.

How do I love thee Saturday... let me count the ways

Spring has sprung here in Toronto. Is there anything more perfect than a sunny Saturday morning in the springtime? Reminds me of the April many years ago when I was in Paris and sooooooooo in love, I thought I was dying (Paris though is just hateful under any other circumstance); fairly skipping down the Champs Elysee strewing daisies from my chapeau.

Anyhow, I digress...

I started my morning with a brisk 3 mile walk on the treadmill and then walked straight uphill 1.5 miles to a doctor's appointment (just routine, nothing to stress over) then 1.5 miles down the hill home. Enroute, I treated myself to a gorgeous New York strip loin steak, a $30 bottle of Australian Shiraz and a brick (a different kind of brick than you triathaletes write about.. lol) of ancient cheddar. (I don't need the calories but I've been a very good boy all week which is the more amazing when you consider that my job is becoming more hateful by the moment. )

I have to admit though, I wanted to slit my wrists watching all the very smart looking runners passing me by. And trust me, in Rosedale, they all tend to be ever so smart looking and fit as the day is long. Aaaarrrrggghhh... rich and good looking.... Yeah, life is so fair. I would have been happy, if even one of them that passed by was fat and wheezy...

For some of us, the best we can do is pretend to be rich. After just a wretched day at the office yesterday, I resorted to buying furniture to make myself feel better. Needless to say, I have now spent next year's bonus on a chair. One chair. I find that new chairs work wonders for one's flagging self-confidence... at least for five minutes.

Alas, this afternoon, I am drafting resume cover letters. Even as I am writing this post, I have no clear sense that leaving is the right course of action? Am I running away just because it's difficult? Is the devil you know better than the devil you don't? What if they make the decision for me... ACK!!! Questions, question, questions....

Anyway, enough gazing at my belly button and time to get to work. I hope you're all having a simply fabulous weekend wherever you are!

What if eveyone has a secret?

Thought du jour from one of our newspapers courtesy of Steven Hayes, author of Get of of Your Mind and Into Your Life:

"Each of us compares our insides to others' outsides... But what if everyone has a secret? And what if the joke is that we all have the same one? The plain fact is that almost all people are in pain somewhere in their lives much of the time. It is hard to be fully human. Almost all of us struggle and suffer, and we all find that so called easy methods of feeling good bear little relationship to living a meanifngul valued, vital life."

I'd love to hear people's take on this little gem.

This has proven to be another hard (no, EXCRUTIATING) week (OMG I hate my job) but I've gotten through it workout to workout. I don't think that I can start running again but I'm doing lots of brisk walking and my swimming is really progressing. I've done 2400 metres in the pool over 3 days, and a little at a time, my freestyle lengths are feeling a bit easier.

No matter what's going on in my life - it can't get me while I'm in the pool or on my treadmill!

Somehow, I'm still not smoking and doing as well as can be expected food wise.

100 Things

Well here goes with my contribution to the 100 Things About Me List. I have tried to be as honest with this list as is possible given that I am publishing it on the web. It is certainly not definitive... just what comes to mind at this point and time of my life.

