I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN....

How Does It Feel.....

2008-08-20T05:29:00.003-05:00

The music this week is from a playlist that I created on my IPod, wwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyy back when the 'marathon imperative' first pushed its way into my 'why do I have to dream so big' brain.

F. ME! TriGreyHound says it better than I think I have ever heard it said: "I'm struggling against the gravitational pull of normal". Indeed.

I'm freeling a weensy bit frustrated... but how would you ever know....

"I'm trying to break these blues, but I can't even get them to bend...."

Anyway, I managed at least a brief workout this morning. Possibly only because I committed to doing so after railing away for an hour to my shrink (and to think he has put up with me for ten years - thank GOD for Canada's wonderful healthcare system) yesterday about the absolute futility of continuing to try after failing so many times. Of course, as I write this, I realize how silly I'm being. I'm just angry and frustrated with myself because in the midst of an otherwise OK weekend I ended up making a very bad choice.

I'm angy because I know that it was a choice that I made but I'm frustrated that I wasn't, in the moment, able to make a different and better choice.

This sort of says just about everything about me.....

But, on the other hand, the very fact that I'm writing this and still getting frustrated and still trying is exactly the reason why I'm still alive.

"It's my life, it's know or never, I'm not going to live forever..... I MIGHT AS WELL LIVE WHILE I'M ALIVE"

Amen.

I WILL!

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Scott (or those gay men and their show tunes....)

2008-08-10T17:55:00.005-05:00

OK, first of all, I am so excited I could pee my pants....

I just spoke on the phone to my Internet bud, Spence (Two Thirds the Venture on my sidebar). We think that we are twins separated at birth, albeit a country apart (I'm not quite sure how to explain the 10 year difference in our ages though...). It felt kind of weird to communicate by phone rather than by e-mail, however, I totally believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Right Spence?

So, now to my sidebar, where you will note that I have not one, but three You Tube clips (F. me, I love You Tube). This week's clips are of an awesomely talented woman by the name of Elicia Mackenzie who just won a reality type competition here in Canada, to be cast as Maria in the Sound of Music which is opening in Toronto in October.

Now you MUST know this about me -

I DON'T DO REALITY TELEVISION

- really... I'd rather stick needles in my eyeballs (and besides, I start crying when they kick people off the island) but never mind. Because I'm a big theatre mo, I couldn't resist and I totally picked Elicia as the winner from the first night. I screamed when they announced her as the winner and almost dumped a pot of boiling water down my naked self. I have tickets for January 3rd - I CANNOT wait. Sad as it sounds, I'll probably have to go and wait at the stage entrance to get her autograph....

Anyway moving on....

My second week back at work felt better than the first (the brain was not so cobwebby) but alas, towards the end of the week I was back to the exact habits and patterns that I AM SO DESPERATELY TRYING TO CHANGE:

get up at the crack of dawn
start obsessing about deadlines and everything that I have to do at work
worry about how I can make the lawyers like me (OH, this is swell, at the age of 46...)
skip working out, promise to do it after work and rush into the office (yeah right!)
eat second breakfast at about 9:00 o'clock
leave the office exhausted
arrive home, inhale BIG bowl of pasta (trying to convince myself that there are half as many calories in twice as much...)
flop on the couch and watch television
promise to get it right tomorrow
go to bed
repeat

So, I continue to try to figure out a way to start my days by pressing PAUSE. If only I could meditate and get myself balanced and centred, I might actually make some progress.

My day could look like this:

get up at the crack of dawn and feel INTENSE gratitude for all the richness and blessings of my life
take a moment to love the cats and realize that life really is quite simple
meditate
work out
FEEL GREAT and not give a flying fuck whether or not the world likes me.... (sing a rousing chorus of "I Am What I Am.. I am my own special creation....)
then.... after I have taken care of myself, go to work
be uber productive because I feel so good
come home feeling energized
cook a healthy dinner
maybe watch some television
repeat

By Friday of last week I was exhausted and decided to join some of the law students in our lounge for a beer, which was just enough to convince me to buy cigarettes on my way home. As I often do, I smoke half a dozen and then ripped up most of the package before going to bed Friday night , swearing never to smoke again, only to wake up Saturday morning feeling GROSS. My answer to this? Go to the store and buy more cigarettes, blow off my workout and rush to the office ON FREAKING SATURDAY MORNING....

TRULY I TELL YOU (an example of WWJS) smoking again after quitting for 2.5 years feels like the worst kind of failure. But, I do know that beating myself up is not going to make me stop any sooner. I did it once and I will do it again.

Now you'll have to excuse me - I have a triathalon to fantasize about....

I WILL!

Fresh starts and new beginnings....

2008-08-05T06:38:00.006-05:00

So, going back to work last week was HARD! Having been off for a month and therefore moving slower than a fat snail, I didn't fully appreciate how hard it was going to be to accelerate from 0 to 100 km/h in about a second and a half. Anyway, I got through it - but it wasn't pretty.

Chalk the experience up to a transition week.

With week two upon me, I am all charged up about my goals and plans for a healthier life: I have the right groceries in the house (even cucumbers, which for me is unheard of); I have worked out this morning and have a sketch of a workout schedule in my head all ready to be put on paper and then put into operation; I'm organized at work (OMG, while I was away, we got these sweet plasma quality computer monitors that are like 36" wide... it's a tough job but in all honesty, they give us all of the best toys); and although I have a couple of HUGE deadlines between now and the end of September, I'm optimistic that I can get them done after I have put my health first.

On a spiritual level, I want to throw out a request to lift up my sister W. and her husband D. who are both dealing with difficult challenges in their lives. As well, I finally spoke on the telephone to a man that I met online and with whom I have been communicating by e-mail for a couple of months. Who knows?

Maybe this go around, I can get the loving thing right... do you hear me God?

My workout this morning: 18 minutes on the eliptical, bicep curls and shoulder presses; stretching. Tonight, I am planning to power walk about 7km.

This week's video clip features highlights from the cross-country jumping at the Badminton Horse Trials in England. I am going to a similar event just outside of Toronto at the end of August (though not Olympic level). When I was in my early teens, I dreamed of being a three-day event rider at the Olympics - my idol was Princess Anne.... lol... I competed at the pony club level but for various reasons was not able/did not pursue my dreams.

The "athlete within" (or Defying Gravity... literally)

2008-07-20T15:05:00.005-05:00

So it's on.

I've power walked over 30 km this past week and several times, I have had to stop myself from starting to run. I could feel 'the run' welling up within me and I thought that I could explode from the joy that I felt. I'm of the mind though that if I want to set my sights on a future marathon, that I have to stick to low impact activity until I've lost some weight.

OMG - I have not felt this good in a long long time.

I have returned to living in my body and it feels like home. I don't know whether this makes any sense or not, but I tend to live too much in my head and yield to my baser emotions which results in a rejection of my physical self. Even with all the extra weight I am carrying, I somehow feel light in my body. This is in contrast to trudging through my life, a self-destructive/self-hating blob of fat.

While I have been away from work, I have been striving to let go of no longer needed baggage. As it is told in one of Jesus' parables (I am no theologian, so I could have this terribly wrong... but anyway), following much knashing and grinding of teeth, I am (finally?) burning the noxious weeds that have been allowed to grow in my field of beautiful golden wheat.

I am reconnecting with my humanity which is resulting in connections with others. The heart is mending.

Six months ago, I sat in my therapists' office and opined that I could see nothing in my future except blackness. Now, I see bright, vivid colour, and I'm letting myself believe in all kinds of possibilites.

Many years ago, during another really healthy time in my life, I developed a concept of the "athlete within". I understood this athlete to be the mature and competent man that I know I am and I am so grateful that this "athlete within" is emerging once more.

I'd much appreciate links to other blogs written by emerging runners or runners who have faced enormous challenges to live their marathon dreams (older runners as well). Without a doubt, the mountain before me is steep and there are going to be consequences to be paid for planting the weeds, but I'm resolved to give it my all.

"So if you care to find me,

look to the western sky....

And nobody in all of Oz,

no wizard that there is or was,

is ever going to bring me down...." (Wicked)

I BELIEVE I CAN.

So don't be afraid...

2008-07-14T16:05:00.002-05:00

Today's sidebar (and the title of today's post) is a clip from the Closing Ceremonies at the Gay Games in Chicago in 2006. I wept as I watched, recalling my experience at the Games in 1994, when Ms. Lauper performed at the closing ceremonies; singing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun with about 100 drag queens.

I SO need to do this again!

I can FEEL the desire welling up from within.

I BELIEVE that my true colours are still deeply buried and the person who wears those colours deserves to emerge into the light and LIVE.

So - I'm throwing down the hammer as some of you say - I'm starting to train baby....

Cologne here I come.

I have a lot of work to accomplish in 2 years - but something tells me that this is a pursuit worth throwing myself at.

That was harder than I thought....

2008-07-12T08:43:00.003-05:00

So, two weeks of my month long vacation/sabbatical are behind me. So far so good. The demons are grumbling that they want to come back out and play but my renewed committment to healthy(ier) living is pretty much shutting them up. It's about time.

So far this week, I have logged 19.4 k in fitness walking (and probably another 5 k getting from place to place), 5 hours of meditation and yoga and 10 minutes on my new elyptical. Huh, just 10 minutes? Perhaps, it's a good thing I didn't know how hard it would be working out on an elyptical until after I bought it and had it installed. Truly, baby steps is my mantra du jour. I can't be hard on myself for only being able to do 10 minutes. Rather, I need to consider it a starting point - 10 minutes today, maybe 11 minutes tomorrow and so on.

My inital reaction to my new elyptical is that I really miss my treadmill. Sadly, it had to go because my neighbours started complaining about the early morning noise of the friendly giant in #423 pounding the running board (why they waited for 2 years to complain is beyond me). At first, I thought I could retrain myself to work out at night but if I have learned one thing about myself, it's that I cannot will myself to work out after my work day is finished. As I have written before, I would be all to happy to live my life at 5:00 a.m.; a time of the day that is anathema to the forces of self-destruction. Clearly, not working out played its part in the dark and nearly tragic drama that has been my life for the past 18 months or so. In the circumstances, I was forced to conclude that it was too expensive of a toy to be used, not for its intended purpose, but rather as a clothes rack that doubled as a comfortable bed for the cats (it was too funny watching my James give me the evil eye for taking it away. For several days, he layed on the living room floor in the exact spot where it was positioned - and if you know cats, you know that he was sending me a clear fuck you statement).

So, I think my primary goal for the next year will be to concentrate on gaining aerobic strength using the elyptical and perehaps do some swimming and if I can get a bunch of weight off, I might be able to start doing some running next year. I really hope that this can happen because I am starting to fantasize about going to the Gay Games in Cologne, Germany in 2010. One of the highlights of my life was competing in the Games in New York in 1994 and I so want to have that experience at least once more in my life. Although never say never, I doubt that the marathon is in the cards but maybe I can manage the 10k?

This leads me to another confession: towards the end of my dance with devil, I started to smoke cigarettes again.

YYYYYYYYUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!

What a gross and foul habit. I am having a really really hard time with this given that I had quit for about 2.5 years. I suppose it could have been worse - I only started again at the tail end of the slide and I'm confident that I can quit again without too much fuss. If ever I want to know why 10 minutes on the elyptical feels like such a challenge, I need to look no further than the stupidity of smoking cigarettes. It is the more amazing given that I had a conversation just a few months ago during which I commented that I didn't think I could smoke a cigarette if someone was holding a gun to my head. More amazing still, is that I wasn't craving cigarettes. The first relapse was an isolated incident that just happened one night; I went to the store for potato chips or some such and when I was paying, I just blurted out, small Players Light King and before I had a chance to stop myself, I was ripping open the package and had one lit almost before I was out of the store. Although it took several months, I didn't really start again until early June when my work stress was particularly acute and I was desperately worried about the general state of my life and the escalating impact of my self-destructive behaviour.

My inner demons were particularly pleased with this turn of events. The good news is that I know without a doubt that I will be a non-smoker again. The experience of not smoking for so long will serve me well as I get it together to quit once again.

On other fronts, my return to yoga practice is going really well. I stayed away for too long because I knew that I would feel really self conscious and started to believe that I wouldn't be able to do a downward dog pose if my life depended on it. For me, the best thing about yoga is that it is not competetive and doing anything is better than doing nothing at all. It totally helps that a respected teacher has opened up a new studio in my neighbourhood and thereby removing the excuse of having to travel out of one's way to practice. As well, my firm agreed to let me use my gym membership benefit to pay for classes.

The benefit of a yoga/meditation was particularly manifest in my life yesterday. I woke up in the morning feeling all out of sorts and particularly lonely. I went out for coffee and a bagel on my way to the studio and was desperate for an excuse not to go. Had I not have gone, I know only too well where I would have ended up. The good news is that I forced myself and saved the day.

All in all, things seem to be getting back on track.

Thanks so much to Katy for her feedback on my recent post - I have shared it with my shrink and a therapy group that I have joined and they all agreed with her and had a good laugh to boot. If ever I get up the nerve to do standup comedy (which I would really love to do someday) I will surely use this as material.

BELIEVE

So, what happened?

2008-07-07T17:49:00.004-05:00

Today's sidebar offering is a video of Elaine Stritch singing "Here's to the Ladies Who Lunch" from Sondheim's Company. Ms. Stritch (is she not just too freaking fabulous for words?) originated the role of Joanne on Broadway in 1970. Although I've never had the privilege of seeing it, I frequently listen to the soundtrack, and the following lyric somehow captures the essence of who I am, where I find myself and, why I went away:

"HARRY: You've got so many reasons for not being with someone,

but Robert, you haven't got one good reason for being alone."

It amazes me (and perhaps the brilliance lies therein) that one line can speak so much truth.

You see, I live behind thick emotional walls borne of fear and shame that stubbornly refuse to fall despite years of therapy - a part of the puzzle of my life that I just can't seem to resolve. Not that therapy has been a waste. Quite to the contrary. It's just that it has taken years of scrubbing my soul with SOS pads to get to the dense and murky depths of my soul where these particular demons live.

So as the story goes, about a year and a half ago, I was in a place where the scab got picked and I just couldn't go there, effectively giving permission to my demons to run amok. Boy were they happy because within me, they were assured a host who would provide them an excellent place to party right on. I vividly remember a particular yoga class during which I actually felt my heart open and I started to weep. In that moment, I was as human beings are meant to be - alive, vulnerable, present and in the moment. If you recall, my last blogs were all about yoga and health and letting go of body image issues (physically, my walls are comprised of fat and the effects of willful self-destruction). Well, my friends, to get there, one has be willing to, as they say, lean into the pain and deal.

Now, to be clear, I don't believe that all of this happened in the space of one yoga class - but during the winter/spring of 2007, I arrived at the proverbial fork in the road and I skipped down the path to Hell because I just didn't have the courage (or whatever else one needs) to walk a journey of love. Moreover, at least some of this can be attributed to that old canard, the mid-life crisis (if only I had spent the money on a little red sports car....instead of on.... ummmm... ok then, moving on....) .

All the while, I was dealing with the stress of my job, the aftermath of a national political leadership campaign and the death in April of 2007 of an unlikely best friend, Marie. She had moved away (to live with her daughter) several months earlier, following the death of her husband, only to find out that she was full of cancer. I never got to see her again or to say goodbye. There are days that I just want to scream at God for giving me so much death and loss to deal with. But, I know that have not been singled out. As my Mother once said enroute to a cemetary - I'm afraid that if I start crying, I won't stop.

I write none of this to feel sorry for myself to throw myself out as a victim. I blame no one for this state of personal affiars - I learned a long time ago that I am responsible for my choices and actions... the good and the bad. It's just that my sack of hammers got too heavy and I couldn't cope - so I did what I know best - I tried to avoid the pain by escaping to imaginary fantasy worlds (quite lovely in the beginning) that one can only get to, by doing things that I'm neither proud of nor that I can describe in a public blog. Suffice to say, I'm lucky that I'm still alive. I come to this tendency to escape honestly; it is after all the way I survived childhood. It's not that I was ever actively suicidal (that's just not how I roll), but I sure didn't much care if my days on the planet were numbered as the result of my own negligence. For way too long, I worked during the week (full of fear and anxiety) and once Friday arrived, promptly set about to free myself from the desperation of living that engulfed me. What a sorry assed existence, let me tell you.

Fast forward - this behavioural folly eventually led to the dead end that I could have predicted it would lead to when I chose to go down that road in the first place, and the drama became more of a problem and more painful than that which I was trying to escape. So, I sought out help, took a trip to New York, moved into a fabulous new office (I know this is shallow of me, but it's really big.... alas, on a more humble note, it is big by accident and not by virtue of any real or imagined importance), arranged for a month long vacation/sabbatical, and here I am.

The important thing for me in all of this (and I hope for anyone reading): Even though I knew on some level that I was risking death, I persisted on the road to self-destruction because I decided that it was appropriate to beat on myself for taking a road that I had already taken more than once before and that was getting me exactly nowhere. However, this time round and relatively early in the process of getting help, I came to an ability to see the past year or so as just another leg of the journey; a journey from which I expect that I will emerge from better and stronger than before.

It has been a journey that has taught me much. Having found myself in middle age (and btw, would somebody please explain to me just how the fuck that happened so quickly - just yesterday, I was 21....) I have decided that the point of living is to be authentic and to live my life as the man God created me to be.

I am currently of the mind that to do so, or at least to try, is to live a life without regrets.

So, it's back to yoga, trying to eat properly and hopefully start training again. Early days, but I BELIEVE I WILL.

Totally Fucked

2008-07-03T15:26:00.008-05:00

I apologize to anyone who has worried about me since I stopped posting over a year ago. It will take a while to explain, but for starters, this is where I moved to when I stopped blogging and continued to live there for way too long:

That's right - in total and utter blackness. Competing in the Ironman Descent to Hell (the point being is that unlike the true Ironman contests, the point of this race is that everyone who enters is guaranteed to lose and many will die).

Although I started to move out of the pitch black of Hell sometime ago (btw, not somewhere you go after you die), I think that my return to some kind of conscious living really started to happen in April when I saw THE MOST AWESOME AND INCREDIBLE BROADWAY SHOW EVER IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THEATRE - Spring Awakening. Talk about a life changing experience. The title of this post is the title of one of the songs from the show, which is on my sidebar (I wish there was a better version on YouTube but I couldn't find one). As I hope to be able to share with you over time, while I was living in the land of the hopelessly lost losers, I ultimately reached the point where I knew that I was totally and utterly FUCKED!

Now, this show has everything that a good broadway musical needs to have: teenage pregnancy, child abuse, back alley abortions, suicide and gay characters. But for all the sadness and tragedy it ultimately delivers a message of hope and inspiration that had me almost drowning in my own tears and snot - only several rows from the stage and close enough that I'm sure the actors could hear me. For me, I understood it's meaning to be that regardless of where you find yourself in life, no matter how hopeless the situation appears to be - you must go on. If it's not already, it will be touring soon. If nothing else, in that moment and the moments that followed, I knew what true and joyous happiness felt like. It is hard to believe that the play on which the musical is based was written in the 1890's.

The day after seeing it, I found myself wandering Central Park on an exquisite spring morning - and it dawned on me that I was experiencing a spring awakening of my own; that, in fact, I had moved out of the madness of addiction and self-destruction and was looking for more suitable accommodation. To be sure, if I do get going again on this blog, this awakening will be one of the themes as I continue to stitch together the threads of my heart too many times broken. It may one day be about running and training, but for now it is going to be about my quest for healthy living, healing and about learning how to be ever more authentically myself.

The experience was all the more memorable, as I happened to be in New York during the Broadway Cares Appeal and in exchange for a $350 donation, I got to go on a guided tour of the backstage area with the three leads, Jonathan, Leah and Blake. The three of them were AWESOME! I have a great picture of the three of us backstage but alas, the upload image feature in Blogger won't let me.

I hope that some of you will want to share my journey with me - the hard times may not be all the way behind me just yet, but I BELIEVE (Thanks Spence:)) that I am back on the right road and moving ever forward.

Namaste.

Yoga is the new cheese...

2007-01-14T16:14:00.000-05:00

This is just a short post so that those of you in the blogosphere who care, will know that I am alive and doing well here in Toronto, where normal winter weather has finally arrived. I say short because it occurs to me that this blog is really NOT about running a marathon or doing a triathalon. SHOCKING, I KNOW. In fact, I am almost certain that running a marathon is not in the cards for this life.

BUT WAIT... before you all start in at me for not selling myself short, and never say never.... I DO plan on running... and playing tennis.... and doing yoga. I just don't (at least at the moment) believe that my body will ever be sound enough or injury free enough to be able to withstand the physical strain of the marathon, nor will the reality of my professional life allow for a consistent training/diet schedule. And more on this later, but I just don't see myself losing enough weight to make the marathon possible.

Sometimes, one just has to accept that a ship has sailed.

But what I do want to tell all of you, and a great big thanks to Runner Susan for inspiring this, the birth of this blog has led me closer to achieving a goal that has the potential to be even more life affirming than running a marathon: loving my body exactly the way it is.

Now, as this is going to be just a short post, and because this is so HUGE, I am not going to be able to cover what is sure to be a lot of ground in this post. It is however, what I am going to be writing about in this blog - at least as much as is possible or appropriate. I have suffered my whole life from weight and body image issues and I say ENOUGH.

