Because I can.

www.stevewalkerart.com

One Song Glory - RENT Soundtrack

"........... In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find

One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man

A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory

Like a sunset
One song

To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies.... "

I still can't write coherently - please bear with me as I muddle through.

Steve Walker, whose work is featured today was one of my best friends during my twenties. In fact, he was the love of my life that never was. It galls me to this day that our friendship died over some stupid misunderstanding. I want a do over. I want him to know me as the man I am today rather than the man I was then.... He wasn't so well known then. I called him a couple of years ago and left a voice mail telling him that I was really proud of his success. He didn't call back.

The 14th anniversary of Shaun's death. Even though I grieved well, it is sometimes necessary to go back and to feel the pain all over again. To have a good fucking cry over the whole sorry mess that was 10 terrifying years of my life. The reason that RENT means so much to me is because in a sense, I lived it; I am from the generation of gay men who ate it hard. Now please, don't misunderstand me here.... and this is critical.... I don't want sympathy, pity, or a medal. We have all lived it in one way or another.

And now for the question: Give one reason why Scott runs? Because I can. Because I survived. However, the way that I experience it, it sometime feels like a burden. But I've done the therapy... trust me.

On some very deep level, my motivation for running a marathon is to make the surviving meaningful. It is how I know that I am alive despite the vicissitudes of life.

That said, I am thrilled to report that I was actually able to jog (almost run) on the treadmill this morning. There was a little bit of pain but I think it was closer to good pain than bad. This is a very good sign.

Also on a positive note, I tried to incorporate both Jason and Spence's suggestions during yesterday's swim. They both really worked. I swam the best non-stop 50 m of freestyle that I have ever swam. I am certain that I will be able to increase that to 100 m in no time.

I am going to have to end this post now ... one of my cats is screaming the "stop blogging and play with me" screech.... and I have to go to bed very soon so that I will be able to get up to swim in the morning....

Finishing thought.... Big heart, big feelings....