1. Countries I have travelled to: England, France, Germany, Amsterdam, Italy, United States, Hong Kong, Korea, Thailand, Singapore;
2. States in the U.S. I have travelled to: Florida, Washington D.C., Texas, New York, New Jersey, Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Atlanta, California, Massachusetts;
3. I have travelled more outside of Canada than within Canada;
4. I was an extra in the mini series of Rich Man Poor Man; played a reporter in a scene with Peter Strauss in an airport; on set for 14 hours to film a 2 minute scene;
5. I have met or got autographs from: Drew Barrymore as a child right after E.T. (she printed), Mickey Rourke, Ed Asner, Matt Dillon, Shirley McLaine, Paul McCartney;
6. I was living in London, England in my early twenties and worked in a building where McCartney had a recording studio; got his autograph in the elevator; he rarely signs autographs;
7. I sold the McCartney autograph on EBay for a lot of money at a time when I was broke and desperate for cash;
8. I once had dinner in New York with Dorothy Hamill when she was married to Dean Martin's son along with some other minor celebrities;
9. One of my all time best friends (who also happened to be my second cousin) had a serious relationship with the Olympic Gold Medalist John Curry; they are now both dead;
10. My Father was a beef farmer; my Mother was a stay-at-home Mom;
11. My first real pet was a dog named Buffy who lived to be almost 15 years old;
12. After that I had two cats, Beau and Squirt who died within three months of each other;
13. 1998, The WORST year of my life: I lost a job, my two cats and my Father died within a few months of each other;
14. I rode horses competetively as a teenager; I wanted to ride in the Three Day Event at the Olympics but I wasn't good enough - I was also too heavy;
15. I was overweight as a child; other kids teased me and called me fatty; why are children so fucking cruel?
16. I knew I was gay when I was a child - I just didn't have language for it until I was in my late teens;
17. I weighed close to 300 lbs. when I was eighteen; I ran away to London, England and lost 90 lbs over 4 months using diet drugs; I didn't tell anyone that I had lost so much weight and nobody recognized me at the airport when I came home;
18. That summer, Prince Charles married Lady Diana; we camped on the street for 48 hours and had a very good view of the parade of Royals;
19. I remember being very impressed that the Prime Minister Trudeau was the last World leader/dignitary in the parade before the actual Royals; Nancy Reagan rode in a bus with some other European heads of state which I don't think she was too happy about;
20. My first job was at a McDonalds; I once sold vacuum cleaners;
21. My first real career was as a fashion/retail buyer;
22. When I was buying menswear for Canada's largest chain of department stores, I produced a huge fashion event called GQ Live; go figure - I could once pick up the phone and call one of the editor's of GQ Live in New York - my life is very different now...
23. I had a taste of the bright lights, big city thing when I was in my 20's - OMG, I think that being a famous celebrity would be the lowest form of misery;
24. I Co-ordinated Fashion Cares in 1992 which is one of Canada's foremost AIDS fundraiser; after it was all over, I was the last one to leave the venue after hearing on the news that someday I had known had died of AIDS...
25. Almost all of my best friends died of AIDS; our grief also killed a lot of relationships;
26. I will be 44 years old in July;
27. I am 6' 1" tall, with brown hair and eyes, currently weigh 258 lbs.;
28. After losing all that weight when I was 18/19, I stayed under 22o lbs. until I turned 35 then all hell broke loose;
29. Over the past 4 years or so, I have gained and lost 40 lbs. 3 times - HATEFUL!
30. 40 of my years have been lived between just 3 residences; two of those residences are basically across the street from each other in downtown Toronto;
31. I don't know the names of my next door neighbours and they have lived beside me for 16 years; we like our privacy;
32. Currently, I have two cats named James and Dolly Peasley; they are brother and sister; sometimes, I think I love them so much I could die;
33. I can't imagine the love a parent has for a human child; I think I would be consumed;
34. After I flamed out of my fashion career, I was treated for a nickel and dime drug habit; I didn't use drugs for years afterwards but relapsed on and off for several years after that; I consider myself very lucky that I never got into any kind of serious trouble; I am not proud of this but it's part of my truth;
35. I got a degree in Social Work (honours) but didn't have the means or emotional stability to get my Masters;
36. I have always felt that I cheated myself by not getting a graduate degree; maybe someday before I die;
37. I also have a partial degree in commerce, a law clerk's certificate and a fashion merchandising diploma - it took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up;
38. I worked very briefly in child welfare; I sucked! I couldn't take babies away from their mothers;
39. For a period of a couple of years I was seriously thinking about joining a monastery and becoming a monk;
40. I spent time in a monastery in Cambridge Mass, very close to Harvard;
41. My very first run was in Cambridge along the Charles River;
42. Some of my fave movies: Harold and Maude, Chariots of Fire;
43. Fave TV show - Six Feet Under; I fucking wailed for about 2 hours after the series finale which I consider the best 10 minutes of TV ever filmed!
44. Canada's answer to Tivo is called Personal Video Recorder; I am a PVR snob - I no longer watch commercials;
45. One of my terrible trashy secrets is that I sometimes play Bingo;
46. One year, I saw the Gay Pride Parade in both New York City and Toronto on the same day;
47. Les Miserable is probably my favourite musical and favourite book; I have read the whole 130o odd pages of Hugo's novel;
48. I bowl in a gay bowling league; I'm not very good;
49. I was obsessed with the sport of tennis for many years;
50. I competed as a novice in the 1994 Gay Games in New York; I lost in the round right before the medals;
51. Walking into Yankee Stadium in the closing parade of athletes was one of my most thrilling moments in life;
52. I co-produced the first gay and lesbian tennis tournament in Canada in 1995;
53. To this day, I don't really know how or why I quit tennis; I am trying to find my game again;
54. As a child, I went to Sunday School; for about 20 years as an adult I wanted nothing to do with organized religion; then, one day, at a particularly low ebb of my life, I walked into the Church of the Redeemer, Toronto's most liberal and socially progressive churches;
55. It changed my life;
56. If ever there is a life moment that you have to get it right the first time, it is giving the eulogy at a parent's funeral; I so got it right!
57. I think that George Bush is evil personified; it makes me angry that he claims to be a Christian;
58. Did he (and all of the other right wing evangelical lunatics) misunderstand Jesus' teaching in the Gospels about love?
59. I am was born into a Christian family - but I believe that we are all related as humans, no matter what religion we practice, no matter what we choose to call God or worship as God, I don't believe that any religion is better than another;
60. It fucking pisses me off that so much evil in the world has been done in the name of religion;
61. I have voted in every single election since I turned 18;
62. I am a card carrying New Democrat;
63. I have seen the same therapist for 9 years;
64. I have had the same GP for over 20 years; She is the best!
65. When I was a kid, I had a huge crush on David Cassidy from the Partridge Family;
66. Reality TV sucks - c'mon do you really believe that any of it is real?
67. Oprah Winfrey's power and influence scares me;
68. I'm not a communist by any stretch, but I think there should be a maximum amount of money that anyone can earn - c'mon does anyone really need a billion dollars? Given the amount of money in the world - why is anyone hungry?
69. I once worked for a Judge running a courtroom - think of Judge Judy's clerk;
70. I have ran two 5k races;
71. I hated red wine until I quit smoking?? Go figure?
72. If I was stranded on a desert island and could choose only one food to eat for the rest of my life - I would pick cheese;
73. I have a hard time getting through a day without pasta; I could live the rest of my life quite happily without rice or potatoes;
74. My fave breakfast is bacon and eggs;
75. I wish I could live my whole life at 5:00 a.m.; from that point it is frequently all downhill;
76. The sound of my cats purring is just freakin awesome;
77. If I could be anything that I'm not - I would be a ballet dancer;
78. I won the school baking competitions in grades 1 and 2; people accused me of cheating; I didn't;
79. I won a bunch of trophies one year for public speaking - my speech was on the triple crown winning race horse Secretariat;
80. I played the piano as a child; My Mother hoped I would grow up to be Liberace; at a very young age, I could make people cry playing the Theme from Love Story - ROTFLMAO...
81. Today, I can barely play a note;
82. I despise people who flaunt wealth and material goods; however, I admit that I like nice things as much as the next person - but let's be reasonable ....;
83. The song Puff The Magic Dragon makes me cry; but so do telephone commercials;
84. A favourite moment - summer, sitting on the dock at the lake with my sis and brother-in-law, drinking scotch, watching the sunset...
85. I suck at the game of office politics; I am more likely to tell somebody to fuck off rather than play stupid games;
86. I am addicted to Sudoku;
87. Periodically, I have this weird dream about swimming Lake Ontario;
88. I want to run a marathon; I have no desire to run anything longer than that...
89. I live alone; I crave solitude; I don't mind my own company;
90. I despise shell fish;
91. I think that capital punishment is absolutely wrong - ALWAYS; the state has no right to kill;
92. The first movie I ever saw in a theatre - The Sound of Music;
93. The last concert I saw was Elton John; floor seats just a few rows from the stage; awesome!
94. My middle name is Cole - it is my Grandmother's maiden name; it was also my Father's middle name;
95. The new series WEEDS is also great television; if I weren't gay, I would lust after Mary Louise Parker;
96. Despite my frequent whinging and moaning about the viscissitudes of life - I am truly, truly happy as a human being; I am grateful for all that I have;
97. The Academy Awards show is tooooooooooo long....
98. I am not afraid of death; however, I am terrified of dying;
99. I do not regret anything about my life; I am who I am today because of everything that has gone before - how can I regret that which has made me who I am?

