Yoga is the new cheese...

This is just a short post so that those of you in the blogosphere who care, will know that I am alive and doing well here in Toronto, where normal winter weather has finally arrived. I say short because it occurs to me that this blog is really NOT about running a marathon or doing a triathalon. SHOCKING, I KNOW. In fact, I am almost certain that running a marathon is not in the cards for this life.

BUT WAIT... before you all start in at me for not selling myself short, and never say never.... I DO plan on running... and playing tennis.... and doing yoga. I just don't (at least at the moment) believe that my body will ever be sound enough or injury free enough to be able to withstand the physical strain of the marathon, nor will the reality of my professional life allow for a consistent training/diet schedule. And more on this later, but I just don't see myself losing enough weight to make the marathon possible.

Sometimes, one just has to accept that a ship has sailed.

But what I do want to tell all of you, and a great big thanks to Runner Susan for inspiring this, the birth of this blog has led me closer to achieving a goal that has the potential to be even more life affirming than running a marathon: loving my body exactly the way it is.

Now, as this is going to be just a short post, and because this is so HUGE, I am not going to be able to cover what is sure to be a lot of ground in this post. It is however, what I am going to be writing about in this blog - at least as much as is possible or appropriate. I have suffered my whole life from weight and body image issues and I say ENOUGH.

This epiphany came in a recent yoga class during the week after Susan wrote about her own weight and body image issues when the instructor asked all of us to dedicate our practice that evening to a cherished goal that seemed impossible or elusive. Let me tell you, in all of my years, I have never seen something more clearly. In that moment, I knew and understood on a very deep level that it was time to let go and to surrender that part of me that has caused me so much pain and misery throughout my life.

And this is where I need to leave it for today - yoga is the new cheese.

It is quite extraordinary and almost beyond explanation how I feel after doing a yoga class. I feel whole and complete in a way that I have just never known.

And I wonder, how could have spent so many years being so mean and cruel to myself?

So, there it is folks. I said at the beginning that I am going to run, play tennis and do yoga - but I am going to do it for my health and because it is fun and it gives me life. I am going to try to lose weight by eating healthy because I will probably live longer - AND NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOK HOT... oh please, vanity thy name is Scott!

I am NOT going to be a slave to working out to lose weight. Big difference.

In closing, I have a multi-gazillion dollar publishing idea and I'm going to let you all in on the ground floor. It's called the Scott Plan. It's really very simple. All you have to do is eat healthful, nutritious food and workout out and you will lose weight. I cannot believe that nobody has thought about it before now. I swear it is going to make me rich.

Eat that you South Beach, carb hating freaks.

Be well all! Oh btw, just because I'm not writing a running blog doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep following your running/tri blogs.

OK so, maybe it's not all that short.

Fatty fatty 2x4 couldn't get through the bathroom door.....

I've changed my mind about not making New Year's resolutions.

To wit: I resolve in 2007 to accept my body. As it is. Whatever it takes.

I have just finished reading Runner Susan's blog about her obsession with weight and body image issues and I feel so sad [and angry] for her and for the rest of us whose lives are so ruled.

I SAY ENOUGH!

That doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep on trying to eat healthy and work out. To be clear, what it does means is that I am going to stop obsessing about what my body looks like and focus on what it feels like to be fit and healthy - regardless of what the scale says.

Moving on.

It's been all good this week on Planet Scott. I've done 2 yoga classes and 3 treadmill workouts and I have a kitchen full of healthful food. This afternoon, I'm going to make homemade butternut squash soup... yum!

The coming week is sure to be stressful though. Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to the partners of the law firm where I work who act as the clerk supervisors and asked them for a meeting to discuss my compensation. Now, I just have to self-confidently get through the meeting without them chewing me up and spitting me out... or firing my ass.

Well that's all for now. Have a great week all!

Lard have mercy.... and thoughts for a new year

I don't make New Year's resolutions.

Why would I? And for that matter, I don't understand why anyone else does? For me, making resolutions would be tantamount to an invitation to ruin the symbolic beauty and promise of a New Year with hatred and self-loathing, upon the inevitable failure of the grand plans and ideas that are usually the subject of such resolutions ... usually before noon on January 1st.

