At the barricades of freedom....

When I started writing this blog, I thought that I was going to be writing about my training to run a marathon (and though I haven't given up on that front), it was never my intent, nor did I ever dream that what I would end up writing about was the discovery of HAPPINESS.

However finding the words is not easy... the inspiration to write, elusive.

So, before getting into this post, I offer this caution: I frankly don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling these days and I fear that whatever I do write will come off way too esoteric or existential to have any meaning whatsoever to anyone else who might actually suffer through it? Afterall, there is nobody reading this blog (at least, so far as I know) who REALLY knows who I am, or the TRUE nature of the bag of hammers that has been mine to drag through this earthly life (though I have given clues), or the sweat and emotional blood that I have shed in my efforts to let them go.

Even saying that, I feel suspect because I know, as well as any of you, the relative nature of shitty lives. I know that my lot wasn't/isn't nearly as bad as that of so many others and that many would say Scott.... shut the fuck up and quit whining. I am, after all, a white male born of relative privilege in the great country of Canada. I can walk, I can see, I can hear. I wasn't beaten nor sexually abused as a child. And yeah - so what if my Father couldn't hug me and tell me that he loved me.... in the end, he stuck by me to his own detriment. Moreover, (thank God), I don't live in a country where the young are marched off to fight a senseless and unwinable war.

Just the same, what I do know is that relatively speaking, my bag of hammers was just too fucking heavy; that too many people that I loved died too young; that my heart was broken - no shattered too many times; that the lonlieness and the anger that I sometimes felt (feel?) very nearly destroyed me; that self-destruction through drugs and other addictive behaviours felt like the only way out; that society's soul destroying hatred and homophobia was/is inescapable (notwithstanding the serious legal rights that we have won in Canada including gay marriage).

That said, I need to at least try to write it down ... if only to put it out into the universe for the sake of God or something ... If only for me... (isn't blogging by it's very nature a tad self-indulgent?)

In any event, let it be recorded for the sake of history that in the summer 2006, I got IT. I discovered HAPPINESS. I revel in the TRUTH which is that not only have I survived but I have triumphed. I FUCKING WIN!

So there.

The tears I now cry are inspired by joy and not abject despair.

But before moving on and lest I leave you with the notion that I am delusional or that my life is anywhere near perfect... let me be absolutely clear, it's not...

What I'm really understanding and knowing these days ... maybe for the first ime in my life, is that it doesn't matter that I still have weight to lose. It doesn't matter that I'm experiencing the too rapid aging of my body. It doesn't matter that I've never found HIM. It doesn't matter that I don't own a house or have hundreds of thousands in savings. In this moment, it doesn't matter that I am driven almost to point of madness by the reality of war, gangs, guns.... you name it. For the purpose of this post and in the proper context, NONE OF IT MATTERS A WIT.

What DOES matter is that I am ALIVE. What does matter is that I didn't give up. What DOES matter is that I won't give up. What DOES matter is that I have discovered at the very core of my soul and being that I am ALL GOOD. What DOES matter is that I know the difference between where I begin and who I am from where I end and who I'm not. What DOES matter is that I understand that my emotions do not define me. What DOES matter is that I live the best way I know how; that I have given life my best.... that I have lived my guts out trying to be better... trying to overcome. What DOES matter is that I am FINALLY understanding how to let go of the need or desire for perfection.

The barricades of freedom have fallen. FOREVER.

From this perspective it seems that just about anything is POSSIBLE.

[Aside: Thank you David and Wendy. I owe you my life. Dad, I know. Mom, I'm sorry.]


ONE MORE DAWN.... ONE MORE DAY..... ONE DAY MORE!

*******

Best of Luck to Mark (ToastandStuff) and Katy (Ihatetoast) who are running the Gold Coast Marathon down under this weekend!

In case you were wondering....

I spent hours this weekend thinking about and crafting my latest post. It was brilliant; It was pithy; and surely, it would have attracted glowing comments from around the world; It was a one-of-a-kind work or art....

But .... alas.... before I could publish it.... fucking Blogger crashed and when it went back up.... my beautiful post was toast....

Though I can't recreate it, it went something like this...

I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life

Well, you get the idea.

I apologize that my posts may be few and far between over the next month or so. I'm crazy busy at work and will be out of town next weekend... and again I think a couple of weekends after that.

BE WELL!