This epiphany came in a recent yoga class during the week after Susan wrote about her own weight and body image issues when the instructor asked all of us to dedicate our practice that evening to a cherished goal that seemed impossible or elusive. Let me tell you, in all of my years, I have never seen something more clearly. In that moment, I knew and understood on a very deep level that it was time to let go and to surrender that part of me that has caused me so much pain and misery throughout my life.

And this is where I need to leave it for today - yoga is the new cheese.

It is quite extraordinary and almost beyond explanation how I feel after doing a yoga class. I feel whole and complete in a way that I have just never known.

And I wonder, how could have spent so many years being so mean and cruel to myself?

So, there it is folks. I said at the beginning that I am going to run, play tennis and do yoga - but I am going to do it for my health and because it is fun and it gives me life. I am going to try to lose weight by eating healthy because I will probably live longer - AND NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOK HOT... oh please, vanity thy name is Scott!

I am NOT going to be a slave to working out to lose weight. Big difference.

In closing, I have a multi-gazillion dollar publishing idea and I'm going to let you all in on the ground floor. It's called the Scott Plan. It's really very simple. All you have to do is eat healthful, nutritious food and workout out and you will lose weight. I cannot believe that nobody has thought about it before now. I swear it is going to make me rich.

Eat that you South Beach, carb hating freaks.

Be well all! Oh btw, just because I'm not writing a running blog doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep following your running/tri blogs.

OK so, maybe it's not all that short.

Fatty fatty 2x4 couldn't get through the bathroom door.....

2007-01-07T11:38:00.000-05:00

I've changed my mind about not making New Year's resolutions.

To wit: I resolve in 2007 to accept my body. As it is. Whatever it takes.

I have just finished reading Runner Susan's blog about her obsession with weight and body image issues and I feel so sad [and angry] for her and for the rest of us whose lives are so ruled.

I SAY ENOUGH!

That doesn't mean that I'm not going to keep on trying to eat healthy and work out. To be clear, what it does means is that I am going to stop obsessing about what my body looks like and focus on what it feels like to be fit and healthy - regardless of what the scale says.

Moving on.

It's been all good this week on Planet Scott. I've done 2 yoga classes and 3 treadmill workouts and I have a kitchen full of healthful food. This afternoon, I'm going to make homemade butternut squash soup... yum!

The coming week is sure to be stressful though. Yesterday, I sent an e-mail to the partners of the law firm where I work who act as the clerk supervisors and asked them for a meeting to discuss my compensation. Now, I just have to self-confidently get through the meeting without them chewing me up and spitting me out... or firing my ass.

Well that's all for now. Have a great week all!

Lard have mercy.... and thoughts for a new year

2007-01-01T08:53:00.000-05:00

I don't make New Year's resolutions.

Why would I? And for that matter, I don't understand why anyone else does? For me, making resolutions would be tantamount to an invitation to ruin the symbolic beauty and promise of a New Year with hatred and self-loathing, upon the inevitable failure of the grand plans and ideas that are usually the subject of such resolutions ... usually before noon on January 1st.

Rather, I prefer to recognize the start of each new year as an opportunity to take stock of the year that has just passed and to re-dedicate myself to myself if you will.... to continue to become the best possible version of me. Continue being the operative word; for even in failure, one's effort must be recognized (of course this is an objective truth that is often lost on me emotionally).

As someone once said: "If you're not failing half of the time, then you're not trying hard enough".

So on that note, in no particular order, are some thoughts about how I lived in 2006 and the opportunities that exist as the result:

1. Without a doubt, my greatest achievement in 2006 was to continue to be smoke free. In some ways, this has to excuse, or at least mitigate any and all negatives that I will detail below. If only I could have understood how good I would feel after quitting, I might have quit sooner. My thanks to Dr. Susan Westlake for her years of encouragement and support and for never judging me on the numerous starts and stops along the way. Memo to self: this is proof that YOU CAN!

2. As many of you already know, weight has been my life long struggle and 2006 was no exception. Trust me, though it is rarely acknowledged, I am living proof that men (multiply the effect for gay men) suffer terribly with body image issues. This morning, I forced myself to step on the scales.... 266.8 lbs. Now, part of me is screaming that I am simply too fat to live while the better part of me recognizes that it is still less than what I weighed just a couple of years ago. Just the same, it is discouraging to know that just a few months ago, I was down to 250 lbs., working out regularly, eating healthy and moving a little at a time to the 240s and now .... I have to start all over again.

If I am resolved to anything for 2006, it is to make progress in TRULY dealing with the damage and unhappiness caused by these issues.

That said, I refuse to beat myself up too much for this, in that almost everyone who quits smoking gains weight. Moreover, I was pushed to the wall professionally this past fall and alas.... I am human.

3. Professionally, 2006 was perhaps the most difficult year of my working life but it was also without a doubt the most satisfying. It was a year during which I pushed myself to new heights and regained confidence lost as the result of prior failures and the viscissitudes of disasters past.

It was a year when I found myself working in the heady atmosphere of high level Canadian politics; though I need to be very careful here to admit to myself that I am perhaps too much impressed by this fact and to recognize the cost of this on my physical health. Questions to self: are you doing this for the right reasons.... can you work at this level without abdicating responsibility for yourself?

The immediate challenge for the new year is going to be making a case to my superiors for a significant increase in my salary. Stay tuned.

4. Overall, save for the last couple of months, 2006 was a very good year with respect to my workout goals. Though I didn't manage to run outdoors or complete any races, there were a number of months where I was regularly working out on my treadmill and throughout the course of last summer I was hitting successfully with a tennis professional. As well, I did some swimming (appeared in public in a bathing suit no less) and developed a fledgling yoga practice.

Opportunities all for 2007. My most immediate intentions are to push forward with my yoga practice and to re-establish my treadmill routine. Though I haven't given up all hope of ever running a marathon, I will be happy, if in 2007, I can train and stay healthy enough to run credibly for my age group at the 5k distance; and, if that happens... maybe attempting the 10k distance.

Of course, I have every intention of playing tennis again this summer - if for no other reason for the social benefits.

Memo to self: your highest self will be served by attemtping these pursuits (along with healthy eating) for NO OTHER REASONS than good health. Woe is you if you do so for the sake of physical appearance and vanity.

5. For myriad reasons both related and not to what I have already written, I lived beyond my financial means in 2006 and, gambled more than I could afford to lose. Serious corrective action on this front is immediately necessary.

6. I moved past my fear (if only briefly) and made attempts to meet men in the hopes of developing new friends or an intimate relationship. Suffice to say here that this aspect of myself is very much wrapped up with my body image and sexual issues and .... stuff that is for therapy and not for this blog. Memo to self: get over yourself and stop pissing and moaning about how horrible it is to be a middle aged gay man.... warts and all...

I think that about covers it.

To those I consider to be my friends in the blogosphere, I wish for you all a happy and productive 2007.

N.B. The video on my sidebar is from the 1992 tribute to Freddie Mercury from Wembley Stadium that was broadcoast round the World. It was certainly one of the saddest years of my life when I lost my best friend (and cousin) Shaun to AIDS. Besides grieving, I was, at the time, working as a co-producer of Fashion Cares which is a fashion industry fundraiser for the AIDS Committee of Toronto. Memo to self: do it for them.

MUST DO YOGA!

2006-11-16T20:00:00.000-05:00

OMG this is good shit. Once things calm down, I intend to ramp up the focus on my yoga practice - it's better than cheese. I've found a new studio that has a great energy - I left after class Monday night feeling lighter than a cloud. The instructor read the following piece at the end of the class I attended on Monday which almost had me in tears....

Anyway

People are often unreasonable,
Illogical, and self-centered:
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
People may accuse you of having selfish,
ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
You will win some false friends
and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,
People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
Someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
They may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
People will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
And it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,
It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

Still here....

2006-11-12T11:03:00.001-05:00

Thanks all for your concern. I'm sorry that I haven't posted in like forever.... just way too much going on. And while I'm apologizing... this is just going to be a short post on the fly to give you a sense of what's going on with me and where I'm at.... I'm afraid I just don't have the time or the energy for anything else. And last apology... please ignore the grammar or lack thereof....

Anyway... better news first...

1. I FREAKING DID IT! NOVEMBER 7TH MARKED MY ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SINCE QUITTING SMOKING. This is not only huge, it is some kind of a miracle given everything else that I am trying to cope with (in some cases not all that successfully).

2. To say that I am busy at work would be an understatement. EVERYTHING WAS DUE YESTERDAY. And I am not getting a thing done other than the very next most important thing. The lawyers that I work with are similarly stressed and pressured... all of the deadlines are moving targets.... priorities are constantly shifting. (I must be in a good mood this morning because I want to write really hateful things about the lawyers but I keep erasing it on the notion that they are just human and not evil monsters whose sole purpose in life is to make my life miserable... if only I were that important to them... get a grip Scott).

3. The Convention to elect the new leader of the federal Liberal Party is only three weeks away and the candidate that I am working for, is now recognized as one of the top contenders. VERY EXCITING. I wish I had the time to write more about this but then if I did, I would need to be in the office working on the campaign.... (I trust that the type of people who read my blog are thrilled with the results in the recent mid-terms elections in the U.S. )

Now the not so good news....

I am dancing as fast as I can and in so doing, my inner demons have all escaped and are wreaking havoc all over the place in my life... there isn't enough food to keep me happy at the moment and I can feel myself gaining weight daily (where are my Pringles damnit!) .... I'm still working out... but not enough.... and in the few moments that I do snatch for myself I'm spending money that I don't have gambling... For somebody who considers himself to be an intellectual, I'm quite often not very bright. Making matters worse, I got up my nerve to try dating and the first guy I actually met turned out to be a jerk(another story for another day).

So all in all, this is my life. Some good, some not so good. But I'm still here. I have no idea what the future holds for this blog.

I'll try to post something more coherent sometime soon but I can't promise anything until after the convention at the end of November.

Scott

Living in the moment and finding the run....

2006-10-03T09:48:00.000-05:00

This week's video, Liza, singing Charles Aznavour's Quiet Love, says everything that my heart aspires to and on some level informs the place in my life where I find myself. It fills me with both hope and joy as I hope you will be once you have watched it....

"But come and feel my heart

Its never danced this way

I'm nervous and it's hard

I have so much to say

I've always been afraid

My dreams seemed so unreal

But now I bless this world

For how you make me feel"

Life continues to be hectic and I am trying to be resigned to the fact that I have taken on too much and that I just have to survive the next couple of months. It is trite to say that that which does not kill you, will make you stronger. Well, let me tell you, if I survive, I will be fucking Hercules (not literally... lol).

Anyway.... Focusing on the positive: I am noticing with each passing week that my runs on the treadmill are getting stronger and stronger and I continue to increase my core strength and my flexibility as the result of my developing yoga practice. Of note is the way in which I am "finding my run" which is to say that I am not just looking at the clock and counting the minutes until I am done. What I'm noticing is that I am enjoying the run and I am able to focus on running while holding my core strong with my shoulders relaxed which allows me to run harder and longer. This may sound really basic to the marathoners and Ironmen and women who read my blog but for me it's huge.

FACT: I am without a doubt (age aside) in better physical shape than I have ever been. And despite all pool of sewage in which I currently stew.... this fact cannot be denied.

And I'm risking putting my heart out to find love. If you knew me, you would understand how significant this is.

Ah life.... it is all about the here and right now. The future will just have to take care of itself.

I hope you're all having a great week!

Never slow down in the middle of of a mud puddle....

2006-09-24T14:55:00.000-05:00

I continue to struggle.

I feel like I have too much going on in my life at the moment and that I am doing none of it very well. I feel overwhelmed and scared shitless that everything is going to collapse from the weight of it all.

I am not coping with the stress of my workload and making matters infinately worse, I am making bad decisions based on poor judgment and the lies that I tell myself. I am fucking up... it is just as simple as that. I have nobody to blame.

In short, life in Scottsville sucks right now. Boo hoo... oh woe is me ...

Oh well, c'est la vie. Another week is upon us; another week to try to do better. There is no use in crying over spilled milk... water under the bridge and all of that.

I can't help but to think that all of this is somehow related (in ways that are not at all clear to me... yet anyway) to my pathological fear of dating and intimacy. It would be just so like me to trash everything in sight just to make certain that I have an excuse to push away any potential partners.... to be all dark and twisty like Meredith from Grey's Anatomy (aside: OMG how brilliant was the first episode... Izzy, prone on the floor in her ballgown, paralyzed by grief....)

Anyway... life goes on. If I can rely on experience, I know that these tempestuous times are transitory and that this storm will pass and I will find myself stronger for having weathered it.

Thanks for all of your encouraging comments. It really helps to know that people care and are rooting for you.

Be well!

Perfection should never get in the way of the good....

2006-09-16T16:28:00.000-05:00

First of all, a great big heartfelt congratulations to TriIRONSARATops on her heroic success in the IM MOO last weekend! Reduced to puddles of inspiration and snot ... I say, Mrs. Z. - YOU ARE AWESOME! It has been my privilege to live your IM journey vicariously through you. I so hope that we actually get to meet someday.

I had an appointment with my therapist this week and worked through the question of how and why I managed to get myself so off track during the month of August. As is always the case, in the context of psychotherapy the answer is plain and obvious: I sometimes (less often now than in years past) confuse the way I feel with who I am.

Now if you recall, the whole drama (and it may not even rate as drama) started one Friday night as I was leaving work and I took notice of the fact that I was feeling a little lonely; a feeling which I am loathe to feel and that I can usually avoid, given that I generally enjoy my own company. Now, so I'm told, everyone feels lonley now and again and apparently, most have the ability to address it constructively or simply acknowledge it and move on with their lives. Not I. For whatever reason, I equate the feeling of lonlieness with being a LOSER! And once I start thinking of myself as a loser, then it is only a matter of time before I am off to the races in an attempt to escape the feeling and, in so doing, sabotage everything in sight that I've worked so hard to achieve. Of course it begs the question, whether or not the sabotage is somehow an unconscious response to the believing myself to be a loser or at least, not as good as the rest. Chicken or the egg? Horse or cart?

It is almost trite to explain this away as the result of growing up gay in a homophobic society that told me from the time I was a little boy that I some kind of an abomination. Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing my behaviour or blaming the world (I have only gotten this far by taking responsibility for my behaviour) rather, I'm just trying to put it into some kind of context.

Throughout August, the preferred method of escape was gambling. It could just as easily been food or drugs... or compulsive exercise... and such has been my life.

The good news has always been that I most often feel like I'm winning the war ... even if I am disgraced in a battle or two along the way.

Moving on....

Despite the fact that my treadmill workouts are progessing in both speed and distance (and without injury) I have been seriously thinking about my goals and strategies for dealing with my life and I have concluded that it just may not be realistic (and therefore unhealthy) to continue to dream about running a marathon (remember the song lyrics from last week about having too many dreams and having to let a few of them go....). Now before the Greek chorus starts, I want to clarify. I am not saying that I will never run a marathon. Maybe I will... someday. What I am saying, is that it is not going to be one of my conscious goals.

At this stage of my life, it feels more right to simply run (or swim or play tennis) for the sake of my health and emotional well-being as opposed to running to train specifically for a marathon (which as you may recall is the ONLY reason I started to run in the first instance... I wanted to be a hero). There is a difference (at least to me) between pushing oneself to satisfy realistic goals and setting oneself up for failure, and it seems to me that continuing to focus on running a marathon as an end goal, is setting myself up for failure.

So, I have decided to alter my goals and to focus on the 10k distance. Now, I could be wrong but I think it to be at least possible that completing a strong 10k race will feel just as satisfying (at least in the context of my life) as running a marathon. As well, by focusing on this distance, I should have the energy to do some swimming and play some tennis..... in other words, I'm striving for BALANCE. I'm striving to have some fun and to treat my workouts as something that is pure and simple about health promotion.

In other words, I do not wish to let perfection (a marathon) get int the way of the good (running for health).

Of course, all you triathaletes out there have me jonesing to try a sprint tri but I just can't seem to get my head around the bike. Where I am going to ride it... on the freeway? But that's a problem for another day.

To such end, for the first week in a long time, I have completed all four of my treadmill workouts; did a yoga class and ate reasonably well. I'm still hovering at or just below the 250lb. mark (sane goal 220; hero goal 200). I hope by next Sunday to join the local gay and lesbian swim group and start taking some lessons.

And the world goes round and round....

And life goes on......

2006-09-10T10:44:00.000-05:00

You've got so many dreams

That you don't know where to put 'em

So you'd better turn a few of 'em loose

Your body's got a feeling that it's starting to rust

You'd better rev it up and put it to use

Fire Inc. Nowhere Fast

First of all, thanks for all the encouragement and supportive comments during my late summer hiatus (otherwise known as irresponsibly fucking around, consequences be damned). In my last post, having fallen [HARD] off of my pink cloud, I cursed gravity; i.e. what goes up, must come down. Now, having skulked around on the outer margins of respectable and polite society for the last six weeks, I can only hope that there is nowhere else to go but up.

In any event, I think the following parable (which is a paraphrase, author unknown) provides an apt framework to describe where I currently find myself in my life journey.

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters:

1. I walked down a street. I saw a hole. I fell in. It was not my fault.

2. The next day, I walked down the same street. I saw the same hole and I fell in… again. Though I am not surprised, it is my fault.

3. On the third day, I walked down the same street. I saw the same hole. This time, I tried to jump over. I fell in… again. I am undeterred.

4. On the fourth day, I walked down the same street. I saw the hole. This time, I tried to go around it. I fell in again. I know that I am beaten.

5. On the fifth day, I took a different street.

Following years of hard fought for gains and up until August of this year, I felt like I was safely on “the different street”. It has been, all things considered, a great year in my life. To wit:

I quit smoking (over 10 months now);
I have lost some weight (not as much as I need or want to but considering that most people gain weight when they quit smoking, I’m doing ok);
I am arguably fitter now, than at any time during the last 5-7 years;
I have been employed at my current place of employment longer than at any other job during my career – almost 3.5 years (caveat: this is a double edged sword as I fear that each and every day will be my last swimming as I do in a sea of sharks);
I started this blog and connected with some amazing and interesting bloggers;
I finished my kitchen reno which enabled me to open my home for dinner parties and the like;
Family relationships are great and relatively stress free;
I had one of the best vacations of my life this past May;
I’m running stronger and longer on my treadmill than ever before and simply cannot believe how clear my lungs feel since quitting smoking (who knew?);
I have become politically active and am working on the campaign of a man who could become Canada’s next Prime Minister (trust me, the World will be better for it if they do elect this man);
I started playing tennis again and discovered that age aside, it is possible that I was hitting better than I ever did; and
I started yoga and regained flexibility that I had thought was lost to age forever.

Apparently not.

Despite this veritable embarrassment of riches that is my life, I marched right back down the street with the hole, looked right into it and said ‘yee haw giddy up’ and I dove right in head-fucking-first. I was not shocked, nor was I stunned. In fact, I knew well of the dangers lurking in that hole but I jumped in anyway.

Explanation:

Why you ask would I do something so magnificently stupid? Ask my heart. [Now before I go on, please remember that there is good news in all of this and the fact that I am writing this at all is somewhat of a miracle - so the last thing I need or want is sympathy or pity... understanding is welcome]

Ask my broken heart that has probably mended by now but is terrified of being broken again.

You see, at some point in my life, as the result of witnessing the deaths of too many friends of HIV/AIDS, the death of my Father and a couple of cherished pets, the shocking loss of a job by a knife in the back, coupled with the excrutiating pain of unrequited love, I decided that I couldn't go on. All of this exacerbated by addiction to one thing or another (thankfully not nearly as bad as it could have been). At the time, with my heart blown to smithereens, I was down... and so I thought, for the count. I just couldn't imagine how I was going to get up... yet again.... and try to make something of my life.

Well, thankfully, with the passage of time, the intervention of some very good people (professional and otherwise), I made a very conscious decision that I WAS GOING TO LIVE.

Having made that decision and with a lot of hard work, I have arrived to my present state and have been known to run around strewing daisies about and shouting about my happiness from the rooftoops. However, it's not the full, unvarnished truth.

Yes, I am happy on the outside. But my heart has always wanted and needed more and I have been too afraid of being hurt all over again to risk anything even remotely resemembling vulnerabiltiy or intimacy. So it's happy as a pig in shit versus soul sucking loneliness. And around about the first week of August, I came to the crossroads at which point I decided that I simply had to admit to this and to do something about it. And, so in the face of so doing, I jumped into the hole, apparently preferring misery over the potential for happiness.

blah blah blah blah...... and so it goes..... boo fucking hoo......

It's time to get over it.

And this my blog friends is where we start over in September of 2006. I think that I've crawled back out of the hole (not so much worse for the wear thank-God) and I'm looking for another street which will be, in part, represented by my continued workouts (albeit with more focus on running for health and happiness vs the former heroic marathon goal). Professionally, the fall season is going to be a roller coaster of busy busy with the added burden of a course in securities law and the potential for attendance at the Liberal Leadership convention in Montreal at the end of November.

Further, I have decided to take a page out of K and M's book and try internet dating to see where that might lead. Who knows perhaps I'll end up with the love of my life in some far off distant land?

So, stay tuned. In the coming weeks, I intend to start posting details of my workouts and I might even start posting my weight as a measure to hold myself accountable.

[having just reread what I've written, I will probably need to fill in a few details here and there that I glossed over in my haste to get this posted.... ahem K.....]