Rather, I prefer to recognize the start of each new year as an opportunity to take stock of the year that has just passed and to re-dedicate myself to myself if you will.... to continue to become the best possible version of me. Continue being the operative word; for even in failure, one's effort must be recognized (of course this is an objective truth that is often lost on me emotionally).

As someone once said: "If you're not failing half of the time, then you're not trying hard enough".

So on that note, in no particular order, are some thoughts about how I lived in 2006 and the opportunities that exist as the result:

1. Without a doubt, my greatest achievement in 2006 was to continue to be smoke free. In some ways, this has to excuse, or at least mitigate any and all negatives that I will detail below. If only I could have understood how good I would feel after quitting, I might have quit sooner. My thanks to Dr. Susan Westlake for her years of encouragement and support and for never judging me on the numerous starts and stops along the way. Memo to self: this is proof that YOU CAN!

2. As many of you already know, weight has been my life long struggle and 2006 was no exception. Trust me, though it is rarely acknowledged, I am living proof that men (multiply the effect for gay men) suffer terribly with body image issues. This morning, I forced myself to step on the scales.... 266.8 lbs. Now, part of me is screaming that I am simply too fat to live while the better part of me recognizes that it is still less than what I weighed just a couple of years ago. Just the same, it is discouraging to know that just a few months ago, I was down to 250 lbs., working out regularly, eating healthy and moving a little at a time to the 240s and now .... I have to start all over again.

If I am resolved to anything for 2006, it is to make progress in TRULY dealing with the damage and unhappiness caused by these issues.

That said, I refuse to beat myself up too much for this, in that almost everyone who quits smoking gains weight. Moreover, I was pushed to the wall professionally this past fall and alas.... I am human.

3. Professionally, 2006 was perhaps the most difficult year of my working life but it was also without a doubt the most satisfying. It was a year during which I pushed myself to new heights and regained confidence lost as the result of prior failures and the viscissitudes of disasters past.

It was a year when I found myself working in the heady atmosphere of high level Canadian politics; though I need to be very careful here to admit to myself that I am perhaps too much impressed by this fact and to recognize the cost of this on my physical health. Questions to self: are you doing this for the right reasons.... can you work at this level without abdicating responsibility for yourself?

The immediate challenge for the new year is going to be making a case to my superiors for a significant increase in my salary. Stay tuned.

4. Overall, save for the last couple of months, 2006 was a very good year with respect to my workout goals. Though I didn't manage to run outdoors or complete any races, there were a number of months where I was regularly working out on my treadmill and throughout the course of last summer I was hitting successfully with a tennis professional. As well, I did some swimming (appeared in public in a bathing suit no less) and developed a fledgling yoga practice.

Opportunities all for 2007. My most immediate intentions are to push forward with my yoga practice and to re-establish my treadmill routine. Though I haven't given up all hope of ever running a marathon, I will be happy, if in 2007, I can train and stay healthy enough to run credibly for my age group at the 5k distance; and, if that happens... maybe attempting the 10k distance.

Of course, I have every intention of playing tennis again this summer - if for no other reason for the social benefits.

Memo to self: your highest self will be served by attemtping these pursuits (along with healthy eating) for NO OTHER REASONS than good health. Woe is you if you do so for the sake of physical appearance and vanity.

5. For myriad reasons both related and not to what I have already written, I lived beyond my financial means in 2006 and, gambled more than I could afford to lose. Serious corrective action on this front is immediately necessary.

6. I moved past my fear (if only briefly) and made attempts to meet men in the hopes of developing new friends or an intimate relationship. Suffice to say here that this aspect of myself is very much wrapped up with my body image and sexual issues and .... stuff that is for therapy and not for this blog. Memo to self: get over yourself and stop pissing and moaning about how horrible it is to be a middle aged gay man.... warts and all...

I think that about covers it.

To those I consider to be my friends in the blogosphere, I wish for you all a happy and productive 2007.

N.B. The video on my sidebar is from the 1992 tribute to Freddie Mercury from Wembley Stadium that was broadcoast round the World. It was certainly one of the saddest years of my life when I lost my best friend (and cousin) Shaun to AIDS. Besides grieving, I was, at the time, working as a co-producer of Fashion Cares which is a fashion industry fundraiser for the AIDS Committee of Toronto. Memo to self: do it for them.