It's the start of PRIDE Week here in Toronto. The theme this year is FEARLESS. This is a picture of the mile long rainbow flag from the 1994 parade commemorating the 25th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in New York City. It was one of the greatest summers of my life.

Perfect contentment....

Saturday afternoon, June 10, 2006....

This is it, I can feel it.

Perfect contentment.

Peace of mind.

Happiness.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

No life isn't perfect. I still have my share of troubles and woe but AT THIS MOMENT, this exact moment, I am the best that I have ever been. This is who I have struggled to be my whole life - you see, today I realize that I am OK. EXACTLY as I am.

I win.

This feeling is what happens when you don't give up. This is what happens when you believe that things will get better. That you are more than what others will let you be.

This is my life.

Thanks be to God! Amen.


I'm back on track. It's been another good food week. I've had three really good treadmill workouts and I'm making gains in my yoga practice. This morning, I played tennis. I walked to and from work a couple of times this week. I've lost some weight. I'm eating really good healthy food (aside - OMG HOW GOOD ARE FRESH STRAWBERRIES...) and recording it all in FitDay.com.


My video this week features Bernadette Peters singing a song called "Unexpected Song" from one of the lesser known Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals, "Song & Dance". I first saw it some twenty years ago when I was living in London, England and just recently saw it again in Toronto.

I pray that you know of such love, though it has eluded me so far in this life. Though it is entirely possible now.

Wow, where has twenty years gone?



Now, I know that I can!

Cheese is the new cocaine...

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step, and to quote Beckett's existential mind fuck, Waiting for Godot, "there is nothing to be done".

Hi, my name is Scott and I'm addicted to cheese.

As such, it is unlikely that I will be able to report any weight loss for this week. Now don't get me wrong, this past week was, all in all, a pretty good week. Except for the cheese. And the unscheduled hot dog, and the two bottles of red wine..... oh, and I forgot about the cookies....

I remain undeterred. Another week dawns.

Food notes:

1. Although almonds (and other nuts) contain good fat, there is just not enough bang for the fat buck. Just 1 oz (22 almonds) has something stupid like 14 grams of fat.

2. I need to change up my salmon consumption with more turkey. I'm already getting my omega 3s from my eggs at breakfast and by doing so, I can further reduce fat grams.

3. I'm going to explore high fibre, low fat, dry cereal as a snack option in place of the almonds.

4. Apparently, I cannot have any kind of cheese in the house except for fresh ground parmesan that I won't eat as a snack food. I had to log a lot of unnecessary cheese calories last week.

5. Please God help me to avoid the cookies and Friday chips at the office this week. Eating this junk is nothing more than bad habit and unhealthy response to stress.

As for exercise, I've had another great week. I worked out twice on the treadmill, did two yoga classes, and I walked a total of 3.0 miles to and from work one day (due to a wildcat transit strike). Unfortuneatly neither my work schedule or the weather allowed for any tennis. I'm a little frustrated that I haven't had any chance to play since I was hitting so well during my vacation.

On Thursday, I went for my treatment with GOD who says I only need to come back every other week. My Visa card likes that idea, but I'm not sure that I do.

The yoga is great because it is getting me out of my office for a much needed lunchtime break. When I was a smoker, I was always in and out for my smoke breaks but since quitting, I'm in the office from the time I arrive until the time I leave.

My schedule this week is a bit frightening but with any luck, I'll be able to hold it all together and eat and workout according to plan.



Thanks to I-Tunes and YouTube and the like, I'm finding all kinds of music that reminds me of my past and causes me to want to trip down memory lane.... I would have been in my very early twenties (circa 1985) when "We're Not Going to Take It" by Twisted Sister was a big hit. I think the video is hilarious and I love working out to it. I think it reminds me of my youth when I had both the balls and the energy to stand up to speak truth to power. In retrospect though, I've come to understand that some of my anger was totally self-righteous and regretably, not used very effectively.

To date, I've found dozens of videos for such songs and I'm planning to use each one as a tool to get me into some writing about what was going on in my life when these songs were popular (remember Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers?). Hopefully, I'll be able to share some of my insights, though some it will no doubt be too intimate for this space.


Shameless brag:

The view directly across the street from my office is not too shabby.

Even though I don't need to defend Toronto as one of the world's greatest cities (it is though....), we have been known as the only so called world-class city without a world-class Opera House.

Not any more. At a cost of $150 million dollars, The Four Seasons Centre for the Performing Arts officially opens this month and even though I'm not (yet?) an opera afficionado, it is pretty impressive.