I hope you have all been well and I look forward on catching up with all of your blogs!

P.S. The video is from the 80's movie Streets of Fire which is appropriate in that it was introduced to me by the all time unrequited love of my life... during the early 90's when I was in peak athletic shape, I used to workout all the time to this music but only recently rediscovered the lyrics. Indeed.... you've got so many dreams....

What goes up must come down.....

2006-08-15T05:06:00.000-05:00

.......fucking gravity.

Though it has been one of the best summers ever and I'm without question, fitter and stronger than I've ever been, I currently find myself in a place where I simply don't believe my own header.

I need to refocus and come up with a new training/diet plan for the Fall.

When I do, I shall return.

I promise.

Though I THINK I CAN, sometimes I really shouldn't...

2006-08-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

Warning.... freakish stream of consciousness rant follows. This is the trainwreck that we all know we shouldn't look at ... but somehow, we just can't help ourselves.

In advance, just so you know, despite it all, I'm OK!

WHAT WAS I THINKING ACTUALLY I WASN'T THINKING I JUST FREAKING LOST CONTROL THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LEAVE WORK ON A FRIDAY OF A LONG WEEKEND WITHOUT ANY SOLID PLANS AND ALLOW THE DEMONS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A BORED STATE OF MIND LULLED INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS BY MY LIFE WHICH HAS OTHERWISE BEEN FABULOUS BUT APPARENTLY I'VE CLIMBED WAY UP ONTO A HIGHHORSE AND FORGOTTEN THE PAINFUL LESSONS OF THE PAST THE WRETCHED EXCESS AND THE SELFDESTRUCTION THAT I AM CAPABLE OF IT ALL STARTED FRIDAY NIGHT SITTING IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER WITH A GLASS OF WINE AND MAKING THE FATEFUL DECISION THAT I NEEDED TO PARTY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND THEREAFTER DEPARTING FOR SOME OF MY OLD HAUNTS IN SEARCH OF THE MEANS WHICH I DID NOT FIND AND WHICH CAUSED ME TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I COULDN'T GET LAID IN WHOREHOUSE AND THAT I WAS OLD AND PATHETIC AND BY NOW REALLY BORED WITH MY LIFE YOU SEE ON SOME LEVEL I MUST NOT THINK THAT I DESERVE ALL OF THE HAPPINESS THAT HAS MANIFESTED ITSELF IN MY LIFE CAUSE THIS PAST WEEKEND AS APPARENTLY I WAS DETERMINED TO THROW IT ALL AWAY SO THEN HAVING FAILED MISERABLY TO FIND ANYTHING TO STIMULATE A NIGHT OF DEBAUCHERY AND RECKLESS ABANDON I CAME HOME AND QUITE LITERALLY INHALED AN ENTIRE CAN OF PRINGLES DRANK ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE AND WENT TO BED OF COURSE SATURDAY COULD HAVE BEEN SALVAGED HAD I GOT UP AS ORIGINALLY PLANNED AND HEADED OUT FOR THE TENNIS COURTS BUT NO I DECIDED THAT MY APARTMENT WAS DIRTY ACTUALLY IT WAS AND THAT IT NEEDED IMMEDIATE ATTENTION WHICH IT GOT BUT ALL THE WHILE AS I WAS CLEANING KNOWING THAT THE MOOD FROM THE PREVIOUS NIGHT HAD NOT DISSIPATED AND THAT I WAS ACHING FOR SOMETHING THAT I WAS EMPTY YOU SEE I AM LOATHE TO ADMIT THAT SOMETIMES I FEEL LONELY AND WHEN THAT LONELINESS COMEUS UPON ME WHEN I HAVE FREE TIME ON MY HAND AND PERHAPS OTHERWISE FEELING BORED LOOK OUT SO I CALLED ON A GOOD FRIEND WHO HAS BEEN IN THE PAST A PARTNER IN CRIME BUT WHO HAS CHALLENGES IN HER OWN LIFE AT THE MOMENT THAT WOULD FELL MOST TO THEIR KNEES AND SHE WAS OTHERWISE UNAVAILABLE SO I HEADED TO THE TRACK/CASINO WITH JUST ENOUGH CASH TO HOPEFULLY NUMB MYSELF FOR A FEW HOURS SMART ENOUGH TO LEAVE THE ATM AND CREDIT CARD AT HOME SO I HAD FUN BUT NATCH LOST THE 200 THAT I TOOK WITH AND FOUND MYSELF AT HOME BY 4ISH IN A LOVELY AND COOL AND BY THIS POINT CLEAN APARTMENT WITH ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING TO DO BORED AND LONELY OMG THE WORST POSSIBLE COMBINATION OF EMOTIONS FOR ME TO COPE WITH AND THEN AND THEN AND THEN OMG IT WAS JUST SO AWFUL I BROKE ONE OF MY RULES AND I BROKE IT HARD NO INTERNET GAMBLING DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THE KIND OF DAMAGE THAT IS POSSIBLE AT PARTYPOKER.COM WITH A CREDIT CARD WITH A LIMIT BIGGER THAN THE GDP OF SMALL AFRICAN COUNTRIES FAST FORWARD TO SEVERAL HOURS LATER SLOSHED ON RED WINE WHEN MERCIFULLY MY BANK'S SECURITY SYSTEM WAS TRIPPED WHEN THEY NOTICED UNUSUAL ACTIVITY ON MY CARD AFTER I HAD LOST 500US$ NOT EVEN CDN$ BUT US$ OF COURSE A SANE PERSON WOULD HAVE BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF AND THANKED THE BANK FOR SAVING THEIR ASS BEFORE EVEN WORSE DAMAGE COULD BE DONE BUT NOT SCOTT I SIMPLY CALLED THE BANK AND TOLD THEM THAT ALL WAS WELL THAT I WAS DRUNK AND ON A GAMBLING BINGE AND WOULD THEY PLEASE LIFT THE FUCKING STOP ON MY CREDIT CARD WHICH THEY WERE ONLY TO HAPPY TO OBLIGE SO ANOTHER 100 LATER WHEN I NEEDED TO GO TO THE WELL ONE MORE TIME THE BANK AGAIN AND MY CARD AGAIN WAS DENIED THANK GOD FOR SMART BANKS AND THANK GOD THAT I WAS TOO DRUNK TO DIAL THE PHONE TO ASK THE BANK TO RELEASE THE STOP YET AGAIN AND ALL OF THIS WOULDN'T BE SO BAD EXCEPT I'M TRYING TO SAVE MONEY FOR THIS CONVENTION IN NOVEMBER AND ALL TOGETHER ON SATURDAY I PISSED AWAY THE BETTER PART OF 1000 HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THAT GO AHEAD YES I KNOW PATHETIC SO ANYWAY I PASSED OUT ON SATURDAY NIGHT ONLY TO WAKE UP A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER TO THE REALIZATION OF WHAT I HAD DONE WHICH MADE FURTHER SLEEP AN IMPOSSIBILITY ULTIMATELY I ENDED UP WATCHING A REPEAT OF THE HAWAII IRONMAN ON TV WHICH MADE MY BEHAVIOUR FEEL THAT MUCH WORSE IN COMPARISON KNOWING THAT I HAVE BEEN WORKING SO HARD AND THAT I AM STILL CAPABLE OF SUCH SELF-DESTRUCTION IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE SO ANYWAY I DECIDED THAT I NEEDED TO DO MY TREADMILL WORKOUT TO ATONE FOR MY SINS AND ACTUALLY HAD AN EXCELLENT WORKOUT WHICH MADE ME FEEL SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER THEN I PHONED MY BANK AND ASKED IF THEY COULD PUT A PERMANENT BLOCK ON MY CREDIT CARD FOR INTERNEST GAMBLING AND THEY SAID THEY COULDN'T SO THEN I DISCOVERED THAT I COULD BLOCK MY OWN ACCESS ON THE WEBSITE THAT I WAS PLAYING ON WHICH MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER I THEN PROCEEDED TO GO INTO TO THE OFFICE WHERE I NEEDED TO CATCH UP ON SOME FILES WHICH I AM WAY BEHIND ON DUE TO MY COMMITMENT TO THE CAMPAIGN SO I WORKED AWAY FOR A FEW HOURS OF COURSE IN AN EFFORT TO SAVE ENERGY OUR OFFICE HAD NO AIR CONDITIONING AND IT HAS BEEN HOT IN TORONTO LIKE IT HAS EVERYWHERE ELSE BUT I DID MANAGE TO GET SEVERAL HOURS OF REALLY GOOD WORK ACCOMPLISHED ONE WOULD THINK THAT THE EVENTS OF THE NIGHT BEFORE WOULD HAVE BEEN ENOUGH TO CURE ME OF ANY DESIRE I MIGHT HAVE TO REPEAT THE BEHAVIOUR WELL YOU WOULD BE WRONG BECAUSE WHEN THESE MOODS OVERTAKE ME I AM ONE SICK PUPPY OH SO CAPABLE AND TOGETHER ONE MINUTE AND OMG WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THE NEXT KIND OF LIKE WHEN YOU BLACK OUT AND REALIZE THAT YOU'VE JUST EATEN AN ENTIRE LARGE PIZZA BY YOURSELF ANYHOW I GOT HOME AND TRIED TO LOG ONTO TO WEBSITE TO SEE IF I COULD DO SOME MORE DAMAGE WELL THANK GOD THEY DID AS I ASKED AND THEY HAD BLOCKED ACCESS WELL NO PROBLEM SAYS I MR FUCKING GENIUS THERE ARE OTHER GAMBLING SITES DUH SO I JUST FOUND ANOTHER AND BEFORE I KNEW IT WAS HAPPILY PLAYING TEXAS HOLD'EM TO MAKE A LONG SAD STORY SHORTER I MANAGED SOME CONTROL AMIDST BEING OUT OF CONTROL AND STOPPED MYSELF AFTERLOSING 200$ BUT THAT WAS MOSTLY BECAUSE I WAS TIRED AND SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO MAKE THE 200$ SPREAD OVER ABOUT SIX HOURS OF PLAYING THEN I DID THE RIGHT THING AND SENT AN E-MAIL ASKING THAT WEBSITE TO BLOCK ME SO AT THE END OF THE DAY IT'S JUST MONEY BUT MY BEHAVIOUR WILL MEAN THAT FOR THE NEXT MONTH OR SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO PLAY AS MUCH TENNIS, DO AS MUCH YOGA FOR SEE MY ACCUPUNCTURIST BECAUSE I NOW HAVE TO PAY THE CREDIT CARD BILL FUCK ME I HATE MYSELF SOMETIMES....

OK, so now that I've got that off of my chest. I'm sorry if I've disappointed those of you who think I have my shit together. Trust me, I'm dealing with my own disappointment .... struggling with my own humanity. This reminds me that I need to keep in touch with my past. I think that I got complacent. I thought I could beat gravity. So not.

Anyway, I'm writing this on Monday morning (Civic Holiday here in T.O.) and I'm off to the Roger's Cup... the Canadian Open which is one of the US Open series. It will be my first time in our new tennis stadium which is apparently one of the best in the world. With any luck I will get to see Federer play and with even more luck... that hunk Andy Roddick... for no other reason than he is eye candy for tired and sore eyes.

To try to end this post on an upbeat note. This past Tuesday I hit with my pro and played out of my head. Honestly, I can't understand how I walked away from this game ten years ago???? I followed this up on Thursday with a great treadmill workout during which I was amazed at how much more wind capacity I have since quitting smoking... and it is steadily improving. And... and... I broke the 250 mark on the scales. I haven't weighed less than that for years (yikes I was at least 280 a couple of years ago).

Now downwards James... the 240 lb. benchmark is clearly in the rearview mirror.

Throughout my early adult years when I had a whole bunch of fitness going on, I fluctuated (steadily for fifteen years) between 215-220 lbs. which in retrospect was perfect. Trust me, if at 44 I can get anywhere near close to 220 again, I will be thrilled. Of course, if ever my body cooperates and lets me do the training that will be required to do a marathon, I will need to get my weight down to at least the 200 mark. But let's cross that bridge when we get to it.

And, as of today, it's been 9 months since I quit smoking. It's hard to believe... this, is a miracle.

Of course the issue I now have (and it's a good issue to have) ... do I put my resources into tennis or do I keep trying to run? Part of me knows that I could get back to playing competitively, at least in doubles if not singles...

However, the cost of playing indoor tennis through the winter is astronomical and will really make things tight and, on balance, my indoor options aren't that great. Whereas, for a fraction of the cost, I can swim at the Y and continue running on the big honking treadmill that doubles as furniture in my living room.

Que sera sera.

Anyway, I'm out of time so I can't do anything more with this post.

This is who and where I am in my life today. And I need to be ok with that. There is no point in beating myself up!

This week's video is dedicated to all who struggle....

And I'm telling you... I'm not going

(btw Jennifer Holliday, the large black women singing... it's all good for her character at the end of the show and in real life, she lost all that weight. I saw her a couple of years ago on Oprah and she looked freaking amazing. I haven't heard anything about her since though)

Move on....

2006-07-30T19:09:00.000-05:00

You meant to tell me

To be where I am

Not someplace in the past

or in the future

I worry too much about tomorrow

I thought the world could be perfect

I was wrong

This week's video clip is one of my all time favourites from Stephen Sondheim's Sunday in the Park With George. It has been with me for some twenty odd years now... yet the words seem new and relevant each and every time I listen to them. And each and every time, the meaning of the words are richer and more delicious. They are to be savoured.

I remember the first time I discovered the words (though I wouldn't appreciate their meaning until years later). I was in my early twenties and working as an assistant to the bigger than life fashion show producer of the too short lived Festival of Canadian Fashion. This producer (who I sought to emulate but... long story... for all the wrong reasons as I would later discover) designed the opening gala show with models posing on a runway built to a scale (it was massive) that had never been done before anywhere in the world.... I remember being in utter awe of the drama .... beautiful women, ever so slowly processing the length of the runway bejewelled in to-die-for evening gowns, aloof and without expression (it was 80's after all), initermittently awash in pools of blinding white light.....

Remember George....

ORDER

DESIGN

TENSION

BALANCE

HARMONY

Sunday....

Tonight, I am ruminating on the meaning of, "I was wrong". Oh, my child.... about so many things.

I turned 44 (how did this happen so quickly might I ask?) this past week. And though there is lots to rejoice in my life, I spent the week alternately stuffing my gob with high-fat crap and trying to get my head right about the whole weight loss/body image crisis that has ruled my life since childhood.

Enough!

It is long past the time in my life where I just have to stop thinking about losing weight for the sake of vanity. It is a riduclous to continue to believe that when I am thin, I will find the boyfriend of my dreams (I've left out the years of therapy it took to get me to this point). Scott, such thinking was crap when you were 22 and it's crap at 44.. No worse - it's just plain sad. What's worse, is that I know it. I just don't seem to be able to live it which is a constant source of frustration to me. Admittedly, I am getting better... slowly....

I suppose the good news is that I am not nearly fat enough to be considered a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery. Yeah... I checked it out. I'd probably consider it if it didn't cost $16,000 and had no real guarantees of success.... my luck, I'd end up looking like that freak Star Jones....

So where does this leave me practically speaking? Exactly where I am (see/hear lyrics above). Living my life one day at a time.... with each new day trying to maintain a nutritionally balanced diet for the purpose of health and feeling good.... not motivated by vanity.

In other news....

I'm working hard for the candidate that I'm supporting to become the next leader of the Liberal Party of Canada. Hence, the fall is looking like it could be really, REALLY exciting, culminating with a trip to the convention (hopefully as a delegate) in Montreal at the end of November. It's a big drag not being able to publish his name and website but... my involvement is such that it just wouldn't be a good idea. (I never know how much actual identifying details to include in my blog. Certainly, at least a few of you know my full name and e-mail address at this point.)

I went to a campaign retreat last Monday and witnessed first hand the national machine at work. Let me tell you, it was impressive beyond words; seeing the volunteers and campaign staff from coast to coast in policy, communications, fundraising, tour management, all working together, connected by the belief that our guy is something special and just so right for our times.

It was all a bit sureal, when at one point, he extended his hand to me and greeted me by name (it was my third time meeting him in person) and I felt a tear in my eye.... thinking that I was in the presence of greatness.... shaking the hand of a man who could easily be the next Prime Minister of this great country that is Canada! (sorry, I'm not usually this nationalistic).

Say what you will about my life... but it is rarely dull.

So, I've pretty much accepted that running (other than on my treadmill which continues to progress) just isn't going to happen for this year. That said though, the summer has been a major success with me getting my tennis game back to the extent that I have. I thought that it was lost forever. And, weight aside, I'm fitter than I have been in years which of course has been facilitated by my quitting smoking.

My plan for the fall/winter is to get back to the pool and focus on swimming and maybe doing a few spinning classes. This will lead to an even higher level of fitness (when I was swimming last winter, my lungs would still have been full of smoke) and hopefully to some weight loss for the right reasons.

Something tells me that running a full marathon (never say never though) is not in the cards for my life however, I'm thinking that shorter distance stuff is absolutely dobale - maybe even a triathalon at some point??? There have been several world cup level triathalons on TV lately and each of them have featured segments on age group amateurs and I totally believe that I could compete amongst them.... not to win of course... but just to feel the excitement of participating. Though it's not a problem for today, bike training in downtown Toronto presents a major obstacle. Anway... a new week dawns.

Just keep moving on.....

ONLY YOU.... HAVE THE POWER WITHIN YOU....

2006-07-21T20:16:00.000-05:00

People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within. [Ramona L. Anderson]

Tommorrow, starting at 6:00 a.m., gay and lesbian athletes from around the world will be running the marathon at the www.chicago2006.org And, as you know, it was to diarize and digest the training for this race that I created this blog. Alas it was not meant to be. All things considered though, I think I'm doin just fine. Still, I'm a bit sad that I'm not in Chicago to participate in the Games; to experience once more the thrill that I experienced at the Games in New York in 1994.

Wow, where have the last 12 years gone?

It seems like only yesterday that I was sitting under a tree at the USTA National Tennis Centre in Flushing Meadow, New York (the site of the US Open) listening to the title track from the musical Starlight Express on my Sony Walkman (a cassette tape no less... imagine...) preparing to play in the Novice Men's Tennis for the bronze medal. Then as now, the lyrics are rich with meaning.

RUSTY YOUR'E BLIND, LOOK IN YOUR MIND, I'M THERE, NOTHING'S NEW....

And even though I lost, I played the match of my life.

Go figure. I've been living my life that way ever since.

Well, perhaps I'll run the marathon in 2010 in Cologne, Germany... or may just the 10K, or maybe the triathalon, or maybe I'll play tennis (over 45's division eeeeEEk).

If this were that kind of blog, this would be where I would tell you that I played 5 1/2 sets of tennis (doubles) last Sunday night, hit with my coach for an hour Tuesday morning, did yoga classes on Monday and Wednesday, and ran on the treadmill Sunday and Thursday. But it's not that kind of blog.

But if it were, it would be the place where I would tell you that I think I'm playing better tennis than I ever did (forget about being away from the sport for the better part of 10 years); that my yoga instructor complimented me on my practice and my flexibility; that I'm really developing some insight with respect to running through the negatives that we all face and that threaten to stop us dead in our tracks... but it's not.

OK, we get it, it's not that kind of blog however, I should tell you that I did really well with respect to food early in the week but fell .... hard.... into a vat of fish and chip grease and then to the influence of the evil Ben & Jerry's. I cannot believe that I paid $7.00 for an ice cream cone.

And oh yeah, one more thing.... Scott stop....

OK, OK alreay, hold your horses... just one more thing.....

JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, THE SEA WILL PART BEFORE YOU, STOP THE RAIN, TURN THE TIDE....

But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation.

2006-07-16T08:53:00.000-05:00

Sunday morning... July 16, 2006... 9:48 EST... I sit here in front of my computer having just finished my treadmill workout (my version of a long run), sitting on ice (literally), in an ocean of sweat (I hope that my apartment doesn't smell like a gym?) ..... and just as I was finishing, I became acutely aware that I was insufficiently grateful in yesterday's post.

Yeah, I know, I wrote some stuff that sounded like gratitude but the truth is, that wasn't what I was really feeling. I'm almost embarassed to admit to a level of vanity whereby a picture of my nearly 44 year-old self could cause such loathing.... get a grip my child....

Though I may truly despise the way I appear in the pic that I have posted for all the world to see, it strikes me as the truth this morning is that it doesn't matter. And if I keep reminding myself of that truth, then it will cease to be a burden.

What matters are the facts:

In July of 1997 I:

was at least 20 pounds heavier than I am now;
was sedentary, my muscles atrophied, unable to touch my toes;
smoked well over a pack of cigarettes a day;
was secretly locked up in my apartment trying to escape the pain of life through drugs;
alone... truly and desperately alone;
was unemployed and living on the good graces of my family (who as you know never stopped believing in me);
was without hope or faith; and not that I knew it at the time,
was at the start of a year during which time my Father and two cats all died.

And now....

I'm eating good, healthy, nutritious food about 80 - 90% of the time;
I'm losing weight (albeit not as quickly as I would like);
I've quit smoking cigarettes and my use of drugs are a distant memory, though I still drink in moderation;
I'm playing tennis, working out on my treadmill and doing yoga;
I've got a great job (yeah, ok its wickedly diffiicult and stressful) with a generous salary and perks;
I'm not anywhere near the ceiling of my potential earning capacity;
My Family as we currently exist truly love each and enjoy each other's company;
...... the list goes on....