and, drum roll please....

100. There is nothing I could possibly list at spot 100 that could possibly say more about me than nos 96, and 98-99.

Dazed and confused...

Overall I had a good food/exercise week and I didn't smoke (117 days or 16 weeks and 5 days... but who's counting lol). This is good. Maybe this is all that one can ask for? Maybe this is all there is?

Otherwise, I am in a total muddle; struggling to make a decision as to whether or not I need to change jobs (I think I do, the thought of which terrorizes me). I tossed and turned all last night in bed trying to let go of a couple of particular situations that transpired at the office yesterday which had the effect of crushing my already shaky sense of self-confidence and sucking the soul right out of me (ok maybe that is just a tad dramatic... ). Just the same, I hate it when I allow people and/or circumstances (that I have no control over) to live inside of my thoughts like that - especially during the night when all I want or need is to sleep.

Due in large part to my work situation, I'm feeling totally vulnerable (exacerabated by not smoking) which is a feeling that I don't do well. That said, part of my journey in this life is to be able to stay with these feelings without allowing them to define who I am as a person.

It is totally incumbent upon me to recognize that what I'm experiencing at this moment would be immeasurably worse if I wasn't doing all that I am doing trying to be as physically fit and healthy as possible.

On a more positive note, I feel really good about my progress in the pool. I'm going to try to increase my distance to 750 m this coming week - with 250 m of freestyle.