How Does It Feel.....

The music this week is from a playlist that I created on my IPod, wwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyy back when the 'marathon imperative' first pushed its way into my 'why do I have to dream so big' brain.



F. ME! TriGreyHound says it better than I think I have ever heard it said: "I'm struggling against the gravitational pull of normal". Indeed.



I'm freeling a weensy bit frustrated... but how would you ever know....

"I'm trying to break these blues, but I can't even get them to bend...."

Anyway, I managed at least a brief workout this morning. Possibly only because I committed to doing so after railing away for an hour to my shrink (and to think he has put up with me for ten years - thank GOD for Canada's wonderful healthcare system) yesterday about the absolute futility of continuing to try after failing so many times. Of course, as I write this, I realize how silly I'm being. I'm just angry and frustrated with myself because in the midst of an otherwise OK weekend I ended up making a very bad choice.



I'm angy because I know that it was a choice that I made but I'm frustrated that I wasn't, in the moment, able to make a different and better choice.



This sort of says just about everything about me.....



But, on the other hand, the very fact that I'm writing this and still getting frustrated and still trying is exactly the reason why I'm still alive.

"It's my life, it's know or never, I'm not going to live forever..... I MIGHT AS WELL LIVE WHILE I'M ALIVE"

Amen.

I WILL!

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Scott (or those gay men and their show tunes....)

OK, first of all, I am so excited I could pee my pants....

I just spoke on the phone to my Internet bud, Spence (Two Thirds the Venture on my sidebar). We think that we are twins separated at birth, albeit a country apart (I'm not quite sure how to explain the 10 year difference in our ages though...). It felt kind of weird to communicate by phone rather than by e-mail, however, I totally believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Right Spence?

So, now to my sidebar, where you will note that I have not one, but three You Tube clips (F. me, I love You Tube). This week's clips are of an awesomely talented woman by the name of Elicia Mackenzie who just won a reality type competition here in Canada, to be cast as Maria in the Sound of Music which is opening in Toronto in October.

Now you MUST know this about me -

I DON'T DO REALITY TELEVISION

- really... I'd rather stick needles in my eyeballs (and besides, I start crying when they kick people off the island) but never mind. Because I'm a big theatre mo, I couldn't resist and I totally picked Elicia as the winner from the first night. I screamed when they announced her as the winner and almost dumped a pot of boiling water down my naked self. I have tickets for January 3rd - I CANNOT wait. Sad as it sounds, I'll probably have to go and wait at the stage entrance to get her autograph....


Anyway moving on....

My second week back at work felt better than the first (the brain was not so cobwebby) but alas, towards the end of the week I was back to the exact habits and patterns that I AM SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO CHANGE:

• get up at the crack of dawn
• start obsessing about deadlines and everything that I have to do at work
• worry about how I can make the lawyers like me (OH, this is swell, at the age of 46...)
• skip working out, promise to do it after work and rush into the office (yeah right!)
• eat second breakfast at about 9:00 o'clock
• leave the office exhausted
• arrive home, inhale BIG bowl of pasta (trying to convince myself that there are half as many calories in twice as much...)
• flop on the couch and watch television
• promise to get it right tomorrow
• go to bed
• repeat

So, I continue to try to figure out a way to start my days by pressing PAUSE. If only I could meditate and get myself balanced and centred, I might actually make some progress.

My day could look like this:

• get up at the crack of dawn and feel INTENSE gratitude for all the richness and blessings of my life
• take a moment to love the cats and realize that life really is quite simple
• meditate
• work out
• FEEL GREAT and not give a flying fuck whether or not the world likes me.... (sing a rousing chorus of "I Am What I Am.. I am my own special creation....)
• then.... after I have taken care of myself, go to work
• be uber productive because I feel so good
• come home feeling energized
• cook a healthy dinner
• maybe watch some television
• repeat

By Friday of last week I was exhausted and decided to join some of the law students in our lounge for a beer, which was just enough to convince me to buy cigarettes on my way home. As I often do, I smoke half a dozen and then ripped up most of the package before going to bed Friday night , swearing never to smoke again, only to wake up Saturday morning feeling GROSS. My answer to this? Go to the store and buy more cigarettes, blow off my workout and rush to the office ON FREAKING SATURDAY MORNING....

TRULY I TELL YOU (an example of WWJS) smoking again after quitting for 2.5 years feels like the worst kind of failure. But, I do know that beating myself up is not going to make me stop any sooner. I did it once and I will do it again.

Now you'll have to excuse me - I have a triathalon to fantasize about....

I WILL!

Fresh starts and new beginnings....

So, going back to work last week was HARD! Having been off for a month and therefore moving slower than a fat snail, I didn't fully appreciate how hard it was going to be to accelerate from 0 to 100 km/h in about a second and a half. Anyway, I got through it - but it wasn't pretty.

Chalk the experience up to a transition week.

With week two upon me, I am all charged up about my goals and plans for a healthier life: I have the right groceries in the house (even cucumbers, which for me is unheard of); I have worked out this morning and have a sketch of a workout schedule in my head all ready to be put on paper and then put into operation; I'm organized at work (OMG, while I was away, we got these sweet plasma quality computer monitors that are like 36" wide... it's a tough job but in all honesty, they give us all of the best toys); and although I have a couple of HUGE deadlines between now and the end of September, I'm optimistic that I can get them done after I have put my health first.

On a spiritual level, I want to throw out a request to lift up my sister W. and her husband D. who are both dealing with difficult challenges in their lives. As well, I finally spoke on the telephone to a man that I met online and with whom I have been communicating by e-mail for a couple of months. Who knows?

Maybe this go around, I can get the loving thing right... do you hear me God?

My workout this morning: 18 minutes on the eliptical, bicep curls and shoulder presses; stretching. Tonight, I am planning to power walk about 7km.

This week's video clip features highlights from the cross-country jumping at the Badminton Horse Trials in England. I am going to a similar event just outside of Toronto at the end of August (though not Olympic level). When I was in my early teens, I dreamed of being a three-day event rider at the Olympics - my idol was Princess Anne.... lol... I competed at the pony club level but for various reasons was not able/did not pursue my dreams.