You want to know what's important,

truly important,

when you look at the picture posted below:

look at the SMILE.

Indeed, a picture says a thousand words.

On Change

2006-07-15T17:29:00.000-05:00

Approach each new problem not with a view of finding what you hope will be there, but to get the truth, the realities that must be grappled with. You may not like what you find. In that case you are entitled to try to change it. But do not deceive yourself as to what you do find to be the facts of the situation.

Bernard M. Baruch US businessman & politician (1870 - 1965)

Well folks - ready or not - This is me.

All of me.

If only you knew just how much I hate posting this picture. Surely, I'm not that fat.... am I? How can it be that I look like this when I feel so thin... and when I'm otherwise soooooo HAPPY..... oh yeah, I forgot, the camera adds 10 lbs..... YUK!

Would somebody PLEASE pass the fucking gravy .....

But the point of doing so is .... that posting it is a statement about accepting myself just exactly as I am. This is me world. You all share your pictures with me and the world at large, so why shouldn't I? This is the only me that I am every going to be; at least physically. Time to deal Scott. Through it all, thick and thin (pun intended), it has been the battle with my weight that has on some level been the most difficult.... the most soul destroying.... food was the original cocaine... the most.... well nevermind. It is in the past. There is only the future.

But as the quotation above says... you are welcome to try to change it. Which is exactly what I'm trying to do. And though I'm making progress, some days are better than others. But honestly, this weight struggle is the like the holy fucking grail for me....

My problem is that I am WAY too self-indulgent. I am too often without discipline. I am a master at deceiving myself. Damnit, why can't I have my cake and eat it too?

Alas, bacon will never love me back.

Anyway such is my life. Notwithstanding, I'm playing awesome tennis, I'm progressing on the treadmill (not running much on the roads due to tennis), and I'm gaining flexibility daily at Yoga. And, not to sell myself short, I've managed to lose almost 10 pounds in the same years as quitting smoking.

What more could I ask for?

It's all GOOD!

Of course, you'll won't see another picture of me until I'm at least twenty pounds lighter....

My aren't we fancy.......

2006-07-07T20:43:00.000-05:00

GREAT BIG Thanks to Spence for my freaking amazing new header . Isn't it just about the coolest blog header you ever saw?

Now I just have to figure out how to edit my HTML to affect a few little tweaks here and there such that my actual blog is as styling as my header.

Hey Spence, the vids for you. Thanks again!

There's lots of good stuff to report but it will just have to wait. It's late and I have to get up early tomorrow morning for a treadmill workout and to watch the Wimbledon Ladies' Final.

Lovin you Amelie!

Oh yeah.... it's been 8 months since my last cigarette!

At the barricades of freedom....

2006-06-29T05:35:00.000-05:00

When I started writing this blog, I thought that I was going to be writing about my training to run a marathon (and though I haven't given up on that front), it was never my intent, nor did I ever dream that what I would end up writing about was the discovery of HAPPINESS.

However finding the words is not easy... the inspiration to write, elusive.

So, before getting into this post, I offer this caution: I frankly don't know how to articulate what I'm feeling these days and I fear that whatever I do write will come off way too esoteric or existential to have any meaning whatsoever to anyone else who might actually suffer through it? Afterall, there is nobody reading this blog (at least, so far as I know) who REALLY knows who I am, or the TRUE nature of the bag of hammers that has been mine to drag through this earthly life (though I have given clues), or the sweat and emotional blood that I have shed in my efforts to let them go.

Even saying that, I feel suspect because I know, as well as any of you, the relative nature of shitty lives. I know that my lot wasn't/isn't nearly as bad as that of so many others and that many would say Scott.... shut the fuck up and quit whining. I am, after all, a white male born of relative privilege in the great country of Canada. I can walk, I can see, I can hear. I wasn't beaten nor sexually abused as a child. And yeah - so what if my Father couldn't hug me and tell me that he loved me.... in the end, he stuck by me to his own detriment. Moreover, (thank God), I don't live in a country where the young are marched off to fight a senseless and unwinable war.

Just the same, what I do know is that relatively speaking, my bag of hammers was just too fucking heavy; that too many people that I loved died too young; that my heart was broken - no shattered too many times; that the lonlieness and the anger that I sometimes felt (feel?) very nearly destroyed me; that self-destruction through drugs and other addictive behaviours felt like the only way out; that society's soul destroying hatred and homophobia was/is inescapable (notwithstanding the serious legal rights that we have won in Canada including gay marriage).

That said, I need to at least try to write it down ... if only to put it out into the universe for the sake of God or something ... If only for me... (isn't blogging by it's very nature a tad self-indulgent?)

In any event, let it be recorded for the sake of history that in the summer 2006, I got IT. I discovered HAPPINESS. I revel in the TRUTH which is that not only have I survived but I have triumphed. I FUCKING WIN!

So there.

The tears I now cry are inspired by joy and not abject despair.

But before moving on and lest I leave you with the notion that I am delusional or that my life is anywhere near perfect... let me be absolutely clear, it's not...

What I'm really understanding and knowing these days ... maybe for the first ime in my life, is that it doesn't matter that I still have weight to lose. It doesn't matter that I'm experiencing the too rapid aging of my body. It doesn't matter that I've never found HIM. It doesn't matter that I don't own a house or have hundreds of thousands in savings. In this moment, it doesn't matter that I am driven almost to point of madness by the reality of war, gangs, guns.... you name it. For the purpose of this post and in the proper context, NONE OF IT MATTERS A WIT.

What DOES matter is that I am ALIVE. What does matter is that I didn't give up. What DOES matter is that I won't give up. What DOES matter is that I have discovered at the very core of my soul and being that I am ALL GOOD. What DOES matter is that I know the difference between where I begin and who I am from where I end and who I'm not. What DOES matter is that I understand that my emotions do not define me. What DOES matter is that I live the best way I know how; that I have given life my best.... that I have lived my guts out trying to be better... trying to overcome. What DOES matter is that I am FINALLY understanding how to let go of the need or desire for perfection.

The barricades of freedom have fallen. FOREVER.

From this perspective it seems that just about anything is POSSIBLE.

[Aside: Thank you David and Wendy. I owe you my life. Dad, I know. Mom, I'm sorry.]

ONE MORE DAWN.... ONE MORE DAY..... ONE DAY MORE!

*******

Best of Luck to Mark (ToastandStuff) and Katy (Ihatetoast) who are running the Gold Coast Marathon down under this weekend!

In case you were wondering....

2006-06-19T05:20:00.000-05:00

I spent hours this weekend thinking about and crafting my latest post. It was brilliant; It was pithy; and surely, it would have attracted glowing comments from around the world; It was a one-of-a-kind work or art....

But .... alas.... before I could publish it.... fucking Blogger crashed and when it went back up.... my beautiful post was toast....

Though I can't recreate it, it went something like this...

I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life

Well, you get the idea.

I apologize that my posts may be few and far between over the next month or so. I'm crazy busy at work and will be out of town next weekend... and again I think a couple of weekends after that.

BE WELL!

It's the start of PRIDE Week here in Toronto. The theme this year is FEARLESS. This is a picture of the mile long rainbow flag from the 1994 parade commemorating the 25th anniversary of the Stonewall Riots in New York City. It was one of the greatest summers of my life.

Perfect contentment....

2006-06-10T13:53:00.000-05:00

Saturday afternoon, June 10, 2006....

This is it, I can feel it.

Perfect contentment.

Peace of mind.

Happiness.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

No life isn't perfect. I still have my share of troubles and woe but AT THIS MOMENT, this exact moment, I am the best that I have ever been. This is who I have struggled to be my whole life - you see, today I realize that I am OK. EXACTLY as I am.

I win.

This feeling is what happens when you don't give up. This is what happens when you believe that things will get better. That you are more than what others will let you be.

This is my life.

Thanks be to God! Amen.

I'm back on track. It's been another good food week. I've had three really good treadmill workouts and I'm making gains in my yoga practice. This morning, I played tennis. I walked to and from work a couple of times this week. I've lost some weight. I'm eating really good healthy food (aside - OMG HOW GOOD ARE FRESH STRAWBERRIES...) and recording it all in FitDay.com.

My video this week features Bernadette Peters singing a song called "Unexpected Song" from one of the lesser known Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals, "Song & Dance". I first saw it some twenty years ago when I was living in London, England and just recently saw it again in Toronto.

I pray that you know of such love, though it has eluded me so far in this life. Though it is entirely possible now.

Wow, where has twenty years gone?

Now, I know that I can!

Cheese is the new cocaine...

2006-06-04T07:02:00.000-05:00

They say that admitting you have a problem is the first step, and to quote Beckett's existential mind fuck, Waiting for Godot, "there is nothing to be done".

Hi, my name is Scott and I'm addicted to cheese.

As such, it is unlikely that I will be able to report any weight loss for this week. Now don't get me wrong, this past week was, all in all, a pretty good week. Except for the cheese. And the unscheduled hot dog, and the two bottles of red wine..... oh, and I forgot about the cookies....

I remain undeterred. Another week dawns.

Food notes:

1. Although almonds (and other nuts) contain good fat, there is just not enough bang for the fat buck. Just 1 oz (22 almonds) has something stupid like 14 grams of fat.

2. I need to change up my salmon consumption with more turkey. I'm already getting my omega 3s from my eggs at breakfast and by doing so, I can further reduce fat grams.

3. I'm going to explore high fibre, low fat, dry cereal as a snack option in place of the almonds.

4. Apparently, I cannot have any kind of cheese in the house except for fresh ground parmesan that I won't eat as a snack food. I had to log a lot of unnecessary cheese calories last week.

5. Please God help me to avoid the cookies and Friday chips at the office this week. Eating this junk is nothing more than bad habit and unhealthy response to stress.

As for exercise, I've had another great week. I worked out twice on the treadmill, did two yoga classes, and I walked a total of 3.0 miles to and from work one day (due to a wildcat transit strike). Unfortuneatly neither my work schedule or the weather allowed for any tennis. I'm a little frustrated that I haven't had any chance to play since I was hitting so well during my vacation.

On Thursday, I went for my treatment with GOD who says I only need to come back every other week. My Visa card likes that idea, but I'm not sure that I do.

The yoga is great because it is getting me out of my office for a much needed lunchtime break. When I was a smoker, I was always in and out for my smoke breaks but since quitting, I'm in the office from the time I arrive until the time I leave.

My schedule this week is a bit frightening but with any luck, I'll be able to hold it all together and eat and workout according to plan.

Thanks to I-Tunes and YouTube and the like, I'm finding all kinds of music that reminds me of my past and causes me to want to trip down memory lane.... I would have been in my very early twenties (circa 1985) when "We're Not Going to Take It" by Twisted Sister was a big hit. I think the video is hilarious and I love working out to it. I think it reminds me of my youth when I had both the balls and the energy to stand up to speak truth to power. In retrospect though, I've come to understand that some of my anger was totally self-righteous and regretably, not used very effectively.

To date, I've found dozens of videos for such songs and I'm planning to use each one as a tool to get me into some writing about what was going on in my life when these songs were popular (remember Saturday Night by the Bay City Rollers?). Hopefully, I'll be able to share some of my insights, though some it will no doubt be too intimate for this space.

Shameless brag:

The view directly across the street from my office is not too shabby.

Even though I don't need to defend Toronto as one of the world's greatest cities (it is though....), we have been known as the only so called world-class city without a world-class Opera House.

Not any more. At a cost of $150 million dollars, The Four Seasons Centre for the Performing Arts officially opens this month and even though I'm not (yet?) an opera afficionado, it is pretty impressive.

Who says that I'm a drama queen?

2006-05-29T18:11:00.000-05:00

Life is good here in Toronto. However, for some reason, I'm just not feeling inspired to write about it.... because it all just feels, well, so normal and so boring. I wonder if it's true that I'm happier when I'm anticipating the end of the fucking world. Perhaps this is where good mental health leads you.

In the meantime, while I await some creative inspiration, I will tell you that my body is feeling great; I'm back on the treadmill; I've started going to lunchtime yoga classes (fuck me Ashtanga hurts... I think I'll stick to Vinyassa Flow). With any luck, I'll get in some social tennis later this week. Praise be for GODS's sooooooooooo very strong hands and for his abusive manipulations of my hips (OMG though, between you and me the treatments really hurt but I don't want to be a wuss in front of him by letting on that he's hurting me .... if what's his name from the L.A. Rams can take it, then so can I... yes sir, thank you sir, can I have another sir...)

I've once again started recording everything I eat at www.FitDay.com which is going as well as can be expected, though I'm totally not OK (I'm quite bitter actually) with the fact that a cheeseburger and fries has something in the neighbourhood of 1219 calories and 69 grams of fat (depending on size etc.). This is what I had to record for my Sunday dinner. Will I ever be able to go to a restaurant and order something healthy... probably not in this life. C'est la vie...

The good news on this front, is that I've lost the stupid pounds that I gained through sheer negligence and blatant piggery during my vacation.

Now if my body continues to co-operate and I don't have to record too many cheesburgers, I should be reporting consistent weight gain in the coming weeks. Oh yeah, I'm very competent at losing weight when the proper mood strikes.

I wonder if this time round I can keep it all together and get some traction without imagining crisis all around me where none exists; without sabotaging my hard earned success?

In the meantime, BE WELL!

P.S. I spent Saturday morning pressing re-dial trying to procure tickets to see Great Big Sea live. I finally got through and got tickets but a bit far from the stage for my liking.

And, if Valerie Harper (remember Rhoda?) ever comes to a city near you with her one woman show called Golda’s Balcony…. GO!

Back again, only different than before....

2006-05-22T18:55:00.000-05:00

If you want a taste of something really delicious, I recommend that you read TriSaraTops' post about pacing the Clevland Marathon and then IronBenny's tribute to his wife Nytro and the Hoyt's.

These two posts serve to remind me that any happiness that I can muster, is, in some measure, rooted in GRATITUDE and PERSPECTIVE. Both of which are concepts that I need to be reminded of often.

After reading TriSaraTops' post, I got to thinking about the train wreck that was my life several years ago in contrast to my current life situation vis-a-vis the fact that my body isn't exactly co-operating with my marathon dreams. Well, SO WHAT? I'm lucky that I'm even alive.

Having the right perspective allows me to remember, not what I can't do, but rather, what I can.

I can still walk and jog on the treadmill, it looks like I will be able to play at least some tennis this summer, I've found a great new chiropractor/accupressurist (aka GOD), and I can do yoga and core strengthening exercises (even if I find the latter boring beyond measure). It is all good.

Moreover, by simply staying focused on this reality, I can live a totally active life this summer which will, in my experience, lead to dramatic weight loss without a lot of hand wringing and gnashing of teeth (or being an asshole to the video/cable store clerk).

Who knows, maybe in 2009 when I'm running the Boston Marathon (as I have jokingly committed to do with Rae)I will be writing about how far I've come since the the spring/summer of 2006.

Speaking of perspective, I need only to remind myself that I have succeeded in quitting smoking. Surely, this bodes well for my marathon dreams.

What I can't quite get my head around though is how one hangs on to all of this good stuff when one is constantly challenged to be more, to do better....? And a question for therapy... how does all of this square with issues of perfectionism, ageing, the development of self-esteem?????

[Aside: On this note, if you have a moment, check out www.luckygreendress.com. From the home page, click on Y'All Merchandise icon to the left, then buy CD, then listen to the song Nothing More. The song is from the movie, Life In A Box which I saw on Sunday at the Toronto Gay and Lesbian Film Festival. I would expect though that the song will resonate with all men, gay or straight.]

The good news is that I'm getting there.

That said, can you imagine what the world would be like if more men could find the courage to express love with the kind of passion that Benny does..... I can.

Today's video is a great Canadian band from Newfoundland, Great Big Sea who I listened to a lot during my vacation.

What Goes Up, Must Come Down....

2006-05-20T16:33:00.000-05:00

I'm back to work. To quote the now famous Nytro, "work sucks big donkey balls".

And, I'm a great big fucking asshole. Let me explain.

Yesterday was one of THOSE days that came at the end of one of THOSE weeks. People lied to me, people were just plain mean to me, and, to rub salt in an already gaping, festering wound, I spent a good part of the day fighting with government bureaucrats who couldn't care less that my taxes pay their fucking salary. I don't care that they are, incompetent... it just galls me that they just don't care a whit about the public who rely on their services.

By day's end, I was POSTAL! Fit to be tied.

O.k. now, ready everyone in blogland, everyone in unison.....

aaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeee

Poor Scotty....

"Nobody loves him, everybody hates him, sitting in the garden eating worms".

So much for my the happy-go-lucky Scott in vacation mode.

One would think that having endured such a hateful day that perhaps, on the way home, I'd remember all the blessings of my life and my wonderful vacation, my loving family, and everything that I have generally to be thankful for.

Well, you'd be just plain wrong.

What did I do you ask? I acted like a complete jerk off in the cable/video store because I had to wait in line to replace the modem for my computer. Yeah... ME... God forbid that Scott had to wait in line. OH, the travesty.... the inhumanity...

Now the clerk is doing the best he can and not getting paid a lot of money for doing it and along comes King Fucking Scott with a bug up his considerable ass giving the clerk a hard time for making me wait so long.

Ooooohhhhhhh let me tell you, if I were in charge of the World things would be so much better.

Yah right, Scott, ya blowhard.

Then to make it worse, I got on the phone with the cable monopoly to whom I pay about $200 and beat up a call-centre clerk. Spent 1/2 hour on hold... hello.... waste of time.....

And the kicker is... I knew what I was doing. Today, I am ashamed. It is one thing to be an asshole without knowing that you're being one. And trust me, at this stage of my life, I knew I was being an asshole.

You see, many years ago, I had a job that required me to do a lot of travelling around the world (have I told this story??) and back, before I knew that I was being an asshole, there wasn't an airline in the world that I couldn't convince to bump me to first class as compensation for some imagined slight or grievance. I was a piece of work, trust me. I just thought that I deserved to be seated there... not that I ever paid for a first class ticket mind you... What an entitlement Queen I was...

Turns out, I was just deluded. Pity me that I lumbered under the impression that I got bumped because I was oh, so very fucking important. SO NOT. They bumped me because it was easier than putting up with my boorish bullshit.

But the best I could do yesterday... the big kids picked on me, so I picked on the smaller kids.

Memo to self: go to cable store and apologize to clerk.

Yeah work can sure suck sometimes but at least they pay me well (unlike the clerk in the cable/video store) and give out engraved I-Pods for Christmas. Could be worse Scott.

Take a pill.

Forget Your Troubles... C'mon Get Happy....

Contributing to my oh so cheery mood is the fact that I tried to start running again this week only to find that my injury (which actually turns out to be a whole host of problems, not the least of which is my weight.... whose got the lipo hose?) is still not healed.

Chiro GOD (who is still too hot for words) remains unconcerned. Again on Thursday, he promised that he could make me into a runner. But it is up to me. First, I have to lose weight. It would also seem that my fancy smancy Herman Miller $1,000+ chair that my considerable ass sits in at the office is so comfortable that it's bad for my back. I know it sounds weird but as he explained it, when you sit in such a chair, your core is completely disengaged and starts to atrophy and cramp.

Accordingly, GOD gave me a note asking permission for me to ditch it and sit on an exercise ball. I don't expect that this will go over well. In my favour, one of our partners already sits on one.

Anyway, on the food front, I'm happy to report that I have succeeded in getting back on track with my FitDay food recording and lost several pounds this week, though today has been no hell. Perhaps Saturday will be my treat day? Who's kidding who... I'm having pizza for supper.

In other news, I 'm feeling very sad for my Mother today, who lost a very close friend of hers to cancer on Thursday. I attended Peter's funeral this morning and almost lost it when one of his friends thanked my Mom for caring for him during the last year and a half of his life. Now, my Mom knew what she was getting into when she met him, and all of us kids worried when we saw her getting attached to this man who was terminally ill. We knew it was going to end like this but my Mom risked love anyway. I wish I could do that.

Forget your troubles, C'mon... get happy...

Defying Gravity....

2006-05-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

Truly, I tell you, this vacation has been one the best vacations EVER! For this, I AM grateful beyond words.

I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, reborn. I feel completely ready to return to work and to pick up the challenges of my professional life anew, to attack my food/weight issues; to run, and to play tennis.

I feel like I AM a totally different man; more ready than ever to discard the baggage that I no longer need on this voyage, once and for all.

I AM ready.

I AM going to defy gravity.

But in order to do so, I need to continue to dig deep; to have the courage to share of myself and to be brutally honest - even when it's difficult to do so. Though it is sometimes difficult beyond words, I believe with all of my heart, in the power that comes from the examined life. I need to be clear though, that to the extent I achieve this, I AM not writing it down in this space to be provocative or dramatic. Rather, I AM writing it down in an effort to make it more difficult for me to deceive myself. I've been told that it is impossible to lie to yourself in writing (try it sometime). That said, I always hope that I might inspire someone else's journey as I AM so often inpsired by yours.

In any event, now that I have been touched (am being touched...) by the hand of GOD (Thanks to Donald for this cute turn of phrase), I expect to be in a position to write more about training issues and my attempts to lose weight. To Nytro and Spence.... I feel your pain.

In closing, I thank all of you elite athletes out there who take the time to read this post and I hope that you will continue to do so, and to share my journey as I share yours.

SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME
LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY
AS SOMEONE TOLD ME LATELY:
"EV'RYONE DESERVES THE CHANCE TO FLY"

from Wicked

Perhaps Angel's death wasn't in vain?

2006-05-11T15:56:00.001-05:00

Hey all.

The end of my vacation is nigh.

Sigh!

1. I saw RENT (again...) last night. The video on the sidebar is the show stopping end of Act I. It would appear to be the exact production that is currently playing in Toronto, and although I can't really tell from the video, I think that some of the actors are the same.

I cried.... again.

But somehow, this time... it was different? When I saw the live show the first time (almost ten years ago) it was with a more traditional theatre going crowd. Last night however, the audience was filled with screaming teenage Rent Heads (who knew?); who are kids that have adopted the show, and if My Space and/or You Tube are any indication, they will keep it alive and well forever.

LA VIE BOHEME!

The energy of the audience just made my heart swell. Best of all, I was sitting beside the mother of a 16 year old who, though she knew every word of every song, was seeing the show for the very first time. The mother told me that her daughter was an aspiring actress who wanted to play the part of Maureen someday. Of course, they were both in tears from the first note of Act II. Such are the moments of life to be treasured.

In the show, Rogers sings that, "Angel's death WAS in vain." Perhaps not.

Yet again, it is a reminder that for having survived, it is for me to LIVE!

2. This morning, I was back on the court with Scott (the pro), and like WOW... didn't I just hit out of my freaking head. I was in some kind of a zone, hitting balls for winners that Scott couldn't even get back.

Although I am feeling physically better than I have in months, the best part of all of this is emotional/mental. As the result of my recurring injuries, I was succeeding in convincing myself that I was finished. Old. Tired. Dead. It would seem that this is not true. See #3.

3. After my hit, I had my third appointment with GOD. I have no idea why this guy has any interest in seeing me... given that his conversation with his assistant today concerned the booking of his flights to L.A. this weekend to treat one of the L.A. Rams. He told me the said player's name (I don't follow football but apparently he is totally famous) but perhaps it's best that I don't publish it here.

Anyway, please GOD (the real one) let this be for real.

Better yet... I have been given the green light to run. However, to start back, I am only allowed to run for one minute intervals until I report back next week.

4. Seriously, this vaction has been a PR! Yesterday, I had another yoga/massage. [memo: check out K.D. Lang singing a song entitled Halleluja]

5. Tonight, the theatre again: Andrew Lloyd Webber's Song and Dance. I saw the show years ago, in London, England, and I'm very excited to be seeing it again.
http://www.reallyuseful.com/rug/shows/song/music/music%20clip/TellMeOnASunday.mp3

6. This weekend, I'm off to the Sandbanks to see my family, although my Mom isn't going to be around for Mother's Day as she has to go out of town for a funeral (sucks for her!).

Anyway, lest you think my life to be perfect, there is torrential rain in the forecast for 3 days straight.

Happy Mother's Day!

Vacation - Week 2 - Acceptance

2006-05-09T05:08:00.000-05:00

6 MONTHS*

*as of May 7, 2006
*************************************************************************************

This is turning out to be the bestest vacation ever..........

1. By all accounts, the dinner party on Saturday night went really well. It certainly seemed like everyone had a good time (though out of sheer boredom, my 7 year old niece washed the dishes as an activity). Sadly, I will not be the recipient of any Uncle of the year awards.

The menu looked something like this:

*ceasar salad;
*sorel and chive soup;
*prime rib, baked potatoes and baked asparagus with asiago cheese and chives for the carnivores;
*spaghetti with tomato sauce for the vegetarian and child; and

*maple mousse with carmelized pine nuts for dessert.

I drank way too much red wine.

The next morning, I tried to make it to church however, I had to abhort due to the closure of one of our major streets (with no viable alternative route) for the Sporting Life 10k. This made me feel like a piece of shit, given that I had planned to run this race before my injuries re-surfaced in January.

2. On Saturday morning, while out shopping for flowers, I ran into a friend ("A") with whom I had lost touch and made plans to have dinner with him on Sunday to play catch up. Confession: Shallow though it may be (I admit it here), I wanted to show off all the interior decorating that I have had done in my apartment since "A" was last here (gay men can sometimes be quite tiresome in this regard). So for me, it was dinner party x2 nights. I'm not sure how I feel about reconnecting with "A", though this is a topic that will have to be explored another time.

Again, I drank way too much red wine. To make matters worse, we proceeded to a martini bar where we drank some more.

Memo to self: Enough.

3. Not good. I showed up yesterday morning to hit with Scott suffering with a blinding red wine hangover. Despite it though, I was striking the ball as if I hadn't been away from the sport for several years. Despite the lack of conditioning and my right quad thing, I'm hitting better than I expected however, that said, I just simply cannot get to some balls that I would have gotten ten years ago.

I am not happy about this at all. Hence the title of this post and an emerging theme of this vacation.

4. I had my second appointment with God this morning. No sight of assistant or Hunky Student. Just God; working on about 6 of us at the same time. He says there is nothing wrong with me that can't be fixed though I have to lose weight and do the core stengthening exercises. It is just unbelievable the range of motion that I have post treatment.

Memo to Self: Just do it already.

5. I have spent the last two days starkers on the so called 'clothing optional beach'. Now, if you knew me, you would be thinking - yeah right, like Scott's going to take his clothes off in public... So not.

But I did, damnit.

I have made a decision.

From this day forward in my life, I have decided that I am not going to be ashamed of the body that God gave me (the real God, not chiro God).

If you'll forgive the turn of phrase - this is fucking huge!

ACCEPTANCE.

Now, you might think that some great leap has been taken here that has not been explained. You're probably right. It is just that it is too big for words. You see, I am a big big believer in the concept that LIFE IS EXACTLY AS IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT NOW. So, this means that everything that I am dealing with is for a reason and from which I will learn and grow.

I could be so wrong, but by way of conclusion, I believe that I am going through some kind of trial by fire at the moment (stressful work situation; quitting smoking; injuries; weight issues; etc. etc.) and that I have to find ACCEPTANCE on a number of levels before I can move on.

In my past, I have been guilty of the "when I am this, that, or the other... I will be happy" syndrome. To wit, throughout my twenties, I held on to my childhood shit about being fat which was, at that time, anything but the truth. Now at the age of 43, I look back and realize the extent to which the best of those years were wasted by my wishing and hoping for that beautiful sculpted and ripped body that was never mine to achieve in the first place. I know now that searching for perfection is a one-way ticket to misery.

So fast forward - I have decided that I want to live (memo: rent the Susan Hayward movie, "I Want To Live") while I am pursuing a healthier weight and level of fitness. I do not want to look back on my fourties when I am sixty, only to realize that I made the same mistake as when I was in my twenties.

I have decided. So there!

I have seen the face of God!

2006-05-04T18:13:00.000-05:00

He is my new chiropractor who, henceforth, will be referred to as God! And, might I add, not only for his chiropractic skills... if you get my drift. More on this later.

Where to start? So much to tell, at 5:05 a.m. EST, and it's only just the start of day 4 of my vacation....

1. Tennis:

I hit with Scott, the head pro at the club that I am considering joining (it's a bit weird that we have the same name) on Tuesday and Thursday morning. All things considered, it went much better than expected, and though I was a step (or two... ok three damnit...) slow and definately favouring my right quad, I hit some damn fine balls. Who knows, maybe this tired, battered, old body has some game left in it after all? And, though I am stiff as a board this morning, I'm not feeling 'injured' (thanks be to God).

As it turns out, I did recognize Scott from past tennis adventures who, besides being a tennis pro, is also a marathon runner. Coincidence? Not a chance. Moreover, it is Scott who referred me to God.

2. ART and God:

In the context of explaining my tennis goals to Scott, it was necessary for me to tell him the very sad tale of my injury prone, wannabe marathon runner's life. Bless him, he didn't laugh once and seemed to take me quite seriously. I asked him if he knew anyone who might be able to shed some fresh light on my physical ailments as I wasn't feeling particularly confident that my present physiotherapist really had a grasp on it. (I admit here to my own negligence in not doing my core strengthening exercises) . In reply, after telling me that his favourite physio guy had just left the city, he recalled how God had previously performed a diagnostic miracle on his wife (a personal trainer at the club) and promised to get me a phone number after our hit.

As soon as I got home, I called to make an appointment with God for 12:00 noon on Thursday (yesterday). I was however, told by an assistant that if I didn't show up until 12:15 p.m. that would be fine as God runs perpetually late. Given that I have a thing about being late for anything, against the advice I was give, I showed up on time. I sat there until 12:30 p.m.

At 12:30 I was greeting by two guys whose names I totally missed because I was stupefied by their physical beauty. What I did get, was that neither of them were actually God. I know it is wrong to drool over medical professionals... but what can I say. The one guy introduced himself as God's assistant and referred to the other as a student and he asked if I had any issues with that. I wanted to say that I would feel better if the student took all of his clothes off ... "No, of course not I replied."

So, feeling totally old, ugly and too physically inadequate to live in their presence, I gave my history to the assistant with the hunky student observing. I'm then asked to change into my shorts to prepare for God's arrival on the scene. Shorts? What shorts? It never occured to me that I would need shorts to see a chiropractor.... I thought that I was doing well, having remembered to wear decent underwear (probably TMI, but I prefer commando whenever possible). In response, the hunky student volunteers to get me a pair of paper shorts... that's right folks... paper shorts. I wanted to die.

[Memo to self - pitch this story as the plot line for a cheesy porn flick....]

By this point, it is approaching 1:00 p.m. and I've changed into the said paper shorts, dreading the return of the assistant and the hunky student. I hadn't yet laid my eyes on God.

Then, HE entered.

I was speechless. Utterly.

"Hi, I'm Mike he says."

OK, just not fair. I swear, he renders Brad Pitt into the category of merely ordinary. And, he totally strikes me as being that ever so rare type of heterosexual (nothing uber nor metro about them) man that are so comfortable with their sexuality that it would simply never occur to them to be threatened by a gay man.

But lest you think me shallow, it is not for this reason that I refer to Mike as God.

To make a longish story shorter, he read my history and then proceeded to dig his thumb into my groin (he laughed as I tried to stifle my scream in response to the pain) while the hunky student was instructed to bend and stretch my right leg. I hear him telling the hunky student that as the result of his experience, he can make an educated guess at a diagnosis just from the history of the patient.

Apparently, he can. After he stopped pressing his thumb into my groin, he lifted my right leg and demonstrated that once again, I had almost full mobility with next to no pain. This is why I refer to him as God.

By this point it is well after 1:00 p.m. I note that our treatment is interrupted several times to allow him to answer this Blackberry in an attempt to set up a treatment with one of the Toronto Blue Jays who he refers to as... are you ready for this ... Dude ...

Finally, God tells me that I need to book two follow-up appointments for each of the next two weeks. When I tell the assistant this for booking purposes, she laughed. Laughed. Then with a very straight face she told me that I could only have one; in a tone of voice suggesting that only if I were one of the Blue Jays, might I get two appointments. Finally, she allowed that she could fit me in on Tuesday between the two others that she had already squeezed in between two others...... My appointment is officially 11:50 a.m. I have been instructed to bring a book.

3. Yoga Massage:

Fuck me, Toronto has over 4 million people. The gay rag lists as many as 20 registered massage therapists. Could I find even one who would even answer the telephone much less have any short notice availability. Please. Now you've got to know that due to my very stressed out work life, I am walking around with my shoulders scrunched up to me ears....

So, I called on this highly recommended guy who has advertised for years and, though not an RMT, claims some form of certification (this is the advertising category between RMT and erotic butt work ... don't ask....). At first, I could only get his voice mail but at least he called me back. He said he only had one appointment available for the entire week which I booked. He practices something that he calls yoga massage.

Now, I have had deep tissue massage before and I have been stretched out by the best... but I have never been stretched out during, and as part of, a deep deep deep tissue massage. This guy was practically on top of me, pulling and pushing and kneading.

Very quietly and calmly, he encouraged me to breathe deep and to let out sound on the exhale .... he asked me to trust in his hands and really feel 'the work'... allow the stress to be released from your body, he whispered ... well, I don't mind telling you that I was moaning and very nearly in tears by the end of it but OMG, it felt good. I booked the one and only appointment he had left for next week.

So, life is good. I attended the ballet on Wednesday night (Romeo and Juliet) and today is a dear friend's birthday. As soon as I finish with this post (which has taken far too long to write) I will need to start fretting about my dinner party tomorrow night. Apparently, post Easter one cannot buy a spiral cut ham-on-the-bone in the city of Toronto. What, am I supposed to go out and kill a pig myself?

Anyway, I have to end the post here. More next week.

Have a great weekend everyone!

FREEDOM

2006-05-01T16:25:00.000-05:00

HOLIDAYS!
(God knows I need it. I am stressed out, burnt out, flamed out, and just generally freaking cranky.....)

2 WHOLE WEEKS!
(I haven't had more than 1 week at a stretch for close to 5 years....)

SUMMER HAS ARRIVED IN TORONTO !
(But not yet, the smog....)

LIFE IS GOOD!
(Or at least I'm going to pretend for the next two weeks....)

So whatever will I do?

Play tennis (quads willing);
Read last 6 issues of Vanity Fair sitting on my coffee table;
Drink some really nice red wine;
Dinner party for 8 next Saturday;
Symposium at my Church next weekend;
Touring production of Rent next week;
Canadian Premiere of ALW's Song and Dance;
Guest lecture on Jung and such;
Go to the beach;
Walk;
Meditate;
Loll about on a sidewalk cafe pretending I'm in Paris;
Go to the Sandbanks (the lake) to visit my Sister and Brother-In-Law;

**CELEBRATE 6 MONTHS AS A NON-SMOKER**

What I will try not to do?

Eat too much;
Drink too much really nice red wine;
Complain;
Read my e-mail;
Go into the office;
Obsess about files blowing up;

These are some stock photos of Toronto. The one older, historical looking building (after Life is Good) is Osgoode Hall, home of our Court of Appeal. This building is kitty corner from my office which is featured in the picture of the statue (you can just the see the corner of my building in the right hand side of the picture). Toronto's new Opera Hall is directly across the street from where I work in the other direction but I couldn't find a picture. The rest, are a couple of Toronto's many landmarks and the Toronto Islands where we go to the beach. The night view is from atop the CN Tower looking out over Lake Ontario... the Island is just to the left of the photo.

If I could turn back time...

2006-04-30T14:24:00.000-05:00

Georgeous isn't he....

I want a new left quad.

I haven't even tried to work out since the middle of last week, hoping against hope that my left quad will stop hurting and I will be able to hit with the pro I've hired to try to find my misplaced tennis game during my vacation. That said, I really must be some kind of masochist. I haven't swung a damn racket in two years and I'm going to step onto a court with a pro on Tuesday? How do you spell embarassment? OMG, the visions in my head of errant balls spraying from here to the moon and... well, best not to even think about serving. Worse, this pro apparently knows me from years ago when I was directing tennis tournaments (which is a story for another day). Not too much pressure.

GAME, SET, & MATCH!

Anyway, in a continuation of Friday night's mischief with respect to TriSaraTops, I will now tell you why I have posted a picture of Jean-Claude Van Damme on my blog:

Ready... I was once told that I looked like him at a tennis tournament in Chicago. PLEASE.

Now IF in my misspent youth, I wasn't so difficult to look at, I was assuredly no Jean-Claude Van Damme... and if I was.... damn, I should have gotten laid a whole lot more than I ever did.... Some years later, a lesbian that I bowled with, told me that I looked like Skip Sudduth from Third Watch. I don't see it but hey....

Henceforth, as the inspiration strikes, I may take Rae up and match other RBFers photos to their celebrity counterparts. This, of course, will not be an exact science.

FINALLY,

Depending on what happens with tennis, I am going to lay off the running for a few weeks until the Running Room 5k clinic starts. They do a 10x1 run/walk thing which is totally fine by me (shut up already those of you who think this is not running). With any luck, I'll be able to do the Pride and Rembembrance 5K which takes place the Saturday morning of Pride Weekend here in Toronto.

After that, and depending on how the dust settles with my job, I'm going to get myself a coach. Why not? I always had a tennis coach. With any luck, I'll be able to afford to work with a person who will be able to understand how I tick and what I'm up against emotionally/physically in fulfilling my dream to run a marathon.

Have a great week all!

Beth Huffstodt from the HBO show Huff....

2006-04-28T20:28:00.000-05:00

This post will make no sense if you do not follow TriSaraTops blog.

Paget Brewster as Beth Huffstodt....

but for the hairstyle ...... TriSaraTops

You be the judge....

With apologies to Sara and her family. Just a little friendly mischief from T.O. on a Friday night. (further apologies... the first and last time that one of Madge's videos will ever appear on this blog...)

Ever feel like you'r life's a DVD and somebody pushed fast forward?

2006-04-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

Random CRAZINESS from the life of ScOtT:

*******I'm currently feeling like fucking Judy the Time Life operator: to wit, my work phone number inadvertently got published in an article that appeared in a story on the front page of the Toronto Star, Metro, local TV and radio, resulting in 400 + phone calls and e-mails that all have to be answered before I go on holidays....

*******Somehow, I've found myself on a campaign committee doing volunteer work for a man who is running for the federal Liberals (Democratish in US political terms) and who could very well be the next Prime Minister... Not sure why I got myself into this other than the fact that I really admire this guy's politics....

*******Not only did the firm I work for give us I-Pod bling for X-mas, today, they gave us a docking station freaking clock radio for administrative professionals day.... It's not that I not overwhelmed by the partners' generosity... it's just that I'd be happier if certain lawyers didn't treat me like something lower than a used condom.... most law firms give out travel bags with the firm logo... needless to say I'd already bought myself one at X-mas so mine has been donated as a door prize to a worthwhile charity. I feel good about that at least....

********My tennis trip to Hilton Head is cancelled. I simply couldn't count on my body cooperating in a way that would allow me to play enough tennis to make the trip worthwhile... so I'm going to hire a pro here and hit during my two weeks off .... that is, if I actually manage to get two weeks off....

*******Yesterday's crisis was all about the 14 Nanaimo Bars that I ate that somebody thoughtfully put out in our kitchen at work at about 10:00 a.m. yesterday morning....

*******This morning, it was all about the freaking bacon and home fries at the appreciation breakfast for us apparently not fat enough administrative professionals (in our firm, administrative professional includes everybody less than a partner)... I am quite literally sweating fat... They don't get that some of us see food and eat it.... I wonder if I could sue?

*******Naturally, I ate a really healthy dinner. Not. Cheeseburgers.

*******I was stuck in my office for more than 12 hours on Monday... then the second I fell into bed, dead tired, I started obsessing about literally everything that is life... I got about 2 hours of sleep...

*******My left quad killed during my workout this morning... I managed a whole 1.7 miles...

*******I have spent over $100 bucks (all unbillable) in taxis this week - too much of a princess to take the subway with all the other harried runners in the rat race...

*******I spent two hours trying to find the perfect song to put onto my blog that matched my mood... I don't know if I succeeded, but Axel Rose is hot... and it's been way too long since I've gotten any... whatever happened to Axel Rose?

*******This probably accounts, in part, for my bitchy mood...

It's 9:52 p.m. - if I had my priorities together, I would be long asleep in preparation for tomorrow's planned workout; instead, I sit her taking my frustration out on my keyboard with a generous glass of red wine (a pail actually)... I wonder if I should have another?

OK ENOUGH OF THAT...

Thanks to all with respect to the comments on my last post. Yes, I know it was dark but I am all about living the examined life. In my opinion, it is the only way. It is the very reason for my survival. Sometimes to my detriment, I am a very serious and intense guy.... if only I could direct it towards my running instead of other less healthy pursuits like thinking.... I try to take the edge off with sarcasm and self-deprecation, a strategy which I am starting to believe fails me....

I often think that I should do stand-up but I worry I'm not nearly thick skinned enough to survive the inevitable bombed jokes... did you hear the one about that guy Scott who's trying to get his act together to train for a marathon.... har har har....

With respect to the treadmill... I really really hope to start running outdoors next week during my holidays. I am thinking about joining a local 5k running group through the Running Room at the end of May which is where I first got into running. Recall though that it is running outdoors where my injury problems started (two years ago when I very nearly made it into a 10k race)

Reality check - it's not going to happen until I get my act together around food. Shit about Father's and life's craziness aside, it is not very likely that my body will take the stress of running until I've lost the 40ish lbs that I need to lose. Buth then, I'm back once more to the fact that I have just quit a hard core cigarette habit and need to be a little bit reasonable with respect to what I can do all at once. After all, Rome was not built in a day.

Gotta go....

Deep, deep into the heart of Scott - Caution!

2006-04-22T17:06:00.000-05:00

WARNING: Even as I set out to write this post, I know that it is going to be grossly self-indulgent (even for me), as I suppose blogging is (at least on some level?) by definition. Thank you in advance if you choose to read it. For what it's worth, I hope, at least (fingers crossed here), to connect it to my training and my NEED to run.

Here goes....

I had a very troubled relationship with my Dad who passed away suddenly almost 9 years ago. (please, no need for consolation comments - I have grieved fully and well). He, like all of us, had his share of troubles during his lifetime; no doubt, the least of which was being a simple farmer trying to figure out how to raise a gay son. It couldn't have been easy in those days, long before shows like Will and Grace. Compared to today, it was the Dark Ages. He tried, and tried, and, then he tried some more. In the end, I realize now, he gave me the very best he had. While he might have failed in some respects, it certainly wasn't for lack of trying. The real truth is, that if I have any good qualities, I got them from him. Thanks Dad!

The saddest thing about my relationship with him though, is that I didn't (couldn't ?) really start to live my own life until after he died. In the years since his death, I have risen (some of which I have shared) to great heights from the depths of the lowest fucking despair. The present notwithstanding, you all simply have to believe me that at my gut core, I am a really, really content and mostly happy man (and earnest, and intense, and fearful, and self-doubting... blah... blah... blah... even my therapist gets bored). Go figure.

In his wisdom, he thought he was doing right by pushing me. He thought you made a boy into a man by being tough. He pushed and pushed.... and I tried and tried... though nothing ever seemed to ever be good enough for him. Tragically, I grew up believing that he didn't love me... that he was too hard on me. Even more tragically, I was WRONG. He did love me - he just couldn't show it.

And here's the point of this... for reasons that perhaps I can't really articulate or explain here... he used to call me a quitter. A QUITTER. On some level he was right - but without any understanding of the reasons. And how could he understand? How could he possibly understand how awful it was for me to be teased by my eighth grade gym teacher who teased me about my weight and who called me "his all-around friend". How could he possibly understand the cruelty of the other boys who used to call me fag? How could he possibly understand the feelings that I didn't even understand? To him, I was just a quitter who didn't want to take gym and who cried until I got out of it. But oh how I hated him every time he said it.

Do you see where this is going??

So... fast forward.... for my entire adult life, I have struggled with my weight (and drugs, and working too much and gambling and.... and.... pick an addiction, any addiction) and to be the athlete that I never was as a child. Though the story wass officially retired, I am going to tell it again here, my peewee hockey coach used to hit me with a stick for being off-side - trouble was, nobody ever explained to me what that meant.... you get the drift....

In my twenties though (after losing 100 lbs), I had it going pretty good with the aerobics thing. I could keep up with the best of em in step class doing pirouettes and the like over steps stacked three high... Jane freaking Fonda had nothing on me. I'm quite sure I was simply precious (I take some credit for starting the trend of men wearing spandex in Toronto).

In my thirties, I had the tennis thing going. Now, in my fourties, I'm trying to get it together to run a marathon.

So where is all this coming from? This morning on the treadmill, I was running along and, for the first time in a long time, I started to find the run... I started to really fly and I was without pain. But, seemingly, for no reason... other than perhaps boredom on the treadmill, I just wanted to quit... and here is where I find myself at the juncture of figuring myself out as an ageing wannabe runner. How prey tell will I ever last 4 ish hours (I want to write 3 ish but let's try to be somewhat realistic here) to complete a marathon if I can't keep my mind from fucking with me for an hour?

It totally has everything to do with my my thoughts of quitting my job. On some level, as hateful as my current environment is, there is a really good argument to be made for sticking it out.... but that's for another day.

I am somewhat lost for an appropriate finish to this post. I know perfectly well that all of this has something to do with my not believing that I can do it. Is it the voice of my Father calling me a quitter? Why can't I finally let go of these heavy emotional chains...

So... once again.... this is where I am today. This is who I am today - scouring the insides of my soul with an SOS pad.

Can you just imagine me the day I actually do finish MY marathon! And I will!

LAW CLERK FOR HIRE....

2006-04-18T18:52:00.000-05:00

First off congrats to both Elizabeth, Jeff and all the other RBFers who ran the Boston Marathon yesterday. I have no idea whether or not I will ever run MY marathon but if I do, it will be inspired by your successes, through which I live vicariously.

I had a wonderful Easter weekend with my Sis Wendy and Brother-In-Law David at the lake near Picton, ON. Perahps too much wine, perhaps too much food but definately lots of love and support. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I owe them both so much. I also got to visit briefly on Sunday with my Mom and my little Sis Carolyn and her Family.

Now with the Lord risen and the Angel of Death safely passed by, can we pray for the resurrection of Scott's sorry ass career?

I am utterly frustrated by the whole mess and worse, I'm driving myself crazy composing the perfect fuck you resignation letter in my head which I know that I absolutely cannot send. OMG I just so badly want to do a Norma Rae and tell the lot of them to KISS MY CONSIDERABLE ASS! Trust me, the performance would be Oscar worthy!

Or, I could do Fantine from Les Miserable who, just before she dies on stage, sings, "I had a dream that my life would be something other than this Hell I'm living..."

Anyway, enough of that nonsense. The miracle in all of this is that not only have I not smoked (23 weeks on Monday), I don't even remotely feel like I'm in danger of doing so. This is progress for me and I own it as such.

And more good news before signing off: I had the best workout on the treadmill last Fridy that I've had in a long time - 4 strong, pain free miles (though my back was grabby all day afterwards). And after taking the weekend off and suffering through a sleepless night last night, I did a respectable 3 mile workout this morning. 4 miles on the sched. for Wednesday and Thursday.

Like icing on the cake, I walked home from the office both yesterday and today which (coming home) is about 1.75 miles on a gradual uphill rise from Lake Ontario.

MY BEST WISHES TO ALL FOR BOSTON....

2006-04-11T18:13:00.000-05:00

Even though it's almost a week away I want to send my very best wishes to Elizabeth, Jeff, and all the rest of you are are getting ready to run Boston on Monday. I'm leaving town on Friday for the Easter weekend so I it's unlikely that I will be able to post again beforehand.

Anyway.... I did 4 miles on the treadmill this morning (2 x 1mi; 1 x .5mi; with other .2-.3mi bits here and there mixed with some brisk walking) and once I was warmed up, I worked out virtually pain free. Although I am thrilled that the run was physically pain free and my lungs felt strong, I struggled on other levels until about the 3.5 mi mark by which point I was really starting to groove. However, I was worried about re-injury so I forced myself to stop.

The run was that much harder due to the fact that throughout my warmup, I was obsessing about my job which took a disastrous turn for the worst yesterday. Hence, I have finally decided that it is time to leave. All I can say is that I am thanking God for being able to run through this fucking mess of a situation; it is just so messsy and unseemly that without working out I would be rendered certifiable in no time...... ugh! It never ceases to amaze me the capacity that some people have to be cruel to others; to betray others; to tell outright lies without compunction; and to abuse their positions of power and authority.....

OH WELL - THEY WILL GET THEIRS. It's not for me to condemn them.

Trust me, I know. I have made one or two pretty horrific, career limiting mistakes during the course of my professional life.

Perhaps it's fitting that all of this is happening during Holy Week; I am trying to focus on what I know to be true - that I will emerge even stronger for this present strife and better off than I am now, if I can just believe in myself and take the high road out.

Anyway, I digress. The better news is that I felt no pain after my cool down and had no pain during the day.

Thanks to all for your input with respect to my injury(ies?). At the moment, I'm leading toward the notion that this particular injury is something I can run through (at least on the treadmill) at shorter distances while I push forward with my weight loss goals. I'll see how this squares with playing some tennis over the summer. I've decided thought, that for the time being, it is too much to manage the swimming as much as it looked like a starter just a few weeks ago. I can always pick it back up in the Fall if the running isn't happening.

For those celebrating Easter this weekend - I send you my blessings.

GO BENNY....

2006-04-08T09:49:00.000-05:00

It's currently 7:27 p.m. here in Toronto - 4:27 p.m. in Tempe, Arizona. Nytro has just updated the blog - Benny is at the 5 mile point of the run with some cramping. I'm seriously trying to send him energy.....

Anyway, I need some input from all you elites and experienced runners out there. Many of you know that I've been struggling with nagging injury issues lately, however, I've discovered that when I get really warmed up that my right hip/groin/butt stops hurting? What I don't know is... how do I really know if I have the kind of injury that I should be trying to run/stretch through... or, if it's the kind of injury that I shouldn't be running on at all? Of course, I want the answer to be the former. I just don't know anymore. I kinda remember somebody telling me once that if only one leg hurts that it is probably not good pain?

If the answer is that I should run through it, then I can report that I had a really good treadmill workout both yesterday and this morning. I did 3.75 miles of mostly jogging/running. I can really feel the difference in my lung capacity since giving up smoking. If I should be running through it, then doing 5 km races through the summer is completely doable - then who knows maybe a marathon by the end of next year?

But I just feel like I have so far to go.... the weight to lose, my aging body, the core training to figure out, the miles to log. Then I start asking myself all over again: why Scott do you need to put yourself through it all? what exactly do you hope to gain?

Then I read all these inspirational blogs which connect me to something of which I am quite certain; that on some very very deep level that I will only fully and finally discover the true and complete essence of who I am through continued perseverence and training. In the end, the length of the race won't matter in the least.

Which bring me back once again to the Soundtrack from Rent which I was listening to this morning during my workout. A couple of minor characters in an AIDS support group sing the following exchange:

How do you feel today?

Best I've felt all year -

Then why choose fear?

Because fear's my life.

And there you have it folks. The unvarnished and ugly truth of Scott. I am afraid of it. Pathologically so. Even from this vantage point of living my guts out and being happier than I ever dreamt was possible - I am still afraid - no terrified - of success; afraid of coming out from behind this layer of fat that I have used my entire life as a shield to hide behind and to keep people at a distance.

I'm really not at all sure how all of this is coming together. It might just all seem like incoherent babbling. What I do know, is that I am in a place of change and growth and it is not always so clear what one thing has to do with another... self-esteem, fear, losing weight, training....

I think I'll leave it here for tonight. Have a great week all.

"Shut up and fucking run"

2006-04-05T18:43:00.000-05:00

Fuck me! I woke up this morning with the intent of going for my planned swim (that I skipped on Sunday due to being too drunk to even consider being disorderly) however, when I looked out the window, I discovered that it had snowed. And, to make matters still worse, it was still totally dark as the result of the time change last weekend. So naturally I just sucked it up and went ahead with my plan. So not!

Instead, I went straight back to bed and got all sucky and started feeling sorry for myself. (So there!) When that got boring, I tried getting up once again hoping for a better result. Nope.

This time, I poured myself a cup of coffee, took one sip, looked out the window once more, and concluded that not only had it snowed overnight, but that it was too freakin cold to go swimming (You'd think I was planning to swim outdoors for Godsakes!). So, always the one to make lemonade out of fucking lemons.... I poured the coffee back into the pot and yet again allowed my considerable ass to take its comfort wrapped in my very warm down comforter atop my very comfy bed.

(laugh here folks.... remember, I share this crap because it forces me to take myself less seriously) Then, I did the whole thing once more still. This time after weighing myself and concluding that I was too fat to live much less run.

So do you get the point? Do you feel my misery? Finally, after a time, I got up and started to read blogs. At this point, it was getting too late to go to the Y so I decided that I would workout on the treadmill. This seemed like a suitable compromise and besides, I was anxious to test whether my pain free workout of yesterday would continue into today. So, coffee in hand, I sat at my computer to read a few blogs.

I swear, this is the first thing I read - courtesy of Duncan.... "Shut up and fucking run." Then I read about Benny leaving for his Ironman in Arizona this weekend; then about Elizabeth's taper leading up to Boston.... on and on I read. This is the power of the blog.

Do you think running into any of these folks in blog land is an accident. NOT!

So, over the past two days, I've done a respectable 7 miles of combined walking/running on my treadmill and while I can't say that I felt great this morning, I could have done more. I even had to quash several thoughts of taking my run outside to see if I could run a mile on land This is encouraging despite the fact that I was feeling some pain going down the stairs into the subway after work.

One of the best things about running for me is the clarity that I feel about my life. This morning's thoughts were mostly about just feeling grounded, accepting the limitations of my aging body (However, I have no such acceptance tonight as I write this post but whatever...), and validating for myself that any kind of running or physical workout is good. I spun wonderful thoughts about getting back onto the tennis court and cracking the wicked big serve that I possessed once upon a time (it was probably a tad bigger in my mind) ....

I spent some time thinking that I really had to relax off of the weight thing during this first year of not smoking. And, most importantly, I validated the extent to which (despite it all) I am conquering my historically low self-esteem; that bad days or even weekend misadventures don't equate to a person who is less than. It doesn't get better than this.

Non-sequitur - watch Huff on HBO. The Movie Network in Canada. It is the new Six Feet Under.

Purgatory

2006-04-03T17:51:00.000-05:00

I made some stunningly bad choices this past weekend for which I am dearly paying the price. I am not going to write about it much here because frankly it doesn't deserve the space. And difficult as it is, I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly as there is no point in crying over spilled milk. All that I can do is to accept that I made some bad choices. The worst of it is that I am just so horribly disappointed with myself. If nothing else, I am just grateful that I didn't smoke given as I put myself into a very dangerous situation where I so could have (21 weeks today). I just hope that my current struggles and general madness have some purpose as yet unseen or understood.

Moving on....

There is some good news to be shared. Before my unplanned sojourn into the evil gay black night up here in Sodom (Toronto that is) I had an amazing walk/run on my treadmill which isn't per se all that newsworthy. However, what is truly amazing is that two days hence I don't feel the pain at all in my butt/thigh/groin??

Stay tuned.

Because I can.

2006-03-29T19:30:00.000-05:00

www.stevewalkerart.com

One Song Glory - RENT Soundtrack

"........... In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find

One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man

A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory

Like a sunset
One song

To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies.... "

I still can't write coherently - please bear with me as I muddle through.

Steve Walker, whose work is featured today was one of my best friends during my twenties. In fact, he was the love of my life that never was. It galls me to this day that our friendship died over some stupid misunderstanding. I want a do over. I want him to know me as the man I am today rather than the man I was then.... He wasn't so well known then. I called him a couple of years ago and left a voice mail telling him that I was really proud of his success. He didn't call back.

The 14th anniversary of Shaun's death. Even though I grieved well, it is sometimes necessary to go back and to feel the pain all over again. To have a good fucking cry over the whole sorry mess that was 10 terrifying years of my life. The reason that RENT means so much to me is because in a sense, I lived it; I am from the generation of gay men who ate it hard. Now please, don't misunderstand me here.... and this is critical.... I don't want sympathy, pity, or a medal. We have all lived it in one way or another.

And now for the question: Give one reason why Scott runs? Because I can. Because I survived. However, the way that I experience it, it sometime feels like a burden. But I've done the therapy... trust me.

On some very deep level, my motivation for running a marathon is to make the surviving meaningful. It is how I know that I am alive despite the vicissitudes of life.

That said, I am thrilled to report that I was actually able to jog (almost run) on the treadmill this morning. There was a little bit of pain but I think it was closer to good pain than bad. This is a very good sign.

Also on a positive note, I tried to incorporate both Jason and Spence's suggestions during yesterday's swim. They both really worked. I swam the best non-stop 50 m of freestyle that I have ever swam. I am certain that I will be able to increase that to 100 m in no time.

I am going to have to end this post now ... one of my cats is screaming the "stop blogging and play with me" screech.... and I have to go to bed very soon so that I will be able to get up to swim in the morning....

Finishing thought.... Big heart, big feelings....

I have no words...

2006-03-26T18:09:00.000-05:00

I can't write tonight for some reason?

So, this is just a quick report about my swimming lesson this morning with Jason: He tells me that I have to learn to sink. I am apparently wasting a lot of strength and energy trying to swim too high in the water. He thinks that this is why I feel so fatigued after only about 50 metres. He says I need to learn to breathe with much less of my face out of the water and gave me some training exercises to try.

Turns out Jason is also a tri coach. Coincidence? Not likely.

Have a great week all.

R.I.P.

Shaun Joseph McGill

December 23, 1961-March 23, 1992

IDENTIFICATION AND BIO: An ice dancer and choreographer, Shaun McGill performed with the John Curry and Torvill & Dean companies. He was also a longtime member of the Baltimore-based Next Ice Age company. Dance critic George Jackson (see below) lauded McGill for "intricate footwork, fleetness, and his streamlined silhouette," further commenting that "McGill suffused his technique with a demonic intensity that made him right for the role of Carabosse in the televised ice version of Sleeping Beauty, Drosselmeyer in the Chicago ice spectacular of Nutcracker, and for the personifications of character or mood in the solos he set for himself." McGill lived in Toronto but often performed in New York. McGill died of AIDS-related causes.

Shaun was my best friend (and also a blood relative) in the whole wide world. I miss him to this day.

This video is from a hughe AIDS awareness tribute concert to Freddie Mercury that was staged at Wembley Arena outside of London in 1992. If you ever see a copy of the video or DVD - buy it. It is a treasure.

I should look so good at 70!

2006-03-21T07:40:00.000-05:00

My Mom and Neice M.

The surprise party we had for my Mom's 70th was really nice and we managed to pull it off without her suspecting a thing. The food was delish and the wine did flow..... The bling we bought her wasn't too shabby either but I didn't think to take a pic. My Mother takes no issue with the saying that diamonds are a girl's best friend.

I worked out this morning on the treadmill - 3.5 miles with some hand weights and elevation thrown in for mile 2. I was feeling great. For the first part of the workout, I listened to the soundtrack from Brokeback Mountain which I recently downloaded to the IPod but hadn't yet listened to. Lilting and beautiful to be sure but not workout music - pass the hankies please.... So anyway, I went to one of my favourites, the Soundtrack from Rent. GOD, I just wanted to fly.

Then... against my better judgment, I tried to run but alas, I couldn't and knew that what I was feeling was not 'good' pain. Damn.

But here's the thing - I still had a great workout. And I proceeded to have a great day.

I have to hold on to that at all costs. There is value in whatever I do on the physical/workout front. It may not be the marathon today, but it might be (will be?) someday.... (btw - I'm getting very excited for all of you who are running Boston - I can't even imagine the rush).

Thanks to all for your kind comments and feedback about my work situation. I'm waffling back and forth between leaving and staying. I'm afraid I have a bit of a history of running away from relationships (I hate conflict - especially if I can't control the situation) when the going gets a little tough... maybe this time, I need to stick it out? It's also about gaining self-confidence in myself which is easily eroded where I work. It doesn't need to.

Finally, thanks especially to Spence for her breathing suggestion. I swim tomorrow and can't wait to try it out.

Chairs, Moms and other assorted bits...

2006-03-17T07:04:00.000-05:00

This is a shot of my dining nook which I post for no other reason than I can. I'm a little slow to this technology and I am learning as I go. I wanted to post a pic of the new chair (which is fabulous and for which I have sold my soul) but I didn't bring the little cord thingy that I need to dowload the pic to the computer home from the office.

Anyway, this is just a short post to check in before heading out of town for the weekend to celebrate my Mom's 70th birthday. To that I say, love your parents while you've got them; spend as much time with them as you possibly can. I lost my Dad way way too soon and I'm afraid that things were quite unresolved between us when he died.

I'm approaching 19 weeks of no smoking all the while feeling stronger in the pool - related? My swim yesterday though was a real struggle. Although I finished the planned 900 m, I wanted to stop after every length from 600 m on. I don't know what it is with freestyle? I could probably breaststroke 2000 m without stopping but try as I might, I can barely manage 50-75 m of freestyle without stopping for a breather. I think maybe I try to swim too fast?

To such end, I have scheduled a private swimming lesson for next weekend. Do ya see where this is going... first a swimming coach.... then I'll want one of those fancy bikes you're all so proud of... then I'll want to be trying a sprint tri.... Maybe though I shouldn't put the cart before the horse. First goal: swim 375 m without stopping (or drowning in the lake).

Life at work still pretty much sucks. I went to the administrator one day this week to complain about one of the women I work for who treats me worse than a piece of belly button lint. Of course, I should have known better - instead of providing any kind of comfort at all, he wanted to know what I was doing to piss her off. I wanted to quit on the spot. All righty then... her bad behaviour is my fault....

After that I took it up with my therapist who also pretty much beat me up trying to convince me that her behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with me and wondering why I let it affect my self-esteem so much.

It's enough to make a person smoke. Butt (pun intended) I didn't and I won't.

Have a great weekend all.

How do I love thee Saturday... let me count the ways

2006-03-11T15:09:00.000-05:00

Spring has sprung here in Toronto. Is there anything more perfect than a sunny Saturday morning in the springtime? Reminds me of the April many years ago when I was in Paris and sooooooooo in love, I thought I was dying (Paris though is just hateful under any other circumstance); fairly skipping down the Champs Elysee strewing daisies from my chapeau.

Anyhow, I digress...

I started my morning with a brisk 3 mile walk on the treadmill and then walked straight uphill 1.5 miles to a doctor's appointment (just routine, nothing to stress over) then 1.5 miles down the hill home. Enroute, I treated myself to a gorgeous New York strip loin steak, a $30 bottle of Australian Shiraz and a brick (a different kind of brick than you triathaletes write about.. lol) of ancient cheddar. (I don't need the calories but I've been a very good boy all week which is the more amazing when you consider that my job is becoming more hateful by the moment. )

I have to admit though, I wanted to slit my wrists watching all the very smart looking runners passing me by. And trust me, in Rosedale, they all tend to be ever so smart looking and fit as the day is long. Aaaarrrrggghhh... rich and good looking.... Yeah, life is so fair. I would have been happy, if even one of them that passed by was fat and wheezy...

For some of us, the best we can do is pretend to be rich. After just a wretched day at the office yesterday, I resorted to buying furniture to make myself feel better. Needless to say, I have now spent next year's bonus on a chair. One chair. I find that new chairs work wonders for one's flagging self-confidence... at least for five minutes.

Alas, this afternoon, I am drafting resume cover letters. Even as I am writing this post, I have no clear sense that leaving is the right course of action? Am I running away just because it's difficult? Is the devil you know better than the devil you don't? What if they make the decision for me... ACK!!! Questions, question, questions....

Anyway, enough gazing at my belly button and time to get to work. I hope you're all having a simply fabulous weekend wherever you are!

What if eveyone has a secret?

2006-03-09T20:20:00.000-05:00

Thought du jour from one of our newspapers courtesy of Steven Hayes, author of Get of of Your Mind and Into Your Life:

"Each of us compares our insides to others' outsides... But what if everyone has a secret? And what if the joke is that we all have the same one? The plain fact is that almost all people are in pain somewhere in their lives much of the time. It is hard to be fully human. Almost all of us struggle and suffer, and we all find that so called easy methods of feeling good bear little relationship to living a meanifngul valued, vital life."

I'd love to hear people's take on this little gem.

This has proven to be another hard (no, EXCRUTIATING) week (OMG I hate my job) but I've gotten through it workout to workout. I don't think that I can start running again but I'm doing lots of brisk walking and my swimming is really progressing. I've done 2400 metres in the pool over 3 days, and a little at a time, my freestyle lengths are feeling a bit easier.

No matter what's going on in my life - it can't get me while I'm in the pool or on my treadmill!

Somehow, I'm still not smoking and doing as well as can be expected food wise.

100 Things

2006-03-05T18:12:00.000-05:00

Well here goes with my contribution to the 100 Things About Me List. I have tried to be as honest with this list as is possible given that I am publishing it on the web. It is certainly not definitive... just what comes to mind at this point and time of my life.

1. Countries I have travelled to: England, France, Germany, Amsterdam, Italy, United States, Hong Kong, Korea, Thailand, Singapore;
2. States in the U.S. I have travelled to: Florida, Washington D.C., Texas, New York, New Jersey, Ohio, Illinois, Indiana, Atlanta, California, Massachusetts;
3. I have travelled more outside of Canada than within Canada;
4. I was an extra in the mini series of Rich Man Poor Man; played a reporter in a scene with Peter Strauss in an airport; on set for 14 hours to film a 2 minute scene;
5. I have met or got autographs from: Drew Barrymore as a child right after E.T. (she printed), Mickey Rourke, Ed Asner, Matt Dillon, Shirley McLaine, Paul McCartney;
6. I was living in London, England in my early twenties and worked in a building where McCartney had a recording studio; got his autograph in the elevator; he rarely signs autographs;
7. I sold the McCartney autograph on EBay for a lot of money at a time when I was broke and desperate for cash;
8. I once had dinner in New York with Dorothy Hamill when she was married to Dean Martin's son along with some other minor celebrities;
9. One of my all time best friends (who also happened to be my second cousin) had a serious relationship with the Olympic Gold Medalist John Curry; they are now both dead;
10. My Father was a beef farmer; my Mother was a stay-at-home Mom;
11. My first real pet was a dog named Buffy who lived to be almost 15 years old;
12. After that I had two cats, Beau and Squirt who died within three months of each other;
13. 1998, The WORST year of my life: I lost a job, my two cats and my Father died within a few months of each other;
14. I rode horses competetively as a teenager; I wanted to ride in the Three Day Event at the Olympics but I wasn't good enough - I was also too heavy;
15. I was overweight as a child; other kids teased me and called me fatty; why are children so fucking cruel?
16. I knew I was gay when I was a child - I just didn't have language for it until I was in my late teens;
17. I weighed close to 300 lbs. when I was eighteen; I ran away to London, England and lost 90 lbs over 4 months using diet drugs; I didn't tell anyone that I had lost so much weight and nobody recognized me at the airport when I came home;
18. That summer, Prince Charles married Lady Diana; we camped on the street for 48 hours and had a very good view of the parade of Royals;
19. I remember being very impressed that the Prime Minister Trudeau was the last World leader/dignitary in the parade before the actual Royals; Nancy Reagan rode in a bus with some other European heads of state which I don't think she was too happy about;
20. My first job was at a McDonalds; I once sold vacuum cleaners;
21. My first real career was as a fashion/retail buyer;
22. When I was buying menswear for Canada's largest chain of department stores, I produced a huge fashion event called GQ Live; go figure - I could once pick up the phone and call one of the editor's of GQ Live in New York - my life is very different now...
23. I had a taste of the bright lights, big city thing when I was in my 20's - OMG, I think that being a famous celebrity would be the lowest form of misery;
24. I Co-ordinated Fashion Cares in 1992 which is one of Canada's foremost AIDS fundraiser; after it was all over, I was the last one to leave the venue after hearing on the news that someday I had known had died of AIDS...
25. Almost all of my best friends died of AIDS; our grief also killed a lot of relationships;
26. I will be 44 years old in July;
27. I am 6' 1" tall, with brown hair and eyes, currently weigh 258 lbs.;
28. After losing all that weight when I was 18/19, I stayed under 22o lbs. until I turned 35 then all hell broke loose;
29. Over the past 4 years or so, I have gained and lost 40 lbs. 3 times - HATEFUL!
30. 40 of my years have been lived between just 3 residences; two of those residences are basically across the street from each other in downtown Toronto;
31. I don't know the names of my next door neighbours and they have lived beside me for 16 years; we like our privacy;
32. Currently, I have two cats named James and Dolly Peasley; they are brother and sister; sometimes, I think I love them so much I could die;
33. I can't imagine the love a parent has for a human child; I think I would be consumed;
34. After I flamed out of my fashion career, I was treated for a nickel and dime drug habit; I didn't use drugs for years afterwards but relapsed on and off for several years after that; I consider myself very lucky that I never got into any kind of serious trouble; I am not proud of this but it's part of my truth;
35. I got a degree in Social Work (honours) but didn't have the means or emotional stability to get my Masters;
36. I have always felt that I cheated myself by not getting a graduate degree; maybe someday before I die;
37. I also have a partial degree in commerce, a law clerk's certificate and a fashion merchandising diploma - it took me awhile to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up;
38. I worked very briefly in child welfare; I sucked! I couldn't take babies away from their mothers;
39. For a period of a couple of years I was seriously thinking about joining a monastery and becoming a monk;
40. I spent time in a monastery in Cambridge Mass, very close to Harvard;
41. My very first run was in Cambridge along the Charles River;
42. Some of my fave movies: Harold and Maude, Chariots of Fire;
43. Fave TV show - Six Feet Under; I fucking wailed for about 2 hours after the series finale which I consider the best 10 minutes of TV ever filmed!
44. Canada's answer to Tivo is called Personal Video Recorder; I am a PVR snob - I no longer watch commercials;
45. One of my terrible trashy secrets is that I sometimes play Bingo;
46. One year, I saw the Gay Pride Parade in both New York City and Toronto on the same day;
47. Les Miserable is probably my favourite musical and favourite book; I have read the whole 130o odd pages of Hugo's novel;
48. I bowl in a gay bowling league; I'm not very good;
49. I was obsessed with the sport of tennis for many years;
50. I competed as a novice in the 1994 Gay Games in New York; I lost in the round right before the medals;
51. Walking into Yankee Stadium in the closing parade of athletes was one of my most thrilling moments in life;
52. I co-produced the first gay and lesbian tennis tournament in Canada in 1995;
53. To this day, I don't really know how or why I quit tennis; I am trying to find my game again;
54. As a child, I went to Sunday School; for about 20 years as an adult I wanted nothing to do with organized religion; then, one day, at a particularly low ebb of my life, I walked into the Church of the Redeemer, Toronto's most liberal and socially progressive churches;
55. It changed my life;
56. If ever there is a life moment that you have to get it right the first time, it is giving the eulogy at a parent's funeral; I so got it right!
57. I think that George Bush is evil personified; it makes me angry that he claims to be a Christian;
58. Did he (and all of the other right wing evangelical lunatics) misunderstand Jesus' teaching in the Gospels about love?
59. I am was born into a Christian family - but I believe that we are all related as humans, no matter what religion we practice, no matter what we choose to call God or worship as God, I don't believe that any religion is better than another;
60. It fucking pisses me off that so much evil in the world has been done in the name of religion;
61. I have voted in every single election since I turned 18;
62. I am a card carrying New Democrat;
63. I have seen the same therapist for 9 years;
64. I have had the same GP for over 20 years; She is the best!
65. When I was a kid, I had a huge crush on David Cassidy from the Partridge Family;
66. Reality TV sucks - c'mon do you really believe that any of it is real?
67. Oprah Winfrey's power and influence scares me;
68. I'm not a communist by any stretch, but I think there should be a maximum amount of money that anyone can earn - c'mon does anyone really need a billion dollars? Given the amount of money in the world - why is anyone hungry?
69. I once worked for a Judge running a courtroom - think of Judge Judy's clerk;
70. I have ran two 5k races;
71. I hated red wine until I quit smoking?? Go figure?
72. If I was stranded on a desert island and could choose only one food to eat for the rest of my life - I would pick cheese;
73. I have a hard time getting through a day without pasta; I could live the rest of my life quite happily without rice or potatoes;
74. My fave breakfast is bacon and eggs;
75. I wish I could live my whole life at 5:00 a.m.; from that point it is frequently all downhill;
76. The sound of my cats purring is just freakin awesome;
77. If I could be anything that I'm not - I would be a ballet dancer;
78. I won the school baking competitions in grades 1 and 2; people accused me of cheating; I didn't;
79. I won a bunch of trophies one year for public speaking - my speech was on the triple crown winning race horse Secretariat;
80. I played the piano as a child; My Mother hoped I would grow up to be Liberace; at a very young age, I could make people cry playing the Theme from Love Story - ROTFLMAO...
81. Today, I can barely play a note;
82. I despise people who flaunt wealth and material goods; however, I admit that I like nice things as much as the next person - but let's be reasonable ....;
83. The song Puff The Magic Dragon makes me cry; but so do telephone commercials;
84. A favourite moment - summer, sitting on the dock at the lake with my sis and brother-in-law, drinking scotch, watching the sunset...
85. I suck at the game of office politics; I am more likely to tell somebody to fuck off rather than play stupid games;
86. I am addicted to Sudoku;
87. Periodically, I have this weird dream about swimming Lake Ontario;
88. I want to run a marathon; I have no desire to run anything longer than that...
89. I live alone; I crave solitude; I don't mind my own company;
90. I despise shell fish;
91. I think that capital punishment is absolutely wrong - ALWAYS; the state has no right to kill;
92. The first movie I ever saw in a theatre - The Sound of Music;
93. The last concert I saw was Elton John; floor seats just a few rows from the stage; awesome!
94. My middle name is Cole - it is my Grandmother's maiden name; it was also my Father's middle name;
95. The new series WEEDS is also great television; if I weren't gay, I would lust after Mary Louise Parker;
96. Despite my frequent whinging and moaning about the viscissitudes of life - I am truly, truly happy as a human being; I am grateful for all that I have;
97. The Academy Awards show is tooooooooooo long....
98. I am not afraid of death; however, I am terrified of dying;
99. I do not regret anything about my life; I am who I am today because of everything that has gone before - how can I regret that which has made me who I am?

and, drum roll please....

100. There is nothing I could possibly list at spot 100 that could possibly say more about me than nos 96, and 98-99.

Dazed and confused...

2006-03-04T10:25:00.000-05:00

Overall I had a good food/exercise week and I didn't smoke (117 days or 16 weeks and 5 days... but who's counting lol). This is good. Maybe this is all that one can ask for? Maybe this is all there is?

Otherwise, I am in a total muddle; struggling to make a decision as to whether or not I need to change jobs (I think I do, the thought of which terrorizes me). I tossed and turned all last night in bed trying to let go of a couple of particular situations that transpired at the office yesterday which had the effect of crushing my already shaky sense of self-confidence and sucking the soul right out of me (ok maybe that is just a tad dramatic... ). Just the same, I hate it when I allow people and/or circumstances (that I have no control over) to live inside of my thoughts like that - especially during the night when all I want or need is to sleep.

Due in large part to my work situation, I'm feeling totally vulnerable (exacerabated by not smoking) which is a feeling that I don't do well. That said, part of my journey in this life is to be able to stay with these feelings without allowing them to define who I am as a person.

It is totally incumbent upon me to recognize that what I'm experiencing at this moment would be immeasurably worse if I wasn't doing all that I am doing trying to be as physically fit and healthy as possible.

On a more positive note, I feel really good about my progress in the pool. I'm going to try to increase my distance to 750 m this coming week - with 250 m of freestyle.

TRU

2006-02-25T19:49:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, two posts in one day....

With the Oscars approaching, alas, I had to suck it up and see Capote. Phillip Seymour Hoffman deserves the Oscar for Best Actor. Straight up. Sorry Heath, your movie's one for the history books but it's Phillip's year, not yours (We can always hope for Jake to win Best Supporting Actor).

Dear God, I'm going to have nightmares of the execution for weeks.

I was very interested to learn of Capote's friendship with the author Harper Lee. To Kill a Mockingbird is one of my all time favourite books (perahps time to read it again?) but I never knew the following which is excerpted from a Capote biography on the internet:

"In his childhood Capote made friends with Harper Lee, who portrayed him as Dill in her world famous novel To Kill a Mockingbird. "Dill was a curiosity. He wore blue linen shorts that buttoned to his shirt, his hair was snow white and stuck to his head like duckfluff; he was a year my senior but I towered over him. As he told us the old tale his blue eyes would lighten and darken; his laugh was sudden and happy; he habitually pulled at a cowlick in the center of his forehead."

I had intented to do a double-bill this afternoon, and see Walk The Line after Capote, but I was just too emotionally wrought. So, I decided on a good steak, aged cheese and a nice bottle of red wine instead.

Happy is as happy does....

2006-02-25T09:51:00.000-05:00

I FEEL GREAT!

Ya just gotta love Saturday mornings after a great workout, sitting in front of the computer with a steaming hot cup of coffee… pondering life… the whole day ahead, chock full of promise and opportunity.

Though it was snowy and blowy this morning in Toronto, I managed to kick it into gear and got my considerable ass out the door to the Y for my planned swim. And just like I’ve been doing it forever, I did 500m (breast stroke, mind you) without stopping. Then, feeling smug as hell, I thought I’d try to finish off with 100m of free style (yeah the one where I swallow water and worry about drowning) and discovered that I was too fast for the slow lane (go figure…) and kept bumping into the people ahead of me…. So after turning around a couple of times mid length, I called it a day after approx. 75m. The encouraging news is that I could have done more.

This is all the more encouraging because, thanks to Buckeye, I’m exploring the idea of a sprint Try-a-Tri where the swim is only 375m. Sounds doable? Anyway, that’s way down the road, if ever.

On the walk home, I was thinking a couple of things: 1) now that I don’t need time at lunch to smoke my face off, I could swim or do yoga; and 2) I don’t have to run a full marathon to feel good about myself – just working out at all has the power to make me feel good and is way better than nothing at all.

Other workouts:

Thursday swim – 500m
Friday walking on treadmill – 2.5 miles

Tomorrow – treadmill, 3 mile walk.

What is progress?

2006-02-22T19:59:00.000-05:00

I decided that I had to change the name of this blog from GGVII Marathon or 1/2 Marathon, as it has been decided that I will be attempting neither - or at least my body decided. Having so decided, I can't help but to admit that I feel like a bit of a fraud amidst the 'real athletes' - now that my status as a 'wannabe' is confirmed.

However, as I believe there are no accidents in this universe, I know that there is a reason that I started this blog, and as well, for the connections that I have made with some of you serious runners and triathaletes with whom I have shared something of myself these past weeks.

My hope is that some of you will stick around as this blog evolves, and as my training (such as it is), continues. The goal remains: SOMEDAY, I WILL cross running a marathon off of the list of things to do before I die! In the meantime, please know that I draw inspiration from you and I will run with you vicariously in the wind.

Anyway.... this can only be a quick post tonight. I'm exhausted having battled with my shrink for an hour after an otherwise brutal day at work over the question asked in the title of this post: What is progress? He is my biggest believer and would have none of my whining that it sucks to be me.

Of course, during precious moments of clarity, I can easily recognize and validate all that I have accomplished and consider it all progress. Quite aside from mere progress, it is a bloody miracle that I am still not smoking after 107 days. On the other hand... well, we won't go there.

Inarticulate as I am tonight, I am trying to make a point (and not getting anywhere close) about believing in oneself; especially in the face of the impossible, and the awesome power of throwing that belief behind others by way of our support.

I'm planning 500m tomorrow in the pool; hopefully I will manage 100m of freestyle without stopping. I tried deep water aquafit yesterday morning but it wasn't nearly challenging enough (even for me)...

MEMO TO SELF: You cannot do better than your best.

Weekend workouts and thoughts...

2006-02-19T16:07:00.000-05:00

Saturday - I swam 500m in 100m intervals. As I haven't swam for many years, I had forgotten how good my body feels after swimming - the sense that you have really worked your WHOLE body. I think that my ability to increase the distance will come quickly as I learn to relax in the pool. Even though I know how to swim and I'm not afraid of swimming in a pool (lakes and oceans are another matter altogether) I have a sense that I might sub-consciously panic a bit when my breathing is elevated which causes me to think that I have to stop and catch my breath?? Unfortunately, the adult lessons at my Y are later in the evening which really don't work for me. I might look into private lessons to give me a shove in the right direction.

Sunday - I was going to swim again this morning but woke up with a dreadful red wine hangover from a work function last night. (Partners treated us to a fab dinner at Xacutti where I had a dill salmon that was to die for. www.xacutti.com)

So, this afternoon, I settled on a 2.5 mile walk on the treadmill at 4.0 mph pace. Although it is a lot better than doing nothing, it didn't feel like much of a workout and the whole time I had to fight against the desire to increase the speed and jog. But I know that my pulled whatever... (I still don't know exactly whether it's my back, groin, ham??.. it just all kind of hurts) would flare up and set me back yet again. So I just kept reminding myself about the new plan of slow and steady.

Besides, it is just over two months to my vacation in Hilton Head - God willing that my body cooperates.

Wishing everyone in cyberblog land a productive, healthy, and joy filled week!

A favourite quotation...

2006-02-16T19:48:00.000-05:00

Alice laughed. `There's no use trying,' she said `one ca'n't believe impossible things.'

`I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. `When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.
Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking Glass

A few years ago, I found this quotation printed on a fridge magnet in a card store while looking for a birthday card for one of my sisters who, at the time, was in the fight of her life with depression. I bought it for her because it reminded me of a time earlier in my life when I was under the very mistaken impression that I really didn't care much whether I lived or died (I did and I very much do). As I didn't have much going for me at the time, I figured that I had nothing to lose by dreaming of impossible things.

Today, she and her husband own a successful store called Main Street Health in Picton, Ontario (www.mainstreethealth.com (site under construction)). The fridge magnet is still on her fridge. We don't talk about it but I know that she knows that I know it's still there, if you know what I mean...

As for me - dreaming impossible things has inspired me to persevere and to continue scaling the emotional cliffs of life. Since posing the question why? the other day, I have concluded that for me, my desire to run a marathon is all about dreaming impossible things. It has little to do with whether or not I actually do it - desiring it, pursuing it, training for it (even to the extent my battered old body will allow) will take me to heights that I have only ever dreamt of.

I am writing this to remind myself (yet again) that my glass is more than half full - on a day during which I let everyone and everything (including the freakin weather) get me down.

Alas, my impossible dream of running the marathon at the Gay Games this summer in Chicago is not to be. I have very much decided to spend the rest of this year focusing on fitness/weight loss in general and running short distances while doing inner core strengthening.

However, you would be wrong to understand this to be about giving up. In reality, it is very much about dreaming impossible things. It's just going to take a little longer.

In the meantime, I've booked a tennis/spa vacation in Hilton Head, SC this May. Who knows, maybe I'll find my old game (I was once a diehard court rat) and kick some serious ass this summer on the weekend warrior tennis tour!

Game, Set, Match.

2006-02-15T05:59:00.000-05:00

DAY 100

Things are rarely as bad as we imagine them to be...

2006-02-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

Went swimming at the Y this morning. Managed 6x50 metres. Hate the front crawl! Drank about a gallon of chlorine.

I probably could have swam more lengths but I had the good sense not to push it. I will no doubt be stiff as a board tomorrow. I was the third person in the pool at 7:05 a.m. In twenty minutes there were about twenty more, including several very smart and toned looking individuals who appeared to be taking part in a Masters' Class. I wondered if they were triathaletes? For a few seconds, I considered whether I might someday do a triathalon? I was relieved that nothing hurt.

I CAN DO THIS.

Having battled weight and body image issues my whole life, taking even this baby step is a gigantic step forward for me. So much so, I can't even figure out how to write about it in any kind of succinct or cogent manner... suffice to say that to swim (in a public pool) is about as difficult as it gets for me.

REALITY... if I want to hold out any hope of being able to run my marathon, I'd better make friends with the Loch Ness monster that lurks in the swimming pool of my mind.

In other developments... I walked on my treadmill yesterday and on Thursday (both days I had planned to go to the pool but wussed out). Yesterday, I did 2 miles with my shins screaming for the entire duration. I tried to run briefly but it was a no go. My next physio appointment is tomorrow morning.

On my way home from the Y, I pondered why I have this need or desire to run a marathon? On the surface it's an easy question to answer.. but when I plumb the depths it becomes a little murkier. I fear that it has to do with a lack of acceptance of the realities of aging? Does this resonate? Anybody have any answers they'd like to share?

DREAMS DIE HARD? or DREAMS NEVER DIE?

2006-02-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

Hi all - Is it weird to have the feeling that I missed everyone?

Anyway, I'm back from my weekend in the country where I shared some good quality time with some of my family (for whom I am grateful beyond words), drank some great wine and tried to find some much needed perspective. I did but it is all so very tentative at the moment.

Most importantly, I didn't smoke. This is starting to feel like the battle of a lifetime. But first, let me explain... it's not that I really want to smoke. I don't. It's just that I don't yet know how to live without my cigarettes. Worse, I feel like I no longer know who I am. I feel all naked and vulnerable. Until my tired, battered, old body broke down... again... I was right into it and never felt better. But now, I'm on the bench and not even dressed to play, and I'm spiralling into a pit of despair. And the pit is all about the Meat Lovers pizza from Pizza Hut...

The good news here is that I am an old pro at disappointment and heartache and I am nothing, if not a survivor! Note the Chariots of Fire trailer that I have uploaded. If ever there was a film about guts and heart...

I will get through this. I have learned from experience that "getting through it" is really one's only option. I personally invented loathing and self-pity but now they are frankly boring and not at all attractive.

So here's my new plan:

1. continue not smoking (today is day 92 and counting)

2. continue with physio (memo to self: ICE stupid)

3. actually do the core training exercises (I bought a book about Pilates and a ball this weekend)

4. use the 6 sessions of Yoga that I paid for last Fall but never used

5. stop beating myself up for eating my way through this crisis

6. swim

7. modify running goals (c'mon Scott ... you'd die of happiness if you crossed the finish line of a 10k much less a marathon... it is all good)

Non-sequitor and utterly useless trivia: Did you know - that the line "Beam my up Scotty" was never actually spoken in an episode of Star Trek?

What is the good of the strongest heart, in a body that is falling apart, everyday more... Oh my Creator... (Anyone know the musical?)

2006-02-01T20:35:00.000-05:00

Had my first physio appointment today. The treatment today was all about my lower back which has been killing me the last couple of days. The therapist said it was inflamed... he asked me if I had been doing the core strengthening exercises that he prescribed last year. I said no, and tried to justify my response by telling him about all the sit-ups, weights and stretching that I have been doing. He said I'd be better off knocking off the sit-ups and just working on the flexion exercises. He asked me if I still had the printouts of the excercises, I lied and said yes. I could kick myself. I hope the therapist does not subscribe to my blog.

He's onside with the swimming as has been suggested several times by various bloggers. Next week, we will try to figure out the cause of the pain when I run.

OMG, I have to deal with the public pool at the Y. (the little voice in my head is yelling at me, Scott, it's about time isn't it? How long are you going to hang on to your fear? Isn't letting go of fear the end all to be all for you at this point in your life... the whole point of everything... well, isn't it huh...) Excuse us, we fight like this regularly.

Honestly, I could cry. I am not in a good place. I want to smoke a package of cigarettes one right after the other - but that would just make matters worse. Dinner was an entire loaf of garlic bread... you know the really good kind from the snooty bakery... talk about emotional eating.... talk about crazy...

It's ironic, Wil's post today is all about gratitude which I often have in abundance. Today, it is not immediately clear to me that I have any whatsoever. Objectively, my woes are, as they say, de minimus. I apologize to the latin scholars - there is probably a much better way of expressing the trivial nature of my problems in latin... Time to go to bed and get over it.

Who said the famous line, "Tomorrow is another day." Was that from Gone with the Wind?

Thankfully, I'm going out of town to my Sister Wendy and Brother-In-Law David's place this weekend (they live on an exquisitely beautiful island across the lake from the Picton Sandbanks on the shores of Lake Ontario if anyone knows that part of the world).

see: www.pec.on.ca photo tour (sorry I haven't figured out how to paste pictures into the template).

Here endeth today's rant.

Thanks to all for your supportive comments...

2006-01-30T05:09:00.000-05:00

I've made an appointment with my physiotherapist for Wedneday. Hopefully, my injury is minor and I can get back to training in short order. It was such a beautiful day here in Toronto on Saturday and I was really depressed that I couldn't run - though I tried.

My biggest concern at the moment, is that this is the exact same injury, in the exact same place that put an end to my training two years ago. At that time though, I didn't do any therapy. I was in a very different place in my life and I kinda just conceded. This time around, I'm going to try swimming and see if that works. I suspect that the more complete answer to the problem is to be found through continued weight loss.

Notwithstanding that I am just three months into my life as a non-smoker, I have the food part of the dieting under reasonable control though I need to make some adjustments. I think that if I could just get a good six months of healthy eating and working out under my belt, the excess pounds would be gone. I am just such an emotional eater. Most of the time when I overeat to reach for the junk it has absolsutely nothing to do with hunger or fuel.

Turning back to the idea of swimming... problem (ok not really a problem) is that I will have go to the Y during peak hours and/or on my way to work. My life is geared to early mornings, so getting to the pool to swim before work is not the problem (except that I would be the flotsam and jetsam that Elizabeth refers to). The problem is that I despise having to get myself ready for work at the gym; it is the sole reason that I invested in the big honking treadmill that lives in the middle of my living room. As the Y is on my way to the office, it really isn't practical to come back home to shower, shave etc. and then leave for work.

No problems... just opportunities as they say.

Have a great week everybody. And, thanks for the support.

Life in the alternative...

2006-01-26T05:48:00.000-05:00

I just tried to do some kind of workout on my treadmill. I knew while I was warming up that it was going to be a no go though I tried to remain hopeful and thought I might be ok when my muscles got warmer. However, I could feel the pulling the minute that I started running. So I stopped. I am trying not to be despondent. Maybe writing this will help me to feel better.

This morning, I am going to make a physio appointment. I think the injury might have something to do with my back as I felt completely lopsided on my treadmill this morning. I am reminded of a time last Fall when I injured my back and I felt like my torso was attached at an angle to my lower extremities. The physiotherapist told me then that my back was the source of a former pioformis problem which I had put down to a running injury (when I was training at the 10k distance a couple of years ago).

Anyway... looks like I'm going to have to come up with a plan B. I think I have to let go of my expectation of being fit enough to do the marathon in July. I think that I probably have to think of this year as a transition year. I'm only just three months into my life as a non-smoker which is causing grief on the weight loss front. It's so like me to have expectations of myself to master both at the same time... sheesh...

This is about accepting the limits of reality. It sucks. I am going to fight it but I know I will lose.

Of course this is the Universe's way of teaching one the lessons of life. It is about learning how to cope and make healthier choices; figuring out what the important priorities are.

GOD only knows that I know this but it is something that I easily forget (willfully?) or blithely ignore.

Ordinarily in these kinds of moments, I would simply go to my neighbourhood McDonald's, eat half a pig and then smoke a pack of cigarettes. Without these options, I am forced to do something in the alternative... so maybe 2006 needs to be about figuring out how to choose life in the alternate ...

Today's word is choice.

I REALLY HATE BRADELGINA... or BRANGELINA.. or whatever the &%$i people call them....

2006-01-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

For the briefest of moments I allowed my TV remote to pause on the channel showing Entertainment Tonight. I FEEL DIRTY... Please explain it to me... why do people care about Brad and Angelina... yah ok, he's gorgeous but seriously, I'm embarassed for him...

See what happens to me when I'm not working out... just call me BITTER BETTY...

And, to make matters worse, Canada has become a 'blue state' and elected the freakin conservatives... Sooooooooo long freedom, it was nice knowin ya...

That's all for today. I haven't worked out since the pull on Sunday morning. I don't feel acute pain but I sense that I would if I tried to workout. Still I'm gonna hop on the treadmill tomorrow morning and hope for the best.

If the pain persists, I am seriously going to have to deal with my swimsuit issues and get my butt into the pool and start swimming...

This month's Vanity Fair Horoscope for Leo is a hoot:

"When Saturn goes retrograde through your sign, as it will be doing until spring, it is hard to focus on anything but yourself. Even if you feel as if you can't spare a drop of energy for anybody or anything, you have to muster your strength, stay on the treadmill (literally and figuratitively), and, most important, devote yourself to work with all the tender loving commitment of a mother toward a little baby. That won't be easy if you're holed up in the bathroom worrying about wrinkles and searching for a single strand of gray."

MISERY

2006-01-22T08:54:00.000-05:00

Here we go again. Just as I start to gear up and get into a training groove, my body says - no thanks.

I was just into my second 8 min. interval this morning at the Y when I started to feel the all too familiar pull in the vicinity of my right thigh (hamstring, piorformis??). I never know exactly which muscle hurts. Anyway, I walked a couple of laps trying to tell myself that it was just tight and that I would be able to run through it. However, when I started to run again, I knew that it was "bad" paid as opposed to the "good" pain that we all have to push through from time to time. I finished the lap and then went to the mat and stretched for a bit before limping home.

So I here I sit on a couple of ice packs to write this.

This is exactly the scenario from two years ago when I was training for my first 10k.

Maybe this just isn't meant to be?

MARY LOUISE PARKER RULES!

2006-01-17T20:32:00.000-05:00

Best actress in a Comedy - Golden Globe Awards - WEEDS (she beat all those horrible women from Desparate Housewives... ***sorry*** Although Felicity Huffman won for Best Actress in a Motion Picture for Transamerica - another must see film.... and what of Brokeback Mountain? .... pass the tissues please....

Yes, you can laugh - I aspire to make people laugh.

Had a great workout this morning! (4.5 X 10 minutes + weights) I was really in touch with the reality that my running has to be about the process... about the here and now... about today...

GOD only knows how badly I want to run the marathon this summer... but what if I can't? (The question is rhetorical.) I guess what I'm trying to say, is that this morning, the running itself made me happy; it surely contributed to a sane and health filled day.... what more can one ask?

Yet, when I think about my dream of running a marathon.... it feels like I'm on the quest to find the Holy Grail! Cliche?

Before nodding off to sleep, I offer the following verse from the Soundtrack of Wicked which came on while I was stretching this morning:

THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
NO, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
THOUGH IT IS, I ADMIT
THE TINIEST BIT
UNLIKE I ANTICIPATED
BUT I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
SIMPLY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
Well - not "simply"...
'CAUSE GETTING YOUR DREAMS
IT'S STRANGE, BUT IT SEEMS
A LITTLE -- WELL -- COMPLICATED
THERE'S A KIND OF A SORT OF...COST
THERE'S A COUPLE OF THINGS GET... LOST
THERE ARE BRIDGES YOU CROSS
YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU CROSSED
UNTIL YOU'VE CROSSED...

AND IF THAT JOY, THAT THRILL
DOESN'T THRILL LIKE YOU THINK IT WILL
STILL..
WITH THIS PERFECT FINALE
THE CHEERS AND THE BALLYHOO
WHO
WOULDN'T BE HAPPIER?
SO I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
BECAUSE HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TURE
WELL.. ISN'T IT?

HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE.

indeed...

Forget regret - your life is yours to miss (Rent Soundtrack)

2006-01-15T10:10:00.000-05:00

Life could be so simple - get up in the morning, run, feel good... repeat!

I'm just back from my run on the indoor track at the Y. Coffee is brewing. Sun is shining. I could only manage a slow 6-7 km. Natch, my inclination was to go negative - too slow, too fat, blah blah blah... The truth is otherwise.

On the walk home, listening to my IPod, I heard the line cited in the title of this post - Forget regret - your life is yours to miss... and I remember that I very nearly missed mine. A few years ago, I didn't much care if I lived or died. All of my friends had long died of AIDS, I was unemployed, lost, humiliated by life, I couldn't run down the block, I smoked heavily, did more than my fair share of drugs and destroyed my soul with cheap and meaningless sex...

And now somehow... [God?]

I've quit smoking and eat healthy most days of the week (despite the fight I had last night with the pizza), I have a great job in one of Toronto's most prestigious law firms that I really like most days of the week, I'm training for the marathon that I believe that I can run, in fact, I believe in the possibility of lots of things.... in short, I'm pretty happy on most days of the week. It's trite to say that the glass is more than half full...

I survived. I owe it to my friends who didn't to live my guts out and not to miss the life that I have. I'm trying not to.

And like I said... life should be easy... get up... run... be happy... repeat....

January 14, 2006 - Love Hurts (either Nazareth or Cher and probably others...)

2006-01-14T19:17:00.000-05:00

Ain't it the truth...

I couldn't workout last Thursday. I can only run in the morning and I had to be in the office by 7:00 a.m. that morning to prepare for a meeting with one of the firm's senior partners. She is totally awesome (but scary) to work for. Cautionary memo to self: Don't elevate her onto a pedestal... remember the disappointment when you ultimately discover the shocking reality (and it always happens) that those you anoint as heroes are merely human, and that often, they disappoint. Well that's an hour of therapy that I can skip...

In all seriousness, Thursday was the first morning workout that I blew off in a long time because of work and, in all the circumstances, I really couldn't see anyway around it.

My workout this morning felt great. I felt strong and happy and I didn't have to fight it... So what did I do afterwards... went out for the afternoon and came home and stuffed myself with pizza. Not happy bout that. Perhaps somewhere along Lakeshore Drive in Chicago ... maybe about mile 20, I'll stop for a slice....

Thanks to Buckeyerunner for teaching me everything I need to know about Html (lol). I have copied her source code for her regular reads and so for now, it is her list not mine. I haven't a clue if there is some kind of blogging etiquette that requires one to ask permission? If there is, I promise that I will in due course.

Waddle free, waddle strong...

January 10, 2006 - Fatty and the Athlete

2006-01-10T06:52:00.000-05:00

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR
GGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

I fought my entire workout this morning. Kind of like the story of my life. It ought not have been so hard; I wasn't hurting physically; I've quit smoking, so my lungs weren't hurting; I was listening to great tunes on the IPod... yet the whole way, in my mind, I was just one step from quitting.... I am just so tired of fighting.

The positive spin: I finished the workout - I DIDN'T QUIT!. I feel good. It makes good sense that training for, or running a marathon isn't always going to be easy. Not only is the glass not half empty - it is almost full damnit... and, I'm alive.

Undeniably though, the emotional baggage is heavy today.

January 8, 2006 - Humility

2006-01-08T09:11:00.000-05:00

I hate that running on a track is so much harder than running on a treadmill.

This morning, I began my transition from the treadmill to an indoor track. It was just plain hard. I gave up counting laps to try to calculate distance so just kept track of time. I'd be lucky if I managed 5km over about 35 minutes. I prayer for an early spring here in Toronto so that I can run outside. Fitness etc. aside, I will go nuts running on the 1/8km track at the YMCA. I am still feeling a little dizzy... around and around and around.... Maybe I just need to bite it and try to figure out a way to run outside in the snow and ice? Investing in winter running gear wouldn't cost much more than a three month membership at the Y. I will have to think on that this week.

Trying to spin it in a positive direction, I can build from this new starting point week to week; adding just a little more each week. In a few weeks I'll be up to 10km. I need to remember that in the not too distant past, I couldn't run a block much less 5km. So maybe I'm not doing so bad.

Today's thought to hold onto - run the journey.

January 7, 2006 - Something has changed within me...

2006-01-07T07:56:00.000-05:00

Something is not the same
I'm through with playing with the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second guesses

Too late to go back to sleep
Its time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It time to try defying gravity...

Defying Gravity from the soundtrack of Wicked

Inspiration!

Truly something has changed. I believe that I can do this.

In a way, I already have!

One of my challenges continues to be running in the moment and overcoming the monkey chatter in my mind. Everytime I consciously focus on the exact present, I realize how into the running I am. That is about the journey and not the finish line is such a simple concept but oh... how difficult to live...

Be well.

January 5, 2006 - "Jesus Walks" by Kanye West

2006-01-05T19:51:00.000-05:00

Wow! Who knew. Jesus rap. I listened to it while working out for the first time this morning and I swear, I felt like I could fly. I need to get this into my final miles playlist for the marathon. I don't know about anyone else, but it might keep me going a mile or two longer...

(Jesus Walks)God show me the way because the Devil try to break me down(Jesus Walks with me)The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now(Jesus Walks)And I don't think there’s nothing I can do to right my wrong(Jesus Walks)I wanna to talk to God but I'm afraid cause we ain't spoke in so long(Jesus Walks with me with me with me) [Fades]

This morning's workout was amazing. I've had a great food day, and it's day 59 without a cigarette. I stopped off at the store for yogourt and bananas on my way home from work and tried to convince myself to snack on a bag of peanuts but I couldn't do it... and let me tell you, something really special is up when I turn down peanuts.

Run on. Run free.

January 2 - Don't Dream It - Be It!

2006-01-03T07:12:00.000-05:00

My Tuesday workout is the easiest of the week; this morning just 3x10 + 1x5 min. running with some core weight training and a good stretch. I am trying to get my head around starting earlier each morning and set my alarm today for 4:30 a.m.

Didn't much matter today as I don't think I slept much last night - I'm obsessing a little about a work project. Still I'm making progress - I continued with my workout... putting my training first. Once upon a time in the not too distant past, I would have got up and raced into the office.

I was dowloading music last night from I-Tunes and, of all things, I stumbled across a remake of the 70's cult film TheRocky Horror Picture Show called The Rocky Horror Punk Show. I thought what the hell and, dowloaded it - not bad. Anyway, near the end, one of the songs features the line in my title for today. As I was listening, I thought damn straight! I have been dreaming of running a marathon for some time and this year I will do it!

I've strung together a couple of good food days. Day 57 today without a cigarette.

On my way home from work, I stopped by the YMCA and for a tour. I am going to join to start the transition to the indoor track next week. As much as I love running, I hate the snow and ice and simply don't want to run through it until closer to the spring thaw.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2006-01-01T20:39:00.000-05:00

New Year's Day self-portrait.
The first picture I have ever uploaded to a website.
I will get some running pics up as soon as I can.

Wow, another year. I look in the mirror and I simply cannot understand how it is that I am already 43! A happy and healthy 43 year old mind you. Could be far worse! I am not making any resolutions this year other than to run a marathon, lose a bunch of weight and continue not smoking.

I had a great workout yesterday, but I couldn't finish today's treadmill version of my long run. I wanted to do 7 sets of 10 minutes but only made it just short of 6. Shortly afterwards though, I recognized that the quit was a decision based on emotion - not because I was totally spent physically. I think it may have been related to the music I was listening to (The Doors) because while stretching to different music, I knew that I could have finished.

Once I get this blog up and running successfully, I hope to get some insights from other marathoners to learn how to train myself how not to quit based on my emotional or mental state.

Insight: in years past, I fancied myself a tennis player and was of the opinion that the way I played on the court was a reflection of how I lived (or wanted to) off of the court. I am learning that this is true too of running. In hindsight, I think that I quit mostly because I was bored.

I resolve this year to work on my powers of concentration.

I raise a glass of Gatorade to all for good running in 2006.

December 29, 2005 - I love rock & roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

2005-12-29T19:09:00.000-05:00

It's 7:11pm here in Toronto; tired after a long, frustrating day at work. I'm working on a big file and feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and getting nowhere fast.

My workout this morning felt great; warmup, 3 sets of 10 min, 1 set of 5 min with weights and sit-ups. While I was running, I listened to some new tunes that I downloaded last night to my IPod. I can't imagine running without tunes! I'm forever thinking about the playlist that I am going to create for my first marathon run. It just sends me when I feel like I am running strong and inspired by some piece of music that reminds of another place and time in my life - all the while totally connected to the precise present.

Recently, I have been considering the concept that my running life is equal to prayer. As I write though, I'm not sure how to articulate what I mean by this.

I have signed up on a website that I learned about from Ultraclyde's blog - Fitday.com. I'm still playing around with it but I think that I will be able to use it to my advantage with respect to counting calories. I need to lose a minimum of 20 lbs. and hope to lose as much as 50 before the Fall. Christmas was just (&)($*& dismal from a dieting point of view however, I am relieved that things seem to be getting back to normal. I had lost 25 pounds but gave 10 (ish) back over the holidays. Were it not for my running, it probably would have been 20. I have struggled with weight issues my whole life. I might be kidding myself - but if I succeed with this weight loss and finish a marathon, I think that I will be prepared to put this one behind me for good!

and.. it its about time.

December 27, 2005

2005-12-27T10:50:00.000-05:00

This is a new blog and I am a new blogger. It is a blog about a fourty something gay man who wants to run a marathon... original huh!

My goal race is the Marathon at the 2006 Gay Games in Chicago on July 22, 2006 (perhaps a technicolour dream but I hope to do it in 3:20). This blog is a work in progress and I have no idea how I plan to use it or whether I will use it at all. The road will be long... I have weight to lose and many miles/kilometres to log.

I'm currently doing all of my training on a treadmill which sits in the middle of my living room (nobody understands) and expect to start running on an indoor track next week. I don't see myself running outdoors through the snow and ice in Toronto. As the weather clears, I will gradually move from indoors to out.

I really hope that I can connect online with others who are training for their first (or hunredth) marathon. Until my next clinic starts at the Running Room (early February) there aren't many in my life who understand - most think that I am delusional... So drop